And now a quick recap of todays news...

We just had the Australia Day long weekend, or invasion day as many see it. I have come through it a little tired but gratified by the changes I see in you. You have hardly slept at all during the last few days, catching small naps here and there but nothing like before. All of a sudden you have become much more aware of your surroundings.

I think these first few months are like slowly emerging from a heavy mist. You not only see things more clearly, you also appear more focused and attentive. During feeding time (I love the connotation of feeding time at the Zoo) you look into my eyes. I make shapes with my mouth, poke out my tongue and raise my eyebrows. These actions are usually met by the famous frown. About half way through a bottle I take it out and burp you which inevitably leads to you crying loudly at the injustice. At times when I offer the bottle back you are not quite ready to keep drinking. Another bout of crying and vigorous wriggling ensues. I either put you on my shoulder or walk you around for a while until you calm, or I begin to make the sucking motion with my own mouth. It is surprising how often this actually works. You see and hear my sucking and you begin to mimic me. This could prove the belief that you perceive internal and external as the same thing.

I think my favourite thing right now is when you sleep on me. I walk you around until you close your eyes then get myself comfortable on the couch. You lay stomach down on me and you sleep so restfully. As I breathe you move up and down like you are floating in the sea. Our hearts beat close to each other and I can look down at your face and wonder. And just like me you have to find your sweet spot, you raise yourself up all sleepy faced and turn your head to face the other direction. Sometimes you bury your face into me just like Carnie does, your little hands close to your mouth and I wonder if you can breathe. After some time I find your occasional wriggling has moved you down to my stomach and you are now lying crossways on me, legs dangling over the side.

You are getting so long that you hardly fit in the bath now. It’s only been six weeks and you are getting too big for things. My God this all happens quickly. You also spun completely round in the bassinet which is totally bizarre, I still don’t know how you accomplished this.

We went out to lunch on Saturday and saw the movie Juno while Nan Baker looked after you. It is good practice for her. We can only really have three people feed you otherwise it gets too confusing. We all have our own methods. Have I mentioned we have been working through the entire 7 seasons of Deep Space 9? We are doing well, I think we are up to Season 6 now. Quite a lot of viewing but you need something to watch when it’s feeding time for the little monkey. Which feels like all the time.

I tend to annoy your Mum trying to make sure she gets enough sleep. I have been backing off on this as she can look after herself. I still remind her but don’t push the subject. I think she is getting a decent amount now at night and once you add the afternoon or evening nap with the morning nap it adds up to enough. For me it is really kind of important that I know I can go to bed at 10:30 for work the next day. If I don’t I just cant function. I spend the next day in a daze. It’s funny that the first song I wrote down for you relates to us getting sleep, and I wrote it before you arrived.

So here is a quick run through of things we are noticing at the moment - we have started putting you under the mini gym a few weeks back but it’s only now that you are more interested. You particularly like the ones that spin. You are focusing on things more than ever, discovering new things so we are stimulating you a lot more with visuals. We are chilling out a lot more now and just going with the flow, both just automatically doing things that need doing without being told. People are saying your face is changing, that you have my eyes, others saying you have more of your Mum in your features now, that you look less new born. You are six weeks today, so much growth. You are stretching like a little plant finding the sun. Your socks no longer fit. There was a jump suit that fit fine one week then suddenly your little legs were too long, so Mum just cut the legs off. You definitely love being with us, you enjoy our cuddles and our voices. We continue to try and understand you more and observe, tune in to what you need.


Just finishing John Updike's - Bech: A Book. What an amazing writer. What prose.

Also finished Cormac McCarthy's - No Country For Old Men - it wasn’t as satisfying as I had hoped.

Found the Lost Lennon Tapes in Podcast version. This is a must for you to listen to.

Snooty elitist French speakers

I’m working from home today so it is much busier than if I was just at work. Your Mum is taking a bath as I type this. She loves her bath.

You had one of those days where the 3-4 hours feeding ritual went out the window and you were hard to settle. In the afternoon it was like a 4 hour feeding session in which you had a bit, pood twice, put you to bed, you woke up, fed more etc etc. Despite all that you never really got too upset.

When I walk you around and hum melodies to you it doesn’t take long to settle you. I tend to sing the Frera Jaqua song:

Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques
Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous?
Sonnez les matinées, sonnez les matinées
Ding dang dong, ding dang dong

Your Aunty thinks I say it wrong. What would she know.

