The memory of sleeping

Dear Daughter,

Your Mum went through a few days of not feeling so good. She has not been taking her supplements and I think that played a big part. We think you got a little burnt on the face so she was kicking herself over this for days. She was second guessing every decision and I was beginning to think about the signs to look out for with new Mums. But I do just think it was the supplements.

The sleeping routine has been going very well. Its so important to have a plan and make sure you adhere to it. Its something you need to talk about and make sure you are both on the same page. Its amazing how many parents do not talk through this stuff.

You are really starting to kick your legs like mad in this rocker. Hi-5 gets you excited and you stop when they stop.

I came across this piece of music- Miserere by Gregorio Allegri. It is so beautiful.

It is from the 1630's and has an interesting story. The Pope at the time had forbidden to allow anyone to transcribe the music and it was only allowed to be performed at particular Church services in the Sistine Chapel. That is until 1770 when the fourteen-year-old Mozart was visiting Rome, when he first heard the piece during the Wednesday service. Later that day, he wrote it down entirely from memory (parts of this score had 10 part harmonies), returning to the Chapel that Friday to make minor corrections. Can you imagine that? Mozart was summoned to Rome by the Pope, only instead of excommunicating the boy the Pope showered praises on him for his feat of musical genius.

Some more songs for you, this time some memory songs. You know when you hear something and it brings back a memory or a place or even a smell? Well here are some of mine -

'Shes out of my life' by Michael Jackson -
I must have been very young, under 7 years old when I heard Mum sing this song in preperation for a funeral. I have the 45 still for this. I remember sitting in the living room watching Mum learn this song.

'A little bit more' by Dr Hook -
Another song from back in the pre-school days. I remember this song because I confused the line - "When your bodies had, enough of me and im laying flat out on the floor" with "When your bodies had, enough of me and the bear, walked out of the door". I remember singing this song enough times for it to have sunk in permanently.

'Soul kind of feeling' by Dynamic Hepnotics
Around the early high school years. It appealed to me for two weird reasons. The clip in which the singer has a weird head and he kept nodding it hypnotically right in the camera, and secondly because of the lines "you might be sitting alone in your room". I remember my response was the white honky version or "right on brutha". I spent so much time alone in my room during my teen years that songs like this were like secret friends who got me. Which leads to the next memory song for the same reasons -

'In my room' by The Beach Boys
This preceeds the other song by a number of years so I guess I was always a bit of a lonely kid. Brian Wilson was in my life even back before I knew who he was. As far back as I can remember I have liked this song. Which leads to the next memory song for the same reasons -

'Sloop John B' by The Beach Boys
It’s the line "I wanna go home, let me go home". I would ache with sympathy listening to this song, again at a very young age. Before Grade 3. Surely this is something to mull over, why at such a young age was I associating with loneliness?

Look out Snoopy

Dear Daughter,

My Dad reminded me of an incident when I was a little one. I would have been very young. We had recently added little Brutus the Chihuahua to the clan and he must have been going through his teething stage, because I discovered one morning that he had assualted my teddy by chewing off his nose. My teddy was very special to me. He had been through a lot and had been thrown up on more times than anyone cares to remember, me being a sickly child and all. I recall after a particularly big chuck that we had to put Teddy into the washing machine. I was concerned for his safety so I stood in the laundry with the washing maching lid up watching him going round and round in the soapy whirlpool. I kept apologising to him but I don’t think he was in the mood, he just looked straight up at the ceiling and refused to respond. So you can imagine Teddy's mood when I came upon him lying on the floor minus a nose. I picked him up and took him down to show Mum and Dad what had happened. I didn’t have to say anything myself because Teddy could speak for himself. We walked into the bedroom and I held Teddy up in front of me so he could show my Mum and Dad what had occurred. They looked questioningly at Teddy and his missing appendage, to which his response was (in a voice that mimicked someone who had no nose) "I thuppose you fink dats funny!".

