Night Driving Music for pale young boys

Dear Daughter,

Your Mum and I were talking about car trips we had when we were young. There was something magical about these long drives. My parents would put down the back seats and i could lay there under a blanket looking up at the stars and the passing street lights. I would imagine i was flying through space passing through galaxies. It makes me think of this song -



But if i was to name the best night time driving song it would definately be this one -



All this talk about youth and holidays reminds me of The Kinks for some reason. I guess it is their fascination in family life and all things pastoral. The Village Green album was such and extreme antithises to the popular psychedelic and rock albums being made at the time. It completely bombed however now it is lauded as a masterpiece. Another album of theirs that just didnt catch on for similar reasons was Muswell Hillbillies. A weird combination of post-war Londons housing issues due to the bombing played in a decidedly American style. This particular song is not the best representation of this however it does remind me so much of your Great Grandmothers fondness for the English obsession with tea. I was after all discussing my youth somewhere above before i did a Karma Police and lost myself.



To finish off lets list a few more great Night Driving Songs.



Forgive the quality but this HAD to be in here




And finally the best empty highway at night song ever -

Look out Snoopy

Dear Daughter,

My Dad reminded me of an incident when I was a little one. I would have been very young. We had recently added little Brutus the Chihuahua to the clan and he must have been going through his teething stage, because I discovered one morning that he had assualted my teddy by chewing off his nose