Tens - Unit Muscle Stimulator or instrument of torture?

I just recommended The Dice Man to a Goth in a second hand book store. I love recommending stuff to people, and The Dice Man can have a huge impact on people. I bought 7 books for just $25, I wonder if this is still possible for you. Remember I was talking about being a plumber, well now I like the idea of running a second hand book shop. Actually I am making myself appear more flighty than I am. Its just that I don’t really want to do this current job forever, I would like to find a job I really will enjoy, so I am just considering different options rather than suddenly deciding I want to be a spruiker for example and start to stand outside shops unannounced with a microphone.


I have not even worked out what year it will be when you read this. Let me do that now. Amuse yourself for a moment………………………………………. Ok its going to be around 2026 I think, I don’t trust my maths when working out whether you count the end of the year or the start.

I think its time for a Mum update, let’s check the score board for the latest stats - Mum has been getting the CTG scan weekly since week 35. It measures the heartbeat and uterine contractions (if there are any). You have been very active indeed and the doctors get quite surprised at the accelerations. You are a very active little baby. Everything has been fine and was again this week. She then went for her doctors appointment (this is all at the Hospital) to get her blood pressure taken and provide a urine sample to check the protein amounts. They also measure the uterus to make sure you are growing to schedule, which you were. This time she also got to have a scan to see where your head is and make sure you are in the right position, which again you are. You still favour the left side. Back to the blood pressure for a second; it was on the cusp of the high end which worried the doctor a bit because that has been really good all the way through. Of course once the doctor described all the symptoms of high blood pressure suddenly they all appeared. So for the last two days she has had to wee into a large milk container which is basically to check for preeclampsia. The end result of this would be to bring you into the world a bit earlier. We are not so concerned because after she saw the doctor and did a few other things she went back down to the nurse who has been so nice (and we are trying to set her up with Chas) and asked to do the blood pressure check again. It was fine so go figure. She is also having regular Braxton hick’s contractions without too much discomfort or really any pain. Speaking of pain - she also went to her 'tens' appointment. Tens is a Unit Muscle Stimulator that she can flick on as a distraction to labour pains. It’s a tiny thing but powerful. She put these little patches on my arm and turned it up and it was awful, im afraid I screamed like girl in a 50's horror flick.

But I gotta say, she’s HUGE now. I took some photos of her and it is so strange because the rest of her is normal size, actually smaller than before she was pregnant. When she is on the bed lying on her side, her stomach sort of spills away from her torso like it has melted a bit.

I realise it is very very close now and we finally get to meet. I'm not sure I have totally prepared myself for all this happening any time soon. Life still goes along as normal and yet in a few weeks everything will change. A lady at work says you can’t really prepare. I wish I could pop in a time machine and see myself with you; I just think it would help me place myself as a father. I seem to need visuals to make things real for me. I learn best by being shown things. So I guess my learning begins when your Mum introduces you by pushing really hard!

More holidays to Apollo Bay, less work please

It’s getting real close now. Down to weeks. Your Mum has put a towel on the car seat just in case the levee breaks. "I work on the levee, mama both night and day, I work so hard, to keep the water away. It's a mean old levee, cause me to weep and moan, gonna leave my baby, and my happy home". My job is my levee too, I resent it enough now let alone when you arrive. I still want to be an at home Dad for you. Your Mum enjoys her job and gets all the holidays whereas I hate the job and get very few holidays. I would love to be around for you as you grow up. Its not always possible however, we shall just have to see. I hope we have given you enough of our time that you don’t feel short changed.

This weekend was another backbreaking chain gang of chores entirely of my own choosing. I have been painting so much that on Friday when I took Nan to the MSO concert I was barely able to applaud. My arms shaking violently as I strained to raise them and provide yet another encore opportunity for the conductor. You’re Mum and I have been to five concerts this year for the MSO. This last one we decided I should take my Gran for a night out. It was at the Town Hall instead of the usual showier venue. Nan told me that the last time she was in the town hall was for the Bing Crosby appreciation society club dance when she was 17 (that would make it around 1946). She talked about all the places she used to go on nights out and for lunches. She went on a date with an English sailor once and was escorted back to the station where he shook her hand and said "Thankyou I had a lovely time, good evening Miss Howie". I told this to your Mum and she just rolled her eyes and went "gypped". She has a dirty mind sometimes. My Nan also volunteered in a canteen in Collins St where she made sandwiches and coffee for the servicemen. She met my Grandad from memory working in Myer together. I will be getting all these stories and adding them to the diary later. I told her I want to video them telling all kinds of stories about their life for you. The great thing about digital format is that we can just shoot for hours and store it on a hard drive. The stories she tells me are so amazing, such a different life to what yours will be, although it is my intention to make sure you experience some of the same things they did. Volunteering at old age homes, tree planting days, things like that.

