Gestational diabetes, a real prick

Your Mum has gestational diabetes, well just. She will have to prick her fingers during the day to check her blood sugar levels. I think she was a bit heavy on the sugar at the time she got this test done so if they did it again I wonder if she would be over the limit. So now she has to be really careful of her diet and keep checking the blood throughout the day, not fun.

This nine months (ten really) is going quite slow and your Mum is also quite ready for you to enter soon hopefully via centre stage. For some people it may go really fast im not sure. Its part anticipation I guess. In practical terms it is very good that it takes this long. I have spent weekends doing lots of jobs that I wont want to do later. The side path has been completed to allow us to keep you in the pram if you are asleep. I have also set up the shed space because we are converting downstairs as a room. Then there’s always the mulch to place everywhere in preparation of summer and no rain. It’s a big block but all this work I am doing is to make it easier for me but still have the garden I want. I think you will really love our garden, it will be a great place for you to play in. I think Anne Shirley would love it as well. "So much scope for the imagination don’t you think?" I was doing an Anne myself this morning and imagining myself at work after you are born.

I picture myself crying all the time at work because I just want to be with you. I am not looking forward to that. I will just want to hold you all the time. At least you will be tall when you get older because your mother and I will both be pulling you from both ends screaming "I want a cuddle" and "no I want a cuddle shes mine" like a tug of war.

At the moment every time I think of you there is that awful voice in my head that starts saying what if this and what if that. Every parent wants everything to go all right and I am no different. The unknown is the greatest fear to overcome. In my head, I guess I then try to suppress some of the predicted experiences I will have with you, like if I realise them too much they may not come true. But I don’t think this is good. It is like I am protecting myself from getting hurt by removing not feeling too much. That’s a good one for a shrink. It would definitely hark back to my past, not wanting to tell anyone my hopes for fear of them laughing at them. I remember Mum and my aunties etc doing a lot of that, laughing at things I said. In my head I knew I was mature enough to understand what I was saying so it was extremely demeaning to put me down like they did. In fact I don’t think they have that maturity even now. For them I think it was not about me, just to lash back on men in general, preferably ones that don’t have the power. I still cannot work out how the three sisters ended up with such relationship issues. I can tell you that your great grandfather was a bit of a drunk in the early years. I remember him being really rough with me when he was tickling or wrestling me. It was well meaning but I don’t think he realised he actually hurt. Your great grandmother was like most other women of that time, the men were kings and she had limited scope for asserting herself. Women of these times would simply suffer through it and hope the men snapped out of it. Well he did eventually, went off the booze for good. Its important for you to realise that those sorts of relationships can actually work well as long as both people are able to take ownership of their failings. I think my grandparents have had a wonderful marriage that I can tell, they certainly love each other to bits and they have been the most influential people in my life as far as understanding relationships. The contradiction in how these old marriages worked was that often the women actually ruled the roost, and your great grandmother is no exception. This side of the family is a matriarchy so you are on the winning side. Us men have always been lower down in the rung. As for me, I have been a bit of a renegade because from a young age I was able to recognise where real power lay and I have always been able to manipulate women to great effect. I am like a small independent country sitting smack in the middle of a much larger one. Read some Asterix and you will get my gist. My relationship with the family is a little strange and quite distant. I tend to be a little guarded around them all, even my Grandma at times. Your Mum says that no matter how much Nan loves us her girls always take precedence. Like I said, I know where I am on the rung and that’s quite fine by me (remember this is just my take on things, not gospel). There are many reasons why this has happened. I mention again the way they used to laugh at me early on. Then another significant thing has been their relationship with my Mum, who was bigger than life and very much the centre of the family. She held the Christmas dinners, she kept the family together and I think her sisters have always had difficulty with that. Your grandmother essentially brought the youngest one up because your great grandparents ran milk bars and health shops, so she being the oldest became their mother. What has disturbed me has been since Mum passed away. They have had very little input into Sadies life and I know that this would have upset Mum very much. I think everyone used the excuse that they don’t like her Dad, but frankly if I can suppress my own distaste for him then what excuse have they got? I lived with the fellow.

As for me, I was never really family oriented. I much preferred my own company. So to this day I really never call the aunties, your Mum does that. If you want to know what your grandma was like just look at the way your Mum tries to keep the family together and look at Sadie and of course me. She really was a remarkable woman. We are connected still in a very deep way. I have not felt separated from her presence in all this time. I often receive little messages from her, most of them make me laugh. But she is not physically here now so she cannot force me to stay close to family. Your mum and I talk about this a bit. For me, and this is quite harsh, I would be quite happy to move away and not see any of them again, apart from my grandma and Sadie. I do dream of moving to Christchurch or somewhere and not having to feel forced to maintain a relationship. I think my Mum would understand that of me. If she were still here I can tell you that she would be playing a HUGE role in your life. Part of the reason why we didn’t have kids earlier is because it breaks my heart to think of what you are missing. She would definitely have divorced Sadies Dad and we were talking about getting a house together. I don’t doubt you’re Mum and I would have lived with her for a few years so we could save up. Oh well, perhaps in an alternative reality that’s happened. I know that your Grandma Baker will be great with you and as for the rest, well, maybe your experience will be like mine with my Grandparents. A good one. I hope so.

