Smiling is peculiar to the species

I have been thinking about the continuation of this diary and its readability. Surely you would not be able or even be interested in my detailing everything that goes on each day with you. I think a broader impression would serve better given this is going to be huge.

The last week you have started to smile quite a lot. For a parent this is obviously a big change and a welcome one. To see that smiling face look up at you is the best feeling in the world. On the flipside you have started to cry a little more when you get tired. We listen to the sounds you make to try and distinguish what they all mean. You are making more sounds now and I make lots of faces to you like mama and papa and dada and poking my tongue out going mmnnnnn.
This helps you because you try to mimic these shapes with you mouth which then leads to you developing speech. Most of the time you just stare at me and smile, but other times you really try to make the same face.

You are only 7 weeks which is hard to fathom and your progress is going along beautifully. Your Mother is just wonderful however my biggest surprise after your birth has been me. I always thought given my past that I would be more maternal than I am. I thought I would have almost more motherly instincts than fatherly simply because I was brought up around woman and I have always been in touch with that part of me as well. The thing is, your Mum is so instinctually good at all this that I have found no need or reason to try and switch that side of me on. Instead I now must learn to embrace what it is to be the Father, allowing your Mother to play her role.

Another surprise (although it shouldn’t have been) is that I still tend to get a little anxious and really need my own chill out time. It’s not unreasonable but I guess I was expecting to have unlimited energy and patience. I have to admit to myself that sometimes I wish you would just stay asleep so I can just chill out. This is something I am struggling with as I find myself feeling guilty about it. But the reality is that I go off to work before 7am, come home and dedicate the rest of the night to you until I go to bed. It is draining and I should recognise that it is hard.

This diary helps me no end and I have been thinking about this a lot. I want you to know where my head is at, even if it embarrasses me to admit things that I would rather keep to myself. But by now I have taught you that nobody is infallible. Learning things about yourself does not stop once you reach adulthood, far from it. Its just that many adults choose to ignore it and stay doggedly blindfolded to changing things about themselves because they can.


Just bought Taking the Quantam Leap by Fred Alan Wolf.
Reading Take a Girl Like You by Kingsley Amis.
Trying to get through some Peter Carey short stories at home, its not going so well!

Breaking out of the comfort zone.

Can you see how this diary has changed? I guess it will be this way for a little while as I still find a routine and some energy to keep this going. I find that any down time I get I just want to veg out and watch Deep Space 9 episodes. My biggest surprise so far has been the way your Mum has stepped up and really become the patient one of the both of us. Still for me I tend to get a little impatient if I know that I will be up until late and have to get up to work the next day. But your Mum shows such fortitude and unwavering enthusiasm. She has all this energy and going from someone who cherished sleep it has been amazing to me that she gets up after a couple of hours sleep with no complaints. Not that she necessarily wakes up straight away.

On Saturday morning around 2am I heard you begin your sequence of waking up which leads to crying if you are not on your toes. I heard you first and as it was Mum who was getting up I said her name to gently wake her up.

"Sweets"
"Mmmm"
"Little ones rousing"
"nnnnnwha?"
"Little ones waking up"
"nnnn its ok"
"What?"
"Its ok I have her"
"What do you mean?"
"(getting agitated) I have her, im holding her"
"What are you talking about?"
"Im holding her now its ok"
"Honey what are you on about, she’s waking up"
"What? Oh, ok".

I have had these kinds of conversations with her before. She gets confused with dream and the waking world. She finally wakes up and goes to prepare the milk for you. Apparently she was dreaming at that very moment about holding you. I actually got up myself a few minutes later to just check that she hadn’t remained confused and fed the bottle to Pippy and put you on the girls bed next to Carnie.

You will be very proud to know that you still drink more, poo more and fart louder than all the other babies at Mothers Group. When we burp you it’s the cutest thing to watch. You stretch out your arms and your legs and make a big groaning sound. We call it the 'Superman'. On Sunday night you were very thirsty indeed and downed about 150mls or more of milk. I had you over my shoulder (you can see what’s coming cant you, I wish I could have) and with no warning at all you threw up the whole lot right down my front. I was soaked. You had this satisfied look on your face after that, then proceeded to demand more milk! Argggghhhhhhhhh.

Mum joined in with me singing Frère Jacques while we were changing you. Your little face went into this state of concentration as you were listening to us. You really seemed to enjoy it. I think it must emit some good vibrations. Perhaps your relative calmness can be attributed to our approach to parenting. We are both very calm people and they do say babies just mirror back what they are surrounded by. I love giving both of you a hug. I’m not sure I have properly explained to you yet but I sing to you almost all the time. A lot more than I just speak. Speaking is singing in some way and so I think making it more pronounced can only help you understand language quicker later.

Your Mum loves our bath time together. She was telling me that one of the other new Dads from her Mums group loves to have shower time with his little one. That would be so funny seeing your face as the water hit you. Apparently they just moved the nozzle down so it didn’t get in their eyes. Have I told you that you have discovered my chest hair and grab it with those strong little fingers and refuse to let go? Now that smarts.

I’m very proud of the way we your Mum and I work together. I think our relationship is deepening in some really special ways. We both have made some changes regarding how we handle times of frustration and how to handle each other when this happens. At Mums Group some of the women were saying they have never argued so much with their husbands. For us it is quite different. We keep an eye out for each other and also talk about our approach to looking after you so we can make sure everything is consistent. This means small stuff as well like burping and wrapping and how to wipe your bum. We are a well oiled machine at the moment. I think I am doing a good job of keeping your Mum mentally on track as she tackles what to do with breastfeeding. Sometimes you have to just say “this is how it’s going to happen”, rather than make it a discussion. It is tiring stuff for her and it important to keep her looking at the big picture and counting your wins as well as your losses.

Listening to the John Safran Podcast last night and there was a man who spent time in jail and has since turned his life around. He read a lot of books and worked out what successful people had in common and tried to apply it to his life. Three things stood out to me. Firstly they all were brutally honest with themselves, secondly they denied themselves certain things to learn how to break out of their comfort zones and lastly that they all jealously guard their reputation and integrity. This third point is what is affecting my life at the moment. The way your Mums father and cousin have accused me of being the cause of their issues really annoys me as it goes against the very essence of what I am about. I must learn to ignore these sorts of people who really know nothing about me and not let it get to me. I guess I do think that everyone should like me and get shocked when someone doesn’t. Watch that ego boy.

The title 'Waking World' is a great title for a story. I should try it out.