Grandpa tells me that when he was an underage house painter he used to have to carry all his equipment, including the ladder and paint tins in the train with his bike. Can you imagine that now? If you want evidence for how lazy we have become just look at the beginning of this paragraph. Poor little Dad has sore arms because he has done a little painting for Gods sakes. I milk it for all its worth once I get back upstairs, making wincing noises and rubbing my arms like I just wrestled with Zeus. So by the time you have arrived she has already got a good 15 years Mothering experience from looking after me.

I just read a Blog about a guy whose ear hair was mistaken for a stray bit of clothing fluff. I commented that I have so much fuzz on my ears that if I stand in front of a light it looks like I am growing angel’s wings out the side of my head. I also have either chest hair creeping up to my chin or a beard which is losing the fight against gravity and moving down to my chest. In the last year my eyebrows have established a few rogue hairs which have broken with convention and decided to create an upper canopy, which may provide shade for the shorter well behaved hairs but does nothing for my faces symmetry. By trimming the offending hairs to their regular size begins a vicious cycle that only exacerbates over time. For once you trim that hair the surrounding hairs think this is an opportunity to take over the position of head boy. All of a sudden you have a race for the sun on your hands, as your eyebrow begins to look more like a pair of hairy caterpillars on growth hormones. Give it a few years and I won’t need to wear a capped hat.

Your Mum is having weird baby dreams. She just told me about this one this morning. She went into labour and so I rushed her to the hospital. Then we are sitting in the waiting room and the nurse comes up to us and hands the baby over to her. She couldn’t remember having it though and asked me if she had to take any drugs. I told her no and she did really well. She then uncovered the baby who was all wrapped up including her head. She was beautiful, but then the more she looked the more she started noticing dog features, the eyes got bigger and the face started sprouting hair and the ears got pointy. By the end she said you looked exactly like a Chihuahua.

Christmas is soon upon us as well, a fact that I am sure you are tired of hearing because it will fall so close to your birthday. I was talking to my Nan about how the Christmas spirit of community and group celebration is virtually gone from the workplace because they don’t wish to spend the money on their staff any more. I said that this is part of a bigger issue and one in which will effectively wipe out the concept of loyalty and pride in your work. People are now thinking if they can’t even be bothered giving us a decent Christmas party why should I put in any effort? Cost cutting does not save money for a company. It breeds apathy and resentment which then effects performance and the bottom line. I can remember going to our local social Club when I was a kid to see Santa. It was a venue where people can meet and have a drink, eat dinner, have a dance etc. They put on a great day for the family for all the Club members. Santa would even come in a helicopter (he would sit in my grandparents leather chair which I hope will come to us). It was damn the expense and let’s give them a great time to say thanks for being a member. This does not happen any more. The Club itself is now just another venue built around pokies machines. Well I will try my best to make sure you have a ball during Christmas. I will aim to get the street involved and have a big Christmas party in the park for everyone to come to. Am I an idealist or has it actually come true? I hope that I have risen the occasion and done everything I can to make you a well rounded person.

So anyway, back to Bach. The Friday concert was the best yet, Bach is my favourite music. It just speaks to me and I don’t have to struggle to understand it and I am never bored listening to it. What is different is that his music often doesn’t have any melodies that you immediately recognise or even remember once the piece is finished. It’s those intertwining lines of melody that don’t really go anywhere that appeal to me. It doesn’t really go anywhere, you don’t recall strong repeating themes repeating and then given variations in different keys and tempos. It doesn’t always resolve itself in obvious ways that someone like Mozart is so good at. Its music of the ether, Gods music. It is the kind of music you can listen to for years before it becomes too familiar. The perfect desert island disk would be Bach. We also listened to a new Clarinet Concerto by Ross Edwards which was wonderful and finally Beethoven's 5th which is also one of the most perfect pieces of music ever created. It was a wonderful concert and im glad I got to share it with my Grandma.