Johanna Beach and the little'uns

Ryan just called and told me he is going to have another baby in March. That’s his second but the family has more kids from past husband. Having many children definitely worked pre-industrialisation because working on farms meant that you have to use family to work it. But now, it must be harder? You simply cant invest enough time with each child so the less demanding ones may get less love and attention. At least there is love and good intentions. He said to your Mum that I appeared to not want you to be associating with his kids, it was such a strange comment to make given he never calls or visits us. He actually drives past our house on the way to see his sister. I am a realist I guess, I just cant see us seeing them that much until they move down to Melbourne. I dislike pretending outcomes that are not likely. I wish it were different and they were down here.

I have also been remiss in mentioning that around about now we would be heading off overseas on a 3 week trip to Europe. What is funny is that I completely forgot about it. I have been waiting for a long time to go back to the UK but as soon as we knew you were coming I couldn’t care less. I would hope that we have all gone over by the time you read this.

We have just come back from our last trip away before your arrival. It was just wonderful. Johanna beach with a view more stunning than your Dads gorgeous face. The dogs love the beach, wind in their hair and the feel of sand under their feet. Dogs love different textures. Your mum has been sick the last few days which has not been nice, its been a beautiful place to recover though, I hope we have had the chance to take you here. I have been taking the girls up into the dunes exploring which has been funny. There are wallabies up here and we saw one on our first explore then we heard one crashing through the brush when we got too close. The view is just wonderful and the wind is a little scary at night (I went and got the girls to sleep in the bed with me because your mum was in the other room because of her coughing and nose blowing, what a nice wife I have).

I had my ear against her tummy one day and I could hear all these weird sounds. It was like going underwater in the bath and blowing little bubbles. It was the strangest sounds. I then started singing How much is that doggy in the window and I could even hear when you were moving about.

Holden Premier HQ - my first car

This entry deserves a title -

My First Car

Your Mum and I used to go to clubs quite frequently. Most weekends actually. Once we found a great night we would stick with it. One of the best was the Beehive which was just at a pub in Spencer street. It was a goth hangout and they played fantastic music. The people were friendly and it was just a great atmosphere. No aggression. And yes there were a few occasions that I did go Goth to the fullest extent. Black lipstick, white face, mascara and teased hair. In fact I looked the spitting image of The Cure's Robert Smith. There is something liberating about becoming something different, making such a visual statement that you belong to a sub-group. It is very tribal. I didn’t continue with it because I don’t need external signposts to tell others what I am about. I would rather people have to work at it. So when people ask me what animal I would be. I guess I would have to think of an animal that does not use its body to attract attention or to deter attention. So im no peacock or monkey or emu, flashing my plume or baring my teeth. I reckon im more like a koala. Quiet and slow to anger and definitely not attracting attention. I think I fade into the crowd quite well. I would have made a good spy. So gothism or any other subbacultcha (see Pixies) has never been my cup of tea. But once in a while it is good to play a role. There was one particular time that myself and Chas went the whole hog thanks to the ladies help and we headed off in my Holden HQ to the Beehive.

My car was the best. It was a hand-me-down from my father and had been around for a while. It even went to Tasmania with them when they moved down there. When Dad left his then wife he moved back to live with his Dad in Ashwood. The car is a V8. It’s the only car I really loved, maybe because he eventually gave it to me. But not before committing what some people would call a series of atrocities to its exterior. Bored with life and the conversations with his father about food, my Dad decided it was time to give the old girl a bit of a spruce up. There was the obligatory rust problems (you could actually see the road between the passengers feet) and the old brown paintwork was old and out of fashion. Now my father has never let quality stand in his way of getting the job done. He has never concerned himself with the sorts of standards and rules that apply to others (he wont drink water when working hard because he thinks it makes you more thirsty). When he helped me create a path in our backyard he poo-pood the idea that you should use sand and crushed rock to get a balance and prevent weeds. Inevitably this path is the worst offender for weeds now (I did the rest on my own, WITH sand and rock) and his response is to pour petrol over the path. So when it came to painting a car it never occurred to him to buy the right paint or get a spray gun for a nice even finish. Instead he went into the garage and looked to see what paint was there, he found some lovely house paint left over of my granddads but not quite enough for the job. So he went off to the shops and purchased a little more house paint, matt finish, and not the same colour! My guess is it was on sale. The paint was actually not rust proof either and after mixing it with the other paint it came out a strange reddish brown colour (I have photos). Well I guess its cheaper than getting therapy and less damaging than slashing his wrists, but as far as contributing to art and beauty, im afraid he failed miserably. From a distance the matt finish was rather fetching and looked ok, but from close up all you could see were various brush strokes in different directions. It was frankly bizarre and a little insane. But as an 18 year old who just got his license, well beggers cant be choosers and frankly it appealed to my sense of individuality and flair for the ridiculous. It became a well known car for a while there as I reached driving age before anyone else in my year and added to that and the bizarre colour was the sound. The car had apparently been tinkered with over the years and it was the coolest sounding car in the world. Gruff, growling and insanely loud, it made heads turn everywhere it went. I loved this car.