We bought the book 'Save Our Sleep' so your Mum has been reading through that every chance she gets. Not that you are any problem in this regard. Its just that we want to make sure we are setting up good sleeping habits and patterns for you. Up to this point we have waited until you are ready yourself and that has been between 8 to 9pm. The book tells us that sleep time should be 7pm so this is what we are working on doing. Last night you had a very short sleep after some drink and then we put you on the play gym (you are grabbing the toys and holding them now, more on that in a second), you got a little snooty after a while and so we put a bottle in hot water to feed you. Next thing we know you are fast asleep. It was great timing because we got to watch Biggest Loser. Then you woke up again and we gave you a little bit of drink and put you in bed by 8pm. So the transition to earlier bed has so far been working well. You have been a dream. I have said this earlier but the last couple of weeks I have become totally smitten with you. You have me for life.

We took you over to the Grandparents so we could go out to lunch and you could spend some time with the Grandparental units. We had a lovely lunch then went shopping for a while. After an hour or so of this we got totally bored and just wanted to see you again. We arrived back at the house and found you asleep. Apparently you had been a bit sooky and had cried a bit. Maybe you were missing us too.

Back to the play gym. It has been interesting watching you reaching out for the swinging toys above you. Slowly but surely you have been getting your hands near them and now you can grab them and hold them for a while. The strange thing is that once you know where they are you tend not to look at them while you make a grab. I think this is just putting two and two together. Eventually you will figure out that looking and grabbing together works a treat. The biggest change we have seen has been with the spinning toy and another one I hold that has a little star wheel that spins. Amazingly you have watched me do this and now you are reaching up and spinning them yourself, not grabbing. Its almost hard to believe but it is clear you are trying to spin them because you are getting better and better at it. So feel proud of yourself.

I have started calling you Snoopy. Go figure.

My favourite thing in the world to do right now is pick you up and give you a big kiss. At this stage you are not complaining so im taking advantage of this and will get a lifetimes worth of kisses in a few months. When I hold you im kissing the back of your head. When im burping you im kissing your head. When im changing you im blowing rasberries on your tummy. Im waiting for the time that you actually find that amusing. You are taking great comfort in our hugs at the moment. We also have a lovely time sitting together after a bottle watching the TV together. I have one hand round your back and one hand holding your left foot. I do this with the dogs too actually, how weird is that.

It is an amazing thing to know that we are picking up your sounds and interpreting them correctly. Makes us feel like we are on the right track.

Another thing I am doing with you every day is playing the Ukulele. You just love it. I have played Over the rainbow, The wheels on the bus, Twinkle twinkle and Incy wincy spider (which I have beeen singing Itsy Bitsy spider until your cousin came over and sung it while I was playing). I make sure I spend time communicating with you and then also letting you do your own thing so you are not reliant on being entertained. I love our quality time though, sometimes I have to tell myself to leave you be.

Love Dad

Stepping out - A comedy

Your Mum has decided to try wrapping you with your arms out now. It’s a calculated risk but you always end up with your arms out anyway. The risk is that you keep hitting yourself in the head and waking yourself up all the time.

We all had our first night out. We went to a family friends home to see the renovations. I was a little nervous about how you would go. I thought it might upset you by us changing the routine. But as our friend pointed out, you have to fit into our lifestyle not the other way around. In the end you were fantastic as usual and we intend to do this more often. A point of contention was about whether we wake you up if you are asleep to take you out. We still tend to think its better to let you wake up yourself. We believe your sleep is important for your development and we need to be flexible about it. What we did was open all the doors and made more noise and eventually (30 minutes) you woke up. Our friend believes you just wake a baby up but I don’t agree. We have found that it seems to mess with your clockwork too much and you find it hard to settle for hours after.

You found your big laugh today. Mum called up and I got to hear you. There is a few laughs actually. A really high one and one with lots of aaahs. You were on your rocker which you now love kicking your legs like mad which makes it rock (you discovered how to do that yesterday). We were very excited by this development as it is very funny to listen to you make these sounds and you can see the excitement in your eyes as you find your voice.

Short and sweet, just like this post.

I added this entry in note form so I will make it nice and simple.

You have on a couple of occasions slept up to 8 hours in one go. What a change. Mum is not having to nap as much now.

We took you to your first Doctors visit because your left eye was all yucky - it was sort of conjunctivitis - tear duct clogged in left eye. You had some antibiotic drops.

One of my favourite things is chatting to you on the change table. I love our 15 minute chats when I get home. You love putting your feet against my chest and kicking madly. I have started biting your hand and kissing it now you seem to know its yours a bit more.

