Flipped out

Dear Daughter,

Exciting news - you flipped over. From front to back and first nearly back to front, so close. Its amazing watching as you slowly work things out bit by bit. You were using the gym as foot leverage. You were getting frustrated and crying. Mum was telling me to help you but I said to give you a bit more time. Life is about getting through these struggles and dealing with it. That lesson needs to start early. I knew you werent too upset. Eventually I gave you just a little nudge as it was long enough. I got video footage of it.



Love Dad

Tens - Unit Muscle Stimulator or instrument of torture?

I just recommended The Dice Man to a Goth in a second hand book store. I love recommending stuff to people, and The Dice Man can have a huge impact on people. I bought 7 books for just $25, I wonder if this is still possible for you. Remember I was talking about being a plumber, well now I like the idea of running a second hand book shop. Actually I am making myself appear more flighty than I am. Its just that I don’t really want to do this current job forever, I would like to find a job I really will enjoy, so I am just considering different options rather than suddenly deciding I want to be a spruiker for example and start to stand outside shops unannounced with a microphone.


I have not even worked out what year it will be when you read this. Let me do that now. Amuse yourself for a moment………………………………………. Ok its going to be around 2026 I think, I don’t trust my maths when working out whether you count the end of the year or the start.

I think its time for a Mum update, let’s check the score board for the latest stats - Mum has been getting the CTG scan weekly since week 35. It measures the heartbeat and uterine contractions (if there are any). You have been very active indeed and the doctors get quite surprised at the accelerations. You are a very active little baby. Everything has been fine and was again this week. She then went for her doctors appointment (this is all at the Hospital) to get her blood pressure taken and provide a urine sample to check the protein amounts. They also measure the uterus to make sure you are growing to schedule, which you were. This time she also got to have a scan to see where your head is and make sure you are in the right position, which again you are. You still favour the left side. Back to the blood pressure for a second; it was on the cusp of the high end which worried the doctor a bit because that has been really good all the way through. Of course once the doctor described all the symptoms of high blood pressure suddenly they all appeared. So for the last two days she has had to wee into a large milk container which is basically to check for preeclampsia. The end result of this would be to bring you into the world a bit earlier. We are not so concerned because after she saw the doctor and did a few other things she went back down to the nurse who has been so nice (and we are trying to set her up with Chas) and asked to do the blood pressure check again. It was fine so go figure. She is also having regular Braxton hick’s contractions without too much discomfort or really any pain. Speaking of pain - she also went to her 'tens' appointment. Tens is a Unit Muscle Stimulator that she can flick on as a distraction to labour pains. It’s a tiny thing but powerful. She put these little patches on my arm and turned it up and it was awful, im afraid I screamed like girl in a 50's horror flick.

But I gotta say, she’s HUGE now. I took some photos of her and it is so strange because the rest of her is normal size, actually smaller than before she was pregnant. When she is on the bed lying on her side, her stomach sort of spills away from her torso like it has melted a bit.

I realise it is very very close now and we finally get to meet. I'm not sure I have totally prepared myself for all this happening any time soon. Life still goes along as normal and yet in a few weeks everything will change. A lady at work says you can’t really prepare. I wish I could pop in a time machine and see myself with you; I just think it would help me place myself as a father. I seem to need visuals to make things real for me. I learn best by being shown things. So I guess my learning begins when your Mum introduces you by pushing really hard!

Bassinets, bellies and blubbering

You found something to play with last night. We sat there in amazement watching the top part of Mums belly button moving up and down. It looked like you were poking it from the inside. It really was bizarre. Also on Saturday night your Mum woke me up at 3am, screaming that she had a cramp in her calf. I sat bolt upright in the bed, grabbed her leg and started to rub furiously, blinking and staring around the room in confusion. She then said thanks to me and decided she wanted to have a conversation with me. It’s like dealing with Sybil (movie reference). I wasn’t having any of it and I dropped back down onto the pillow and immediately fell back to sleep.