I also brought in my own element of the ridiculous by using my home stereo with batteries instead of installing a car stereo (it had an old AM radio which while retro cool, did not impress chicks). The stereo was a boom box as they called it, about the size of a big shoe box. It took about 12 large batteries and had tape deck and radio (aerial pulled up inside the car). You may think this is funny but I have more to come. Frankly the speakers that were attached to the stereo just didn’t do it for me (the car was too loud). I found that even with all the windows down it was not having the impact on passers by that I was seeking. So instead I grabbed the speakers from my bigger house stereo, about as high as a desk and attached those instead. I had to put belts on them so they didn’t move so it meant that passengers needed to sit up front with me (bucket seats in the front meant I could sit 4 if needed). But oh the sound. Nothing pleased me more than taking off from school and passing by all the other students, car growling like a caged lion and now with speakers that were able to be heard over the car sounds. The Pixies would be on more often than not as they were nice and loud. Add to this my suede jacket and purple John Lennon glasses and I was a wonderful muddle of contradiction, a hippy with a V8. So that’s your father…..and your grandfather!

Now somewhere further up I was talking about how Chas and I got all gothed up to go to the Beehive. We took my car and there were four in the back and three in the front. On the way there was a booze bus so we were pulled over for a breath test. We pulled up to the cop and the look on his face when he saw me and the others with all the makeup and black clothing was priceless. He noticed there were four people sitting in the back, only two with seat belts on. I told him that’s all there were and grinned at him nervously. He looked back at me, back at my friends, shook his head and said "I cant handle this, just go". So off we went, passing by other police who were doubled over laughing. It was quite an experience.

BTW - phone numbers used to be without the 9 at the start. Ex 873 0168

John Marsden and my hippy genes

Do you remember my mentioning the Tomorrow Series by John Marsden? Well he has opened a school of his own called 'Candlebark'. If it were possible that is where is would like to send you. This is from an article about this - He also wanted to ensure that his school was not too rigid or inflexible. "I like the idea of a school that's full of surprises, full of humour and with an interest in wisdom as much as knowledge, because they are two different things," he said. Australian schools tended to use these two words synonymously. "Acquiring knowledge is all very well and useful, but acquiring wisdom is also pretty damn important," he said.

Oh my girl, haven’t I said this to you so many times in your life? It is our generation’s greatest misunderstanding. I do start to wonder if we will be making a hippy out of you. But you know I think your generation can do what our parent’s generation failed to accomplish in the 60's. You have inherited a dodgy climate from the last four generations thanks to industrialisation after WW2. I think that if you are passionate about the Earth and about its life, that you would probably find a career that you can truly love and also make a difference. This means that science and some maths will be essential for you. So that is my early prediction. We have brought up a greeny. And if I am completely wrong it would make no difference to me, your life is your own, and I just helped you through. I hope………

04th October 2007

Your Mum went to the doctor and he reckons you are going to be a big baby. Her glucose tolerance test was just over by .1 which means that her sugars are elevated. She needs to be careful now about diet. She does not want gestational diabetes. I was a small baby and your Mum was big. She just hopes that you are not too big for obvious reasons.

I am of the old and young, of the foolish as much as the wise,
Regardless of others , ever regardful of others,
Maternal as well as paternal, a child as well as a man,
Stuffed with the stuff that is coarse, and stuffed with the stuff that is fine.