You follow me with your eyes when I move around. You can see me from a longer distance now. So when we walk past you while you are on the floor you turn your head and watch us go. One special moment was when you were laying on mum with your head just under her shoulder all sleepy, I came over and leaned across the couch and said "hello sweet girl". You opened your eyes and gave me a smile, then closed them again. Oh how you can melt a heart.

You went to a first birthday party on Sunday. You slept most of the time actually. Everyone thinks you are very pretty.

Mum loves your chubby legs which are also very smooth. My sisters legs were much chubbier though, i keep telling her that all the time. They were so squeezable.

A couple of occasions I have closed a door when Mum is holding you. Your mouth suddenly turns down and you start to cry, so funny. You are very particular sometimes about noise and other times its not an issue. You certainly advise us when you are displeased.

No speaka da English.....yet.

Dear Daughter,

I realise that the diary is a bit dry at the moment. Im sorry about that. Im sure you understand that I cannot keep the kind of momentum I started with all the time. At the moment I am also thinking a lot about the book I am going to write. Im trying to get my head around completing it, spending some time with it, thinking about the characters. I have also found that my energy levels are still quite low and it really is difficult finding stuff to write in here.

Time is like a fog at the moment, life is not full of clarity and simplicity. Days go by in a blur. For a while there I was almost afraid of what I would be going home to. I realise more and more that this is the normal reaction for fathers. We don’t have the chemical shifts that the mothers get. The changes are all mental for us and change is never easy. I love change for the way it unsettles you and keeps you on your toes. This time is about shaking you up a bit and creating new Dad pathways in the brain.

Its like when I spend time teaching you how to move your mouth into different shapes to help you learn speech. You can watch me for more than 10 minutes as I make different faces and sounds. I am mostly sticking to a couple of things so you don’t get confused. I watch you concentrating hard to try and mimic me and I realise that this is when your brain is making new connections, new pathways to ensure that once you learn you don’t have to keep re-learning. I poke my tongue out and now you are starting to do it. Its amazing to watch. I also do a lot of pursing my lips out and and going BA BA BA. I open my mouth wide and make sounds. I listen to you doing quick exhalations of breath and think that if I add this sound when I open my mouth and then make a sound it might click. I go hah hah hah aaaaaaaa (my voice goes high and low almost like singing without notes). Every day you make new sounds. Sounds that communicate things other than just hunger and frustration. You only make certain sounds when we talk to each other, or when you are on the play gym. Its like you are on the verge of working it all out, or at least working out that you can make sounds whenever you want.

When you are under the gym I can see from your face that you are trying to work out how to touch the things you see. You are also so close to sleeping past one of your feeds during the night. In fact you would have the night before if your Mum hadnt woken you up. During your checkup the nurse told her just to let you sleep through. In fact you are dropping off to sleep around 8:30 lately which is really great. I can come home and spend quality time with you and then spend time with your Mum as well as taking the poochies out for their walk.

You are so damn cute with your expressions. Even your cries are still cute. Its because we know exactly why you are doing them. Your Mum finds your cries for food very funny. You certainly show us your indignation at having to wait. You cry loudly and kick up a fuss and then when its ready we stick the bottle in your mouth and whala, quiet as a mouse. I love when you are all full up and we put you on our leg to burp. Your little face is all fat and squashed up because our hands are under your chin. Your arms hang to your sides and your eyes are closed. Other times you are in that half sleep where your hands are still trying to grap hold of things. Sometimes when you are upset your hands clasp then pull apart. When I feed you the bottle you keep trying to get my attention with your eyes. I try not to do that so you can concentrate but you make me laugh andI cannot stop from grinning.

There was another occasion that you wouldn’t go down to sleep despite being tired so when I picked you up I refused to look at you. I held you but kept my face pointing the other way. Amazingly it worked and you went off to sleep. It really is about experimenting and seeing what works. To add to this you also need to realise that we are dealing with quantum physics laws which is that things change all the time with no reason, no logic. You need to be ready to change it all again.

I bought the coolest swinging tree frame, its three frames that sit one on top of the other on a metal stick and you can spin each frame around to see the photo on the other side.

Isnt this a mesmirising clip? -

irregular flow from 4khz on Vimeo.