Im sitting here on the top floor looking out to the Dandenong ranges. The dark grey clouds are hovering low above our house and lighting strikes light up the sky. Rain has become more precious than oil.

Bought the Definitive Rolf Harris and 'The most relaxing Bach album in the world'.

Listening to music we can play during your birth, here are some I found today -


Shostakovich - Symphony No.9 in E Flat Major, Op. 70 - Moderato
Haydn - Symphony No.22 in E Flat Major, "The Philosopher" - Adagio
Hayden - Symphony No.26 in D Minor, "Lamentatione" - Adagio (Chorale)
Mahler - Symphony No.1 in D, "The Titan" - 3. Feierlich und gemessen, nicht schleppend
Beethoven - Piano Sonata No.14 "Moonlight" - Adagio sostenuto
Beethoven - Piano Sonata No.8, "Pathetique" - Adagio cantabile
Beethoven No.6, "Pastoral" - Allegro ma non troppo

Is your job role suited?

I went on to the BBC science site and did a short psychology test designed to point you to the most suitable job. The results suggested the following careers I would be suited to then not suited to -:

Your results suggest that Artistic type work might suit your interests and preferences. Typical roles for Artistic types include artist, singer, designer, photographer, musician, writer and actor.

Your results suggest that Investigative type work is less likely to suit your interests. Typical roles that suit Investigative types are scientist, engineer, laboratory worker, computer programmer, pharmacist and vet.

Unfortunately my job fits into the last category. This suggests I am in the wrong job and I would not argue with that. Alternatively you could say that by doing this job I am picking up new skills that are not as natural for me to accomplish. I think I have picked up new skills and a new confidence. It could even be said that these new skills aid my existing natural skills. It could be seen as making me a well rounded individual. It could also be said that I am not in a career that befits my abilities and interests and that would also be correct.

I got to meet Brian Wilson a few years back, well sort of. He signed my Smile CD.


This is something he really never does so it was extraordinary that I was able to get this opportunity. I was in Sydney and I had managed to weasel my way into making it a working trip because of the project I was on. So the trip up and the hotel were all paid for. I am so sneaky sometimes. I had already bought the tickets to the Opera house gig so I was going no matter what. It was while I was in the office that somebody told me that he was at a record store doing a signing. I ran out of there as fast as I could. We were all very excited to be there, waiting in the line to get close to our hero. He was not overly communicative and when I finally got up there to see him he didn’t look up. I didn’t care in the slightest. I just said "thanks for everything Brian" and that was that. I was also very close to meeting his band. I had contacted a Sydney musician and he told me to give him a call. I did the day of the concert and he mentioned that he knew a few of the guys and that he might be meeting up with them and would I like to come. I nearly wet myself. In the end though he was busy recording and it didn’t happen. When I met up with him at the Opera house I must shamefully admit I was less inclined to hang out with him and I think the feeling was mutual. I can’t remember his name now, I have one of his albums somewhere. The concert was wonderful and I felt on top of the world having seen my idol and beaten 'the man' (big business) at his own game by getting a free trip. Viva la revolution.

The meaning behind ‘toe the line’ - "Toe the line" is an idiomatic expression with disputed origins. The longest-running use of the phrase, often mentioned by tourist guides, is from the British House of Commons where sword-strapped members were instructed to stand behind lines that were better than a sword’s length from their political rivals. Thus the cry to “toe the line!” was echoed to return order to the House and to quell a potential mortal conflict.

Misanthropy is a general dislike, distrust, or hatred of the human species, or a disposition to dislike and/or distrust other people. The term is also applicable to those who self-exile themselves or become loners because of the aforementioned feelings.

I love this too - he was as conspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel cake. You can also say "there’s an elephant in the room" for an obvious truth that is being ignored. Try using that next time you are at a party and someone has a booger hanging out their nose. I was going to use it to describe your Mums stomach at the moment then thought twice about it.

Finished my book and decided to try Duncton Wood.