This is part of Walt Whitman’s - Leaves Of Grass. He is talking about America here however I also think it can be interpreted as describing man. I associate with these words very much. We can’t be all good or all bad. Our actions and convictions are as changeable as the weather. We can be contradicting things all at the same time. Why can’t I be maternal AND paternal at the same time? There is the child in us all as well. We are sophisticated in the things that matter, that mean, and we are ignorant of the things we choose to ignore or are indifferent to. Something I believe in is that we should define our wisdom by how often we address these things we don't like or don't find easy. So in this spirit I decided that I should tackle more poetry. I know I have written it from time to time and it helped me get through some down times. But poetry, like music and writing, has been my chosen means of therapy. I have never been that interested in other poetry. So its time I got into the heads of others and see what I find. I thought I may as well take you with me on the journey. It won’t be taking over the diary, I will just be more mindful of pushing myself to read more of it and showing you the good bits. You may get nothing at all from this, who knows. To quote Whitman again - 'if they are not yours as much as mine they are nothing or next to nothing'. We shall see. He also says 'Have you practiced so long to learn to read? Have you felt so proud to get at the meaning of poems?', and 'You shall not look through my eyes either, nor take things from me, you shall listen to all sides and filter them from yourself'. I am mindful that by doing this I am not exactly giving you a glimpse of where I am at right now. But in some ways it shows you exactly what I am like. I never wish to rest on my laurels, to look at myself and say "ok, this is me, im done, deal with it". I hope you never say something like this about yourself. You are going to hear people say things like "im the type of person…" and "don't try to change me" and "I cant change". Some, and these ones are even worse, will not even consider change as being a required or useful part of their lives. These will be the same people who indulge in shallow pursuits, who define themselves by their work and by what they don't do. For example, the husband of someone here at work will not watch any movies that are not action and won’t read a book. And yet he portrays himself as an intelligent sophisticated and serious man. I really do think that we westerners are given far too many freedoms of thinking sometimes. That people can claim that this or that is just their opinion and they are entitled to it, even when it is clearly wrong, drives me to the point of insanity. Personally I burn for knowledge, yet I am still incredible ignorant of all manner of subjects. I think I believe in reincarnation mostly because I can placate myself that I have plenty of lifetimes to get through all the experiences I want. But for this lifetime I will be satisfied if I can get through all the major classic novels and keep finding great new music. Not to mention the main purpose of my life which is to do everything in my power to bring you up safe and sound.

03rd October 2007

We went off to our last childbirth 'class' last night. We learnt all about the different drugs you can take. We both agree that the less the better, if possible.
Do you know that one of the strongest memories of my past is feeling tremendously guilty when I threw away a sandwich my mother made for me in the bin. It’s not so much the action that matters here, rather the reaction. From a young age I have been extremely sensitive to how my actions can effect others and also myself. Is it guilt? Is it morality? Is it that I don't want to be thought of negatively? Maybe it’s all these things. I just know that I suffer when I do wrong by someone. So imagine if I really did something bad. I think I have on a couple of occasions, well I don't think, I know because I still think about these things. I think 'remorse' is the word I am thinking of. It is also the lack of this in others that irks me the most. Your Mother comes from a different kind of upbringing and she can have a tendency towards saying hurtful things. I want you to realise that this is just her upbringing and that it is just something they did. They say things in the heat of the moment but they also have a very tough skin. I do not so it has definitely cause tension between us at times. This is what relationships are about, learning how each other communicate and trying to find a middle ground. So if you are sensitive like me then understand that it is not meant to hurt as much as it could. If you have a thicker hide then you are probably wondering what I am on about.


Go and listen to some Leonard Cohen and tell me what you think. Make sure you read the lyrics too. Here is one example -



We met when we were almost young

deep in the green lilac park.

You held on to me like I was a crucifix,

as we went kneeling through the dark.


Oh so long, Marianne, it's time that we began ...


Your letters they all say that you're beside me now.

Then why do I feel alone?

I'm standing on a ledge and your fine spider web

is fastening my ankle to a stone.


Now so long, Marianne, it's time that we began;

01st October 2007

I wrote a song about you. There is a little poetic license in there, like your name!! I was a little cheeky using it when we hadn’t decided yet but I couldn't help myself. It works so well in the lyric. Its also one of the strongest songs I have written as well. It’s funny how important experience is to writing. The first line - 'every time I think of you my heart just stalls' popped into my head because I have been getting odd palpitations now and then. My best songs come from subjects I am emotionally connected to. When thinking of your name I cannot help but imagine how it would look on a book. Is it a good author’s name? Well I can tell you that we are almost decided on Emily Keith. Can you believe after reading your Mums first reaction that it would still be around? I loved it from the start. It just works for me on every level. I even like the literary flavour - E. Keith. That's nice. I just can’t imagine you being very sporty, only because it’s not a priority for us. I know that I will be pushing you to sing, write and paint. None of these guarantee a comfortable lifestyle though do they, so I will also make sure you have a direction to aim for that will earn you good money. Then again you may know exactly what you want. I hope you find a job you can be passionate about however that is extremely rare.
We had a car accident on Friday. Some idiot kid ran into the back of us while we were stopped at a light. Obviously we needed to go to the hospital to ensure you were ok. We got to see you again for a bit. Again this nurse also said you were cute. Your hands were flapping around again and you were less see through now your bones are becoming denser and you are putting on weight. We can see you now pushing on Mums stomach. I need to capture it on video. I have also recorded your Mum for one video diary entry so far. It's a trial getting her to do it. She doesn't like being in front of a camera.

