No speaka da English.....yet.

Dear Daughter,

I realise that the diary is a bit dry at the moment. Im sorry about that. Im sure you understand that I cannot keep the kind of momentum I started with all the time. At the moment I am also thinking a lot about the book I am going to write. Im trying to get my head around completing it, spending some time with it, thinking about the characters. I have also found that my energy levels are still quite low and it really is difficult finding stuff to write in here.

Time is like a fog at the moment, life is not full of clarity and simplicity. Days go by in a blur. For a while there I was almost afraid of what I would be going home to. I realise more and more that this is the normal reaction for fathers. We don’t have the chemical shifts that the mothers get. The changes are all mental for us and change is never easy. I love change for the way it unsettles you and keeps you on your toes. This time is about shaking you up a bit and creating new Dad pathways in the brain.

Its like when I spend time teaching you how to move your mouth into different shapes to help you learn speech. You can watch me for more than 10 minutes as I make different faces and sounds. I am mostly sticking to a couple of things so you don’t get confused. I watch you concentrating hard to try and mimic me and I realise that this is when your brain is making new connections, new pathways to ensure that once you learn you don’t have to keep re-learning. I poke my tongue out and now you are starting to do it. Its amazing to watch. I also do a lot of pursing my lips out and and going BA BA BA. I open my mouth wide and make sounds. I listen to you doing quick exhalations of breath and think that if I add this sound when I open my mouth and then make a sound it might click. I go hah hah hah aaaaaaaa (my voice goes high and low almost like singing without notes). Every day you make new sounds. Sounds that communicate things other than just hunger and frustration. You only make certain sounds when we talk to each other, or when you are on the play gym. Its like you are on the verge of working it all out, or at least working out that you can make sounds whenever you want.

When you are under the gym I can see from your face that you are trying to work out how to touch the things you see. You are also so close to sleeping past one of your feeds during the night. In fact you would have the night before if your Mum hadnt woken you up. During your checkup the nurse told her just to let you sleep through. In fact you are dropping off to sleep around 8:30 lately which is really great. I can come home and spend quality time with you and then spend time with your Mum as well as taking the poochies out for their walk.

You are so damn cute with your expressions. Even your cries are still cute. Its because we know exactly why you are doing them. Your Mum finds your cries for food very funny. You certainly show us your indignation at having to wait. You cry loudly and kick up a fuss and then when its ready we stick the bottle in your mouth and whala, quiet as a mouse. I love when you are all full up and we put you on our leg to burp. Your little face is all fat and squashed up because our hands are under your chin. Your arms hang to your sides and your eyes are closed. Other times you are in that half sleep where your hands are still trying to grap hold of things. Sometimes when you are upset your hands clasp then pull apart. When I feed you the bottle you keep trying to get my attention with your eyes. I try not to do that so you can concentrate but you make me laugh andI cannot stop from grinning.

There was another occasion that you wouldn’t go down to sleep despite being tired so when I picked you up I refused to look at you. I held you but kept my face pointing the other way. Amazingly it worked and you went off to sleep. It really is about experimenting and seeing what works. To add to this you also need to realise that we are dealing with quantum physics laws which is that things change all the time with no reason, no logic. You need to be ready to change it all again.

I bought the coolest swinging tree frame, its three frames that sit one on top of the other on a metal stick and you can spin each frame around to see the photo on the other side.

Isnt this a mesmirising clip? -

irregular flow from 4khz on Vimeo.

Dad