House hunting with a baby

We took what, about 11 years to get married finall? I like to take my time. Can you imagine what I was like when Grandad Baker started telling your Mum to buy a unit? I got scared. Oh God no, this means that I am in this relationship for good. There is no 'out' once I take this plunge. This was before we got married obviously. We were living above a shop at the time. It was an awful place in a great spot. I doubt we even have photos of the place. Your Mum hated it. It was all mission brown and a breeze would blow up the stairs from outside and we had no heaters other than a small electric one. There was even a time during the last month or so of living there that we had no bed. Your Mum slept on a fold out bed and I slept on the floor. The floorboards creaked horribly and the shop owner would keep knocking on the door telling us to keep it down. But I just loved being so close to everything. I loved the adventure of it. One of the windows had a terrific view of the city as well. So you can imagine that the idea of moving out and buying something became very appealing for her. But for a guy this is a huge thing. There is something deep down in your subconscious that tells you to keep your options open. Guys do not settle down as naturally as girls do. It is definitely a genetic leftover from when we were nomads. So when she started talking buying I panicked. It was a big moment, it was a mind shift. For me it meant making the final commitment and having it sink in. There was finality to it that scared me for a bit. So I did actually say no for a while. Your Mum was great, she did exactly what she should have done and said that she would be doing it anyway without my help. Sometime we all need to be pushed into change, into action and it is your partners responsibility to aid in that, as well as being true to their own vision and needs. So eventually I made that switch in my brain and once I did, that was it. It was a great feeling, I felt free rather than trapped. It was like an evolutionary ascension that us humans must do to keep progressing and adapting. We cant be held back by genetic predisposition. That is no excuse. If only we could all move on from war mongering.

So we bought the unit and for your Mum it was a huge time of growth. We both knew very little about how to look after a house but it is during this time that we started to learn how to fix up a house. I did my first paving job out back and your Mum actually did the garden. We made the place look fantastic for what it was and it ended up selling for over double what we paid just a few years on. It was also during this time that your Mum and I quit smoking finally. I was only smoking beedies for a little while as I had quit cigarettes in London. It was a big thing to do for your Mum who had been a heavy smoker since she was a teenager. It was also the time that her relationship with her Dad changed dramatically. She finally started to think for herself and not take everything he said as gospel. To this day your Grandfather has stubbornly rejected these changes she has made and will not see us. He is not a man who believes in change so he has been unable to become the father of an adult as opposed to a child. It is very very sad for him. He blames me as well, thinks I am now controlling your Mum. I understand why he thinks that because in his own little world he rules his wife. He cannot fathom things can be different to that. Stubbornness and pride have prevented him and those around him from being happy. This means that your Mum has had to disconnect her feelings for him so she can get on with her life and be happy herself.

A cenotaph is a tomb or a monument erected in honour of a person or group of persons whose remains are elsewhere.

Elegy was originally used for a type of poetic metre (Elegiac metre), but is also used for a poem of mourning.

Muggles, a slang term for cannabis, mostly used in the 1920s and 1930s and associated with the American jazz scene. From the lyrics to 'Dope Fiend Blues' by Allen Ginsberg' -

Im a dopefiend sitting in my bedroom high
I did'nt even light up no muggles, don’t know why
I'm just naturally a dopefiend under a friendly sky

This issue with Grandpa Baker also reminds me of one of the big events that stopped him talking to us. I had just got the job at the call centre. This was a big change time for me. I was feeling a lot more confident about myself. After ten years of working in disabilities I was feeling down about my future. I was really good at the job and was given more and more responsibility. I decided I wanted a newer car because of how I felt and because I wanted something nice for a change. It was more symbolic than I realised at the time but this was a big step for me, to stop feeling down about myself and to feel like I should look after myself a bit more. Your Mum recognised this because she is smart and knows me more than me sometimes. So we got this great Suzuki 4WD and I loved it so much. Your Grandpa however kicked up a big stink because he wanted us to buy a brand new car and he wanted to be the one to make that decision as to what to buy (what he wanted was a piece of crap btw that subsequently proved to be a dog of a car that lost its value quickly, while my car retained its value). That was the start of it all. He had a hissy fit and decided to stop talking to your Mum. He also wanted your Mum to have the good car. Mum told him that she didn’t care about getting another car at that time and it was more important to me. As I mentioned above, this is not something he was able to understand. And because it was his way or the highway your Mum finally told him that she didn’t need his assistance or his advice and that was that. I wonder if you have rebelled yet and which of us it was aimed at. God I hope I can keep my head when or if this happens to me.

PS: As an addition to the above (again), my issue with deserving nice things stems back to my father, who to this day does not think he is good enough to deserve anything nice. He buys beautiful guitars and wont play them, instead he plays the cheap ones. He does his drawings on crap paper because his talent is not worthy of good materials. So I had to unlearn this learned habit and im happy to say that I was successful.