24th September 2007

Damn it if I can work out what you look like. I just can’t sort it out in my mind. Your Mum and I are both anglo, you will be pale skinned definitely (do NOT try getting a tan). We are not overly freckled but your Grandfather and Great Grandfather Keith were a bit. I wonder if you will get the beautiful high cheek bones of your mother. Will you get my thin nose or the Baker wide nostrils? Will you get my spare tyre which I doubt will ever go (Grandpa Keith was thin as a rake and still had spare tyre). Will you hair be soft and straight like mine or curly like your Mums. We both have nice legs. Nice bums! I’m not sure what else there is that is distinctive really. I think I am an eye piercer, meaning I can bore into other people with my eyes. My eyes give everything away. Your Mum does the best greasies in the world. We are both pretty sharp characters though and that is what matters. The Keith’sare an artistic and clever bunch generally, in that there are no psychological issues that I am aware of. No depression or schizophrenia etc. My cousins on that side are mostly very intelligent scholastically. Mums side are the same mostly as well. I think genetically we are a fairly safe pairing in other words. You will need to look out for breast lumps REGULARLY from an early age as a high priority. Unfortunately you will need to be extremely careful about this. Your great Auntie has had a full mastectomy because she kept finding lumps. All the girls have to be damn careful. Oh and diabetes is a problem on the Baker side.

21st September 2007

Your Mum just got a call from Edie and they are going out to lunch in Canterbury. Her transition from busy teacher to society get-about was a short and smooth one it seems. The babies would be loving this change of circumstances, going in to bed with her each morning for cuddles and a nap after all that sleeping at night caper. They are the sweetest girls in the world and the reaction you get when you arrive home or just calling them into the bedroom is one of pure joy. When Mum comes down to the station sometimes to pick me up I usually call her to warn her. She says every time the phone rings at this part of the day she looks questioningly up at Mum asking if it’s me. If its not she says no not yet Pips, to which Pips tail drops in disappointment. When it is me calling and Mum says yes its time to pick Daddy up, well the girls go crazy and Carns starts to whimper. The looks on their faces when I walk up the car just melt your heart. You take what you can get because once you get a bit older that excitement will start to wane, until one day I just get a shout out from the bedroom. Hey, this is just the way it is when you grow up. But I have to say there is nothing more special you can do for another person than just being excited when you see them.
I wonder how you will be at school. I did not do so well because I did not concentrate and had no work ethic. I recall being worried at the end of each year wondering if I was going to fail the year and stay down. It wasn't until I moved to your Mums school that I did better. That was after I had established a routine. I think your Mum will be great with homework. She was always a girly squat.

19th September 2007

I’m sitting here at work at 8:35 and I just remembered I dreamed of you. I can’t remember a damn thing about the dream now which is annoying. I have never had a dream about a baby before. I’m sure last nights parenting class at the hospital effected me quite deeply. They showed a video (well more a photo collage) of a woman giving birth and the man guiding his baby out which is exactly what I want to do. He had his shirt off too which was so hilariously hippy. Damn I wish I could remember some of that dream. There are vague memories of holding you but that's it. Have I mentioned that I have been attending more gigs than I have in years? The timing is good. I’m doing this Podcast with Matt and we have a featured artist of the week so I have actually been going to see them live. There has been some great ones too. Kancoban and Jessica Paige particularly. In fact we are off to see Jessica tonight at Manchester Lane in the City. I have been going to her open mic nights after hearing about them. I have been wanting to do this for ages so I have finally done what I have waited years to try again. I can see why people get the bug once they start gigging, I wanted to just keep playing. The ideal thing for me would be to get an Americana band together. I’m thinking of doing this in a few years, I think I will have more important things to enjoy for a while I reckon.

Just in case I forget myself, look up Karl Pilkington and listen to the Podcasts of him and Ricky Gervais, so funny. Here is one of his poems -

Bubbled wallpaper
What a mess
Washer Dryer knackered
What a mess
Siamese twins separated
One leg less

About me kidneys
For Gods sake
Me belly ache
The doctor said its me kidney
He said hes gotta stick a tube up me knob
I said you gotta be kidding me
For Gods sake
Knob ache

19th September 2007

Im sitting here at work at 8:35 and I just remembered I dreamed of you. I cant remember a damn thing about the dream now which is annoying. I have never had a dream about a baby before. Im sure last nights parenting class at the hospital effected me quite deeply. They showed a video (well more a photo collage) of a woman giving birth and the man guiding his baby out which is exactly what I want to do. He had his shirt off too which was so hilariously hippy. Damn I wish I could remember some of that dream. There are vague memories of holding you but that’s it. Have I mentioned that I have been attending more gigs than I have in years? The timing is good. Im doing this Podcast with Matt and we have a featured artist of the week so I have actually been going to see them live. There has been some great ones too. Kancoban and Jessica Paige particularly. In fact we are off to see Jessica tonight at Manchester Lane in the City. I have been going to her open mic nights after hearing about them. I have been wanting to do this for ages so I have finally done what I have waited years to try again. I can see why people get the bug once they start gigging, I wanted to just keep playing. The ideal thing for me would be to get an Americana band together. Im thinking of doing this in a few years, I think I will have more important things to enjoy for a while I reckon.