Dad

Pulling an all nighter, sorta

You slept 4 hours and 5 hours last night, WOW. Hope this is the shape of things to come. It means your Mum gets longer blocks of sleep during the night and less naps required during the day.

You did another huge poo, sorry but this is the exciting stuff for us. All parents worry about no poo.

You are also spending more time on the floor under the play gym. You keep yourself amused for longer periods of time looking around at all the colours. Its really nice to see. It takes you away from us holding you and enables you to start working the legs and arms.

We gave you the dummy again. Not for a long time but it helped settle you a bit.

And now a quick recap of todays news...

We just had the Australia Day long weekend, or invasion day as many see it. I have come through it a little tired but gratified by the changes I see in you. You have hardly slept at all during the last few days, catching small naps here and there but nothing like before. All of a sudden you have become much more aware of your surroundings.

I think these first few months are like slowly emerging from a heavy mist. You not only see things more clearly, you also appear more focused and attentive. During feeding time (I love the connotation of feeding time at the Zoo) you look into my eyes. I make shapes with my mouth, poke out my tongue and raise my eyebrows. These actions are usually met by the famous frown. About half way through a bottle I take it out and burp you which inevitably leads to you crying loudly at the injustice. At times when I offer the bottle back you are not quite ready to keep drinking. Another bout of crying and vigorous wriggling ensues. I either put you on my shoulder or walk you around for a while until you calm, or I begin to make the sucking motion with my own mouth. It is surprising how often this actually works. You see and hear my sucking and you begin to mimic me. This could prove the belief that you perceive internal and external as the same thing.

I think my favourite thing right now is when you sleep on me. I walk you around until you close your eyes then get myself comfortable on the couch. You lay stomach down on me and you sleep so restfully. As I breathe you move up and down like you are floating in the sea. Our hearts beat close to each other and I can look down at your face and wonder. And just like me you have to find your sweet spot, you raise yourself up all sleepy faced and turn your head to face the other direction. Sometimes you bury your face into me just like Carnie does, your little hands close to your mouth and I wonder if you can breathe. After some time I find your occasional wriggling has moved you down to my stomach and you are now lying crossways on me, legs dangling over the side.

You are getting so long that you hardly fit in the bath now. It’s only been six weeks and you are getting too big for things. My God this all happens quickly. You also spun completely round in the bassinet which is totally bizarre, I still don’t know how you accomplished this.

We went out to lunch on Saturday and saw the movie Juno while Nan Baker looked after you. It is good practice for her. We can only really have three people feed you otherwise it gets too confusing. We all have our own methods. Have I mentioned we have been working through the entire 7 seasons of Deep Space 9? We are doing well, I think we are up to Season 6 now. Quite a lot of viewing but you need something to watch when it’s feeding time for the little monkey. Which feels like all the time.

I tend to annoy your Mum trying to make sure she gets enough sleep. I have been backing off on this as she can look after herself. I still remind her but don’t push the subject. I think she is getting a decent amount now at night and once you add the afternoon or evening nap with the morning nap it adds up to enough. For me it is really kind of important that I know I can go to bed at 10:30 for work the next day. If I don’t I just cant function. I spend the next day in a daze. It’s funny that the first song I wrote down for you relates to us getting sleep, and I wrote it before you arrived.

So here is a quick run through of things we are noticing at the moment - we have started putting you under the mini gym a few weeks back but it’s only now that you are more interested. You particularly like the ones that spin. You are focusing on things more than ever, discovering new things so we are stimulating you a lot more with visuals. We are chilling out a lot more now and just going with the flow, both just automatically doing things that need doing without being told. People are saying your face is changing, that you have my eyes, others saying you have more of your Mum in your features now, that you look less new born. You are six weeks today, so much growth. You are stretching like a little plant finding the sun. Your socks no longer fit. There was a jump suit that fit fine one week then suddenly your little legs were too long, so Mum just cut the legs off. You definitely love being with us, you enjoy our cuddles and our voices. We continue to try and understand you more and observe, tune in to what you need.


Just finishing John Updike's - Bech: A Book. What an amazing writer. What prose.

Also finished Cormac McCarthy's - No Country For Old Men - it wasn’t as satisfying as I had hoped.

Found the Lost Lennon Tapes in Podcast version. This is a must for you to listen to.

Breaking out of the comfort zone.