Chas helped out all weekend with the painting of the garage that we are converting; it saved me an entire weekend of work. Best of all I got to play all kinds of music that he never would have listened to of his own accord. See that actually was the highlight over how great the room is looking. My sense of perspective is completely warped and terribly biased on music. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Sadie and her man bought you a bassinet. I love that she gets to experience the same kind of relationship with you that I had with her. I was 17 when she was born and Sadie will be 19 when you are born. She will be able to understand the special relationship that you have with such an age difference. She will be able to understand why I went to London for a while and why I went to Queensland to live for a bit. I was at that age of exploration and it is a bit of a selfish time in your life. I’m not sure if she feels like I wasn’t there enough or not actually. I should ask her. I went to almost all of her school concerts from kindergarten up, I loved them although the later ones did tend to go on a bit. But that feeling of pride when I saw her up there on the stage was all encompassing. I went to more of these things than her father did.

I just realised that at this stage I am not talking about you all that much. I understand that it’s enjoyable reading things about yourself. The thing is, you still are a bump albeit a much more active one now, never the less you are not you yet. And trust me, I will run out of stories about myself and your Mum real quick. Pretty soon its just going to be all about you and you will be begging for another witty anecdote about my wacky younger years.

Reading Algis Budrys - Some will not die
Listening to The Decembrists - The Crane Wife
Chewing some free Mentos gum.

01st November 2007

The stupid diary

I was about 18, Mum had asked me to go up to the shops to get some things. I took Sadie with me who was about 3'ish I think. It was a warmish day and I wasn’t going to be long so I left the keys in the car and left the window open a little bit then asked Sophie to unlock the door when I came back. I returned a couple of minutes later and Sadie was asleep, I knocked on the window but she would not wake up. I kept knocking and yelling out to her but with the warm car she had fallen into a deep sleep. Can you believe how stupid that was? I tried calling Mum but the phone was engaged so I had to get someone to drive me home to pick up the spare set of keys. Well you can imagine Mums reaction. Sadie was just fine.

Mums hips are hurting from sleeping on her side. She cant find that 'sweet spot'. She is used to sleeping on her back but you cant do that with a little one growing inside you. The poor thing gets up every few hours, but frankly I reckon that is natures way of telling sleepy head whats coming.

I had a terrific dream last night. It was all over the place but near the end I was helping old people into an auditorium and I went down front to chat with some musical people. One guy was playing a song he wrote sort of about me and them my gran came up with a plate of goodies. Then I think Mum did the same. I remember telling this guy that Mum had been sick for years now, I was choking up trying to say it. After that I saw a guy telling all the oldies they have to leave. The Exit was right at the back of the venue and the steps were steep. Near the top I saw my grandparents and they waved at me. Then I saw Mum and I waved at her but she stopped walking, turned to me and put one thumb up, then left. I woke with up and realised what I had just dreampt and had a big smile on my face. I love her messages.

Blood sugar no sex magic

Your Mum called me up at work and said that she had her water colour pencils and had a small book as a mini desk on her stomach when she got a kick. She then removed the book and used hands to push in same spot and got another kick. I guess you didn’t appreciated having your head used as a table. Your great grandmother said she had the same thing when she had a bowl of peas to split. Her youngest kept kicking the bowl over.

Tomorrow you will be 31 weeks along. Nothing much going on really. Mum is doing really well, still going for walks with Jan who cant believe how fit she is at this stage. She gets up lots during the night which as you might have worked out is not in her nature. This blood sugar issue is not too bad, she is being careful about the foods she eats and it’s not really a big deal. She has started a painting for your room. She asked what I thought she should paint and I went to my little stash of kids books and found the little fairy book which has some beautiful drawings in it. We flipped through and found one we think will look like you. She is also painting your giraffe (well Carns thinks its hers).

I have been throwing mulch all over the garden and done some planting. I said to Mum after work yesterday that on the trip home in the train I was thinking to myself "gee there’s nothing to do tonight, its going to be really boring". Then I thought wow this is going to be a welcome feeling in a few months. But frankly I have had years of bored nights and I really wont miss it. Having kids later in life means that you have had the time to be selfish and independent. For some the change will freak them out but I look forward to this next phase with gusto.