Just in case I forget myself, look up Karl Pilkington and listen to the Podcasts of him and Ricky Gervais, so funny. Here is one of his poems -

Bubbled wallpaper
What a mess
Washer Dryer knackered
What a mess
Siamese twins separated
One leg less

About me kidneys
For Gods sake
Me belly ache
The doctor said its me kidney
He said hes gotta stick a tube up me knob
I said you gotta be kidding me
For Gods sake
Knob ache

18th September 2007

Ok so I have yet to mention my work at all, that should tell you something. It is not my passion in any way. I went the IT route simply because I knew it paid well, which it does. When I was looking at doing a course I was thinking what is the complete opposite of what im all about? I got a kick out of that, felt like the Dice Man. When I left high school I went to music College and left before the end of year exams as you will know. I then went back to my High School to talk to the careers guide who helped me determine some direction. They were very helpful, never be afraid to utilise free information. It worked out that I would suit working in disabilities. So I started volunteering places and slowly started to get casual work. I have worked with the elderly, the severely disabled - physical and intellectual, autistic, you name it. I worked in day centres, peoples homes, I looked after all the kids and at other times did cleaning work. I didn't mind the work but I was getting paid slave wages and working my bum off. The worst place I worked was at a quadriplegic centre. I would start at 6am and help bathe and clothe the men living there. It was disgraceful conditions for them. It was essentially a hospital, looked like a hospital except they lived there. They had no life and little reason to live. Some of them were unforgiving with me and I was still very young and unsure of myself and what I had to do. Training consisted of one mornings walk through. I still remember the smells very clearly. Their faeces (don't get queasy on me!) and body odour reeked of chemicals from all the medication they took. I was advised to keep vics vapour and put it under my nose which helped a bit. I think I lasted about 3 or 4 mornings and never went back. I would leave there a nervous wreck and with horrific migraines, it was effecting my health terribly. These days it would not be a problem for me but back then, well I guess I learnt what real suffering is. I learnt not to complain about my life. See what I mean about parents not allowing their kids to experience anything negative. My biggest learning has come from these situations which while unpleasant at the time, have enriched my life and understanding of joy and suffering. I want you volunteering at day centres or elderly homes, I want you to understand all walks of life and ways people live. I want you to be always seeking to understand things you are ignorant of. Prejudice and hate is bred from ignorance. You cannot be wise and hate filled at the same time……...your choice sweety. So my work life has had two extremes so far. On top of this I have done a little bit of gardening as well. But so far it was 10 years or so in disabilities and about 6 years in IT type work. My first job was in a call centre as a contractor in which I did well. I soon got off the phones and was what they call 2IC - second in charge of our team. I took complaints and did other admin type work as my team leader was never there. I wanted to get permanancy with them though so I applied for a business sales job and got it. There was a month of training and then I started having to meet my targets by calling up businesses and trying to sell them stuff. This lasted a month and I did not enjoy myself, the people working there were bottom of the barrel wankers. The boss was about to move elsewhere so I took the opportunity to talk to her and say that my old boss at the call centre was looking to get me back again. It was still within the three month trial period but she was leaving so had no problem letting me transfer back. That was great news for me as I liked the atmosphere and it was much less pressure. I soon got asked to help out with testing some big changes to the systems and spent a couple of weeks in the city. This led to me finding out about the testing job which I applied for and got. I can also tell you that up to this point I have got every job I have applied for except McDonalds when I was 19! My job now is very cruisy. There is lots of down time which is why I can do this diary. Its such a strange job, you get paid well and the work is simple for me. I still couldn't tell you what my ideal job would actually be. Frankly I don't want to work. I would rather do what I want when I want. Paint a bit, play in a band, write novels, spend time outside. I can imagine working in a book store or a record store. I can imagine if my life were different I would like to go help communities in some part of the world, maybe look after children who have escaped the horrors of war etc. Later on I think we would both like to care for animals that have been dumped or mistreated. So by now you should be getting the hint that im not a career person. I have had opportunities here to move on but im just not interested. My aim at the moment is to leave my job and not think about it at all once I walk out. Defining yourself by your job is perhaps dangerous for some. There are no guarantees in life and to base your happiness on a job leaves you open to feeling deep failure. On the other hand maybe it feeds some people to excel. None of us can be certain of what is right and wrong for others. You included. That's entirely your journey.