Blood sugar no sex magic

Your Mum called me up at work and said that she had her water colour pencils and had a small book as a mini desk on her stomach when she got a kick. She then removed the book and used hands to push in same spot and got another kick. I guess you didn’t appreciated having your head used as a table. Your great grandmother said she had the same thing when she had a bowl of peas to split. Her youngest kept kicking the bowl over.

Tomorrow you will be 31 weeks along. Nothing much going on really. Mum is doing really well, still going for walks with Jan who cant believe how fit she is at this stage. She gets up lots during the night which as you might have worked out is not in her nature. This blood sugar issue is not too bad, she is being careful about the foods she eats and it’s not really a big deal. She has started a painting for your room. She asked what I thought she should paint and I went to my little stash of kids books and found the little fairy book which has some beautiful drawings in it. We flipped through and found one we think will look like you. She is also painting your giraffe (well Carns thinks its hers).

I have been throwing mulch all over the garden and done some planting. I said to Mum after work yesterday that on the trip home in the train I was thinking to myself "gee there’s nothing to do tonight, its going to be really boring". Then I thought wow this is going to be a welcome feeling in a few months. But frankly I have had years of bored nights and I really wont miss it. Having kids later in life means that you have had the time to be selfish and independent. For some the change will freak them out but I look forward to this next phase with gusto.

I hope that you will know your calling. I seem to have fit into the category of people who like lots of things but not one thing enough to imagine making a career out of it. When I ask myself today what would I like to be doing in place of this strange tedious job, well I cant honestly say for sure. After doing this Podcast for a few years now I guess that would be a lot of fun. I can’t see how you can make a career out of it though. I would love to do Podcast’s on music, getting people turned on to new music is a great reward for me. Other than that I imagine myself just having the time to do what I want. Paint a bit, write a bit, have a band, find good music and read some great books. I think your Mum would be even simpler than that, in a good way. Just time together with the family in a house she loves, exploring her painting skills. I love that we both have this attitude toward life.

Silly Mummy does work herself into a tizz as im sure you have had plenty of opportunities to see. She has a bad habit of building situations up in her head and making them far more than they are. For example we talked this morning about the quote we got for downstairs. Grandpa Keith knows someone who may be able supply the window frame cheaper so we need to see what the builder thinks about that option. So its just one phone call. But in Mums mind it has become a whole day event in which she will be co-ordinating an Olympic size event on her own. Have I mentioned as yet that for most women when they are pregnant, their emotions go on a rollercoaster ride? For you Mum, that was her before she was pregnant! She has been so docile and had not raised her voice at all. Its been very funny. I told her that im going to have to keep her pregnant now. She has been known to lose it on occasion and the last few years I have been no help I don’t think. My approach had been to raise my voice right back at her, which I had not really done before that. It seemed to happen more to me when I got into this job where I felt more confident and assertive. So there has been incidences where I push her to that explosion and explode myself. Well we have discussed this and we both agree that this type of behaviour is a luxury that we cannot afford when you come along. It is what I think of as an indulgence for our egos. I refuse to have you grow up in an atmosphere in which you are scared. I really hope that this has been the case. We always sort our issues out which is why we have lasted this long and still love each others company.

I have told people about this diary for you and have been met with blank stares. I find myself having to keep explaining why I am doing it. I find this unsettling that people would think writing about my life is so strange. I usually end up by saying that this is exactly the sort of thing I wish my mother had done for me, to have so much to read and re-read for the rest of my life. It would be the greatest treasure I could ever own.

Gestational diabetes, a real prick

Your Mum has gestational diabetes, well just. She will have to prick her fingers during the day to check her blood sugar levels. I think she was a bit heavy on the sugar at the time she got this test done so if they did it again I wonder if she would be over the limit. So now she has to be really careful of her diet and keep checking the blood throughout the day, not fun.

This nine months (ten really) is going quite slow and your Mum is also quite ready for you to enter soon hopefully via centre stage. For some people it may go really fast im not sure. Its part anticipation I guess. In practical terms it is very good that it takes this long. I have spent weekends doing lots of jobs that I wont want to do later. The side path has been completed to allow us to keep you in the pram if you are asleep. I have also set up the shed space because we are converting downstairs as a room. Then there’s always the mulch to place everywhere in preparation of summer and no rain. It’s a big block but all this work I am doing is to make it easier for me but still have the garden I want. I think you will really love our garden, it will be a great place for you to play in. I think Anne Shirley would love it as well. "So much scope for the imagination don’t you think?" I was doing an Anne myself this morning and imagining myself at work after you are born.