Can you see how this diary has changed? I guess it will be this way for a little while as I still find a routine and some energy to keep this going. I find that any down time I get I just want to veg out and watch Deep Space 9 episodes. My biggest surprise so far has been the way your Mum has stepped up and really become the patient one of the both of us. Still for me I tend to get a little impatient if I know that I will be up until late and have to get up to work the next day. But your Mum shows such fortitude and unwavering enthusiasm. She has all this energy and going from someone who cherished sleep it has been amazing to me that she gets up after a couple of hours sleep with no complaints. Not that she necessarily wakes up straight away.

On Saturday morning around 2am I heard you begin your sequence of waking up which leads to crying if you are not on your toes. I heard you first and as it was Mum who was getting up I said her name to gently wake her up.

"Sweets"
"Mmmm"
"Little ones rousing"
"nnnnnwha?"
"Little ones waking up"
"nnnn its ok"
"What?"
"Its ok I have her"
"What do you mean?"
"(getting agitated) I have her, im holding her"
"What are you talking about?"
"Im holding her now its ok"
"Honey what are you on about, she’s waking up"
"What? Oh, ok".

I have had these kinds of conversations with her before. She gets confused with dream and the waking world. She finally wakes up and goes to prepare the milk for you. Apparently she was dreaming at that very moment about holding you. I actually got up myself a few minutes later to just check that she hadn’t remained confused and fed the bottle to Pippy and put you on the girls bed next to Carnie.

You will be very proud to know that you still drink more, poo more and fart louder than all the other babies at Mothers Group. When we burp you it’s the cutest thing to watch. You stretch out your arms and your legs and make a big groaning sound. We call it the 'Superman'. On Sunday night you were very thirsty indeed and downed about 150mls or more of milk. I had you over my shoulder (you can see what’s coming cant you, I wish I could have) and with no warning at all you threw up the whole lot right down my front. I was soaked. You had this satisfied look on your face after that, then proceeded to demand more milk! Argggghhhhhhhhh.

Mum joined in with me singing Frère Jacques while we were changing you. Your little face went into this state of concentration as you were listening to us. You really seemed to enjoy it. I think it must emit some good vibrations. Perhaps your relative calmness can be attributed to our approach to parenting. We are both very calm people and they do say babies just mirror back what they are surrounded by. I love giving both of you a hug. I’m not sure I have properly explained to you yet but I sing to you almost all the time. A lot more than I just speak. Speaking is singing in some way and so I think making it more pronounced can only help you understand language quicker later.

Your Mum loves our bath time together. She was telling me that one of the other new Dads from her Mums group loves to have shower time with his little one. That would be so funny seeing your face as the water hit you. Apparently they just moved the nozzle down so it didn’t get in their eyes. Have I told you that you have discovered my chest hair and grab it with those strong little fingers and refuse to let go? Now that smarts.

I’m very proud of the way we your Mum and I work together. I think our relationship is deepening in some really special ways. We both have made some changes regarding how we handle times of frustration and how to handle each other when this happens. At Mums Group some of the women were saying they have never argued so much with their husbands. For us it is quite different. We keep an eye out for each other and also talk about our approach to looking after you so we can make sure everything is consistent. This means small stuff as well like burping and wrapping and how to wipe your bum. We are a well oiled machine at the moment. I think I am doing a good job of keeping your Mum mentally on track as she tackles what to do with breastfeeding. Sometimes you have to just say “this is how it’s going to happen”, rather than make it a discussion. It is tiring stuff for her and it important to keep her looking at the big picture and counting your wins as well as your losses.

Listening to the John Safran Podcast last night and there was a man who spent time in jail and has since turned his life around. He read a lot of books and worked out what successful people had in common and tried to apply it to his life. Three things stood out to me. Firstly they all were brutally honest with themselves, secondly they denied themselves certain things to learn how to break out of their comfort zones and lastly that they all jealously guard their reputation and integrity. This third point is what is affecting my life at the moment. The way your Mums father and cousin have accused me of being the cause of their issues really annoys me as it goes against the very essence of what I am about. I must learn to ignore these sorts of people who really know nothing about me and not let it get to me. I guess I do think that everyone should like me and get shocked when someone doesn’t. Watch that ego boy.

The title 'Waking World' is a great title for a story. I should try it out.