I also just realised that I have not spoken too much about your Gran, my Mother. I will have told you all about her plenty of times I know, so its perhaps redundant for me to go into too much detail. We often hear tell about how someone who has passed away is still here in our hearts. But I used to wonder if that was just romanticising death. All I can tell you is that it feels like we merged at some stage before her death and I have still felt no separation from her. In essence, if you have me, you will also be getting her. And where I cannot provide my sister will do the rest. For a while there however it hurt my heart to think of her not being around to love and care for my child. It really hurt. Same with your Mother and I having a wedding. Every time I thought of it I would be sad that my Mum would not be there smiling in the front row. I didn't want these things to be about her not being here. Do you understand the distinction? She is with me in the deepest of senses however the sheer lack of physicality in these momentous times in my life were still difficult. I guess time heals or numbs these things im not sure. Now I can just think of you coming into the world as opposed to you coming into a world without her. It’s never going to be what I want. I think about just how much love you would have got from her and its sad that you won’t experience that. She would have been obsessed with you. It’s not fair and it upsets me writing it, but there are no guarantees and no assurances of anything. Time flows with a callous, emotionless relentlessness and we are swept along with it. Maybe I should call you Kelp.

18th September 2007

Ok so I have yet to mention my work at all, that should tell you something. It is not my pashion in any way. I went the IT route simply because I knew it paid well, which it does. When I was looking at doing a course I was thinking what is the complete opposite of what im all about. I got a kick out of that, felt like the Dice Man. When I left high school I went to Music College and left before the end of year exams as you will know. I then went back to my High School to talk to the careers guide who helped me determine some direction. They were very helpful, never be afraid to utilise free information. It worked out that I would suit working in disabilities. So I started volunteering places and slowly started to get casual work. I have worked with the elderly, the severely disabled - physical and intellectual, autistic, you name it. I worked in day centres, peoples homes, I looked after all the kids and at other times did cleaning work. I didn’t mind the work but I was getting paid slave wages and working my bum off. The worst place I worked was at a quadraplegic centre past Ringwood. I would start at 6am and help bathe and clothe the men living there. It was disgraceful conditions for them. It was essentially a hospital, looked like a hospital except they lived there. They had no life and little reason to live. Some of them were unforgiving with me and I was still very young and unsure of myself and what I had to do. Training consisted of one mornings walk through. I still remember the smells very clearly. Their faeces (don’t get quesy on me!) and body odour reeked of chemicals from all the medication they took. I was advised to keep vics vapour and put it under my nose which helped a bit. I think I lasted about 3 or 4 mornings and never went back. I would leave there a nervous wreck and with horrific migranes, it was effecting my health terribly. These days it would not be a problem for me but back then, well I guess I learnt what real suffering is. I learnt not to complain about my life. See what I mean about parents not allowing their kids to experience anything negative. My biggest learning has come from these situations which while unpleasant at the time, has enriched my life and understanding of joy and suffering. I want you volunteering at day centres or elderly homes, I want you to understand all walks of life and ways people live. I want you to be always seeking to understand things you are ignorant of. Prejudice and hate is bred from ignorence. You cannot be wise and hate filled at the same time……...your choice sweety. So my work life has had two extremes so far. On top of this I have done a little bit of gardening as well. But so far it was 10 years or so in disabilities and about 6 years in IT type work. My first job was in a call centre as a contractor in which I did well. I soon got off the phones and was what they call 2IC - second in charge of our team. I took complaints and did other admin type work as my team leader was never there. I wanted to get permanancy with Telstra though so I applied for a business sales job and got it. There was a month of training and then I started having to meet my targets by calling up businesses and trying to sell them stuff. This lasted a month and I did not enjoy myself, the people working there were bottom of the barrel wankers. The boss was about to move elsewhere so I took the opportunity to talk to her and say that my old boss at BigPond was looking to get me back again. It was still within the three month trial period but she was leaving so had no problem letting me transfer back. That was great news for me as I liked the atmosphere there and it was much less pressure. I soon got asked to help out with testing some big changes to the systems and spent a couple of weeks in the city. This led to me finding out about the testing job which I applied for and got. I can also tell you that up to this point I have got every job I have applied for except McDonalds when I was 19! My job now is very cruisy. There is lots of down time which is why I can do this diary. Its such a strange job, you get paid well and the work is simple for me. I still couldn’t tell you what my ideal job would actually be. Frankly I don’t want to work. I would rather do what I want when I want. Paint a bit, play in a band, write novels, spend time outside. I can imagine working in a book store or a record store. I can imagine if my life were different I would like to go help communities in some part of the world, maybe look after children who have escaped the horrors of war etc. Later on I think we would both like to care for animals that have been dumped or mistreated. So by now you shold be getting the hint that im not a career person. I have had opportunities here to move on but im just not interested. My aim at the moment is to leave my job and not think about it at all once I walk out. Defining yourself by your job is perhaps dangerous for some. There are no guarantees in life and to base your hapiness on a job leaves you open to feeling deep failure. On the other hand maybe it feeds some people to excel. None of us can be certain of what is right and wrong for others. You included. That’s entirely your journey.