I hope that you will know your calling. I seem to have fit into the category of people who like lots of things but not one thing enough to imagine making a career out of it. When I ask myself today what would I like to be doing in place of this strange tedious job, well I cant honestly say for sure. After doing this Podcast for a few years now I guess that would be a lot of fun. I can’t see how you can make a career out of it though. I would love to do Podcast’s on music, getting people turned on to new music is a great reward for me. Other than that I imagine myself just having the time to do what I want. Paint a bit, write a bit, have a band, find good music and read some great books. I think your Mum would be even simpler than that, in a good way. Just time together with the family in a house she loves, exploring her painting skills. I love that we both have this attitude toward life.

Silly Mummy does work herself into a tizz as im sure you have had plenty of opportunities to see. She has a bad habit of building situations up in her head and making them far more than they are. For example we talked this morning about the quote we got for downstairs. Grandpa Keith knows someone who may be able supply the window frame cheaper so we need to see what the builder thinks about that option. So its just one phone call. But in Mums mind it has become a whole day event in which she will be co-ordinating an Olympic size event on her own. Have I mentioned as yet that for most women when they are pregnant, their emotions go on a rollercoaster ride? For you Mum, that was her before she was pregnant! She has been so docile and had not raised her voice at all. Its been very funny. I told her that im going to have to keep her pregnant now. She has been known to lose it on occasion and the last few years I have been no help I don’t think. My approach had been to raise my voice right back at her, which I had not really done before that. It seemed to happen more to me when I got into this job where I felt more confident and assertive. So there has been incidences where I push her to that explosion and explode myself. Well we have discussed this and we both agree that this type of behaviour is a luxury that we cannot afford when you come along. It is what I think of as an indulgence for our egos. I refuse to have you grow up in an atmosphere in which you are scared. I really hope that this has been the case. We always sort our issues out which is why we have lasted this long and still love each others company.

I have told people about this diary for you and have been met with blank stares. I find myself having to keep explaining why I am doing it. I find this unsettling that people would think writing about my life is so strange. I usually end up by saying that this is exactly the sort of thing I wish my mother had done for me, to have so much to read and re-read for the rest of my life. It would be the greatest treasure I could ever own.

Johanna Beach and the little'uns

Ryan just called and told me he is going to have another baby in March. That’s his second but the family has more kids from past husband. Having many children definitely worked pre-industrialisation because working on farms meant that you have to use family to work it. But now, it must be harder? You simply cant invest enough time with each child so the less demanding ones may get less love and attention. At least there is love and good intentions. He said to your Mum that I appeared to not want you to be associating with his kids, it was such a strange comment to make given he never calls or visits us. He actually drives past our house on the way to see his sister. I am a realist I guess, I just cant see us seeing them that much until they move down to Melbourne. I dislike pretending outcomes that are not likely. I wish it were different and they were down here.

I have also been remiss in mentioning that around about now we would be heading off overseas on a 3 week trip to Europe. What is funny is that I completely forgot about it. I have been waiting for a long time to go back to the UK but as soon as we knew you were coming I couldn’t care less. I would hope that we have all gone over by the time you read this.

We have just come back from our last trip away before your arrival. It was just wonderful. Johanna beach with a view more stunning than your Dads gorgeous face. The dogs love the beach, wind in their hair and the feel of sand under their feet. Dogs love different textures. Your mum has been sick the last few days which has not been nice, its been a beautiful place to recover though, I hope we have had the chance to take you here. I have been taking the girls up into the dunes exploring which has been funny. There are wallabies up here and we saw one on our first explore then we heard one crashing through the brush when we got too close. The view is just wonderful and the wind is a little scary at night (I went and got the girls to sleep in the bed with me because your mum was in the other room because of her coughing and nose blowing, what a nice wife I have).

I had my ear against her tummy one day and I could hear all these weird sounds. It was like going underwater in the bath and blowing little bubbles. It was the strangest sounds. I then started singing How much is that doggy in the window and I could even hear when you were moving about.