I picture myself crying all the time at work because I just want to be with you. I am not looking forward to that. I will just want to hold you all the time. At least you will be tall when you get older because your mother and I will both be pulling you from both ends screaming "I want a cuddle" and "no I want a cuddle shes mine" like a tug of war.

At the moment every time I think of you there is that awful voice in my head that starts saying what if this and what if that. Every parent wants everything to go all right and I am no different. The unknown is the greatest fear to overcome. In my head, I guess I then try to suppress some of the predicted experiences I will have with you, like if I realise them too much they may not come true. But I don’t think this is good. It is like I am protecting myself from getting hurt by removing not feeling too much. That’s a good one for a shrink. It would definitely hark back to my past, not wanting to tell anyone my hopes for fear of them laughing at them. I remember Mum and my aunties etc doing a lot of that, laughing at things I said. In my head I knew I was mature enough to understand what I was saying so it was extremely demeaning to put me down like they did. In fact I don’t think they have that maturity even now. For them I think it was not about me, just to lash back on men in general, preferably ones that don’t have the power. I still cannot work out how the three sisters ended up with such relationship issues. I can tell you that your great grandfather was a bit of a drunk in the early years. I remember him being really rough with me when he was tickling or wrestling me. It was well meaning but I don’t think he realised he actually hurt. Your great grandmother was like most other women of that time, the men were kings and she had limited scope for asserting herself. Women of these times would simply suffer through it and hope the men snapped out of it. Well he did eventually, went off the booze for good. Its important for you to realise that those sorts of relationships can actually work well as long as both people are able to take ownership of their failings. I think my grandparents have had a wonderful marriage that I can tell, they certainly love each other to bits and they have been the most influential people in my life as far as understanding relationships. The contradiction in how these old marriages worked was that often the women actually ruled the roost, and your great grandmother is no exception. This side of the family is a matriarchy so you are on the winning side. Us men have always been lower down in the rung. As for me, I have been a bit of a renegade because from a young age I was able to recognise where real power lay and I have always been able to manipulate women to great effect. I am like a small independent country sitting smack in the middle of a much larger one. Read some Asterix and you will get my gist. My relationship with the family is a little strange and quite distant. I tend to be a little guarded around them all, even my Grandma at times. Your Mum says that no matter how much Nan loves us her girls always take precedence. Like I said, I know where I am on the rung and that’s quite fine by me (remember this is just my take on things, not gospel). There are many reasons why this has happened. I mention again the way they used to laugh at me early on. Then another significant thing has been their relationship with my Mum, who was bigger than life and very much the centre of the family. She held the Christmas dinners, she kept the family together and I think her sisters have always had difficulty with that. Your grandmother essentially brought the youngest one up because your great grandparents ran milk bars and health shops, so she being the oldest became their mother. What has disturbed me has been since Mum passed away. They have had very little input into Sadies life and I know that this would have upset Mum very much. I think everyone used the excuse that they don’t like her Dad, but frankly if I can suppress my own distaste for him then what excuse have they got? I lived with the fellow.

As for me, I was never really family oriented. I much preferred my own company. So to this day I really never call the aunties, your Mum does that. If you want to know what your grandma was like just look at the way your Mum tries to keep the family together and look at Sadie and of course me. She really was a remarkable woman. We are connected still in a very deep way. I have not felt separated from her presence in all this time. I often receive little messages from her, most of them make me laugh. But she is not physically here now so she cannot force me to stay close to family. Your mum and I talk about this a bit. For me, and this is quite harsh, I would be quite happy to move away and not see any of them again, apart from my grandma and Sadie. I do dream of moving to Christchurch or somewhere and not having to feel forced to maintain a relationship. I think my Mum would understand that of me. If she were still here I can tell you that she would be playing a HUGE role in your life. Part of the reason why we didn’t have kids earlier is because it breaks my heart to think of what you are missing. She would definitely have divorced Sadies Dad and we were talking about getting a house together. I don’t doubt you’re Mum and I would have lived with her for a few years so we could save up. Oh well, perhaps in an alternative reality that’s happened. I know that your Grandma Baker will be great with you and as for the rest, well, maybe your experience will be like mine with my Grandparents. A good one. I hope so.