I also just realised that I have not spoken too much about your Gran, my Mother. I will have told you all about her plenty of times I know, so its perhaps redundant for me to go into too much detail. We often hear tell about how someone who has passed away is still here in our hearts. But I used to wonder if that was just romanticising death. All I can tell you is that it feels like we merged at some stage before her death and I have still felt no seperation from her. In essence, if you have me, you will also be getting her. And where I cannot provide my sister will do the rest. For a while there however it hurt my heart to think of her not being around to love and care for my child. It really hurt. Same with your Mother and I having a wedding. Every time I thought of it I would be sad that my Mum would not be there smiling in the front row. I didn’t want these things to be about her not being here. Do you understand the distinction? She is with me in the deepest of senses however the sheer lack of physicality in these momentus times in my life were still difficult. I guess time heals or numbs these things im not sure. Now I can just think of you coming into the world as opposed to you coming into a world without her. Its never going to be what I want. I think about just how much love you would have got from her and its sad that you wont experience that. She would have been obsessed with you. Its not fair and it upsets me writing it, but there are no guarantees and no assurances of anything. Time flows with a callous, emotionless relentlessness and we are swept along with it. Maybe I should call you Kelp.

17th September 2007

One of my old homes is up for sale. I had a look at the pictures and it was really quite sad but I did not remember the layout of the house and have no memories of being anywhere but the bedroom. My only three memories of that time are running out of the room and screaming at the top of my lungs for them to stop arguing, standing outside on the veranda during Ash Wednesday (look it up) as the ash fell all around me and lastly looking after a friends Mexican Walking Fish. Pretty depressing really isn't it.

Heres a memory which just popped into my mind. I wanted to go into the city with a friend but Mum wouldn't let me. I must have been about 14 or so. So I just said I was going to hang out at my friends instead. Well we had plans and nothing was going to stop them. So off we went to the station and took a train to the city. See this was at the glorious time when mobile phones were not around, so she had no real way of knowing where I was. The perfect crime. Well if you watched any television you would know that criminals are perhaps the stoopidest people in the world and get caught on camera making all kinds of blunders. And this criminal was no different. It was a weekday and Dad was at work. He was cool, he knew how to keep a secret. Lets go visit him I tell my mate. So into the building we go and up to the receptionist. I ask to see Dad and she calls him to make sure he is in the office. She hangs up and tells us we can go through. We go through the door and down to his office near the back of the building. Dad is sitting there behind the desk with a serious face. It turns out that at the exact time that the secretary calls through; Dad is on the other line to my Mum. So he tells her that I have just arrived at the office. You can imagine my Mothers reaction. Dad tells me the news and said to get back on the train and go home. Oh the tangled web of lies and deceit, you never win. Lady fate is always waiting to strike the weak and stupid.

Did I mention that we have set up your room? Cot has been put together (there is a video of that) and change table etc. We have so many clothes and stuff now. The time draws ever closer. Oh and I have a new favourite name - Emily. It ticks all the boxes for me. Your Mum is going for Ruby………… no chance for that!!!

14th September 2007

Your Mum had her last day at school on Friday. She was showered with praise and attention from the school kids and teachers. She really is very very good at what she does. It must be quite a feeling to love what you do at work. She called me on Thursday crying, said that she was upset that she was going to miss seeing these kids who she has seen grow up. She is actually sad to be leaving work. I thought I should give her a chuckle so I told her that if I were ever to leave this job I would probably leave without a word and just leave a steaming turd on the keyboard with a flag in it with a picture of me flipping the bird. I always know the right things to say!
I dreamed I was feeling Mums tummy and you were kicking away. I love laying in bed and just feeling you in there moving around. We went to the Symphony Orchestra concert on Saturday and it seems you either like or dislike applause. Every time the concert goers let loose you would do somersaults. I have also started playing guitar to you this week. I hope that we can use it to get you to sleep or stop crying if you are upset. You are just one big lab rat aren't you? Your Mum and I are going through this transition time where we need to learn different ways of communicating our frustrations. Your Mum can work herself into quite a rage and I do not help matters at all. I said to her this weekend that we don't have the luxury to indulge in this kind of arguing any more. And it is an indulgence, but I will not allow myself or your Mother to raise our voice around you. This is not what I want for you. I want you to see that we can disagree with each other but that we can solve any problems without the need to a ruckus. I promise to always be mindful of this. I talk about this kind of change a lot and that means I need to apply that philosophy to my own life. I don't like that I raise my voice sometimes. I have strong memories of my Mum and her husband having huge rows when I was there. I would come out of my room and scream at them to stop. That is not good enough to put a child through that. It is selfish and irresponsible. I write these things down and can’t help wondering how I have done, its like a time travel movie or something. Its going to be weird reading all this in the future because I will be able to recall whether I succeeded or not. Maybe you should be making notes as you read and send them to me.

I just bought some hair gel for $35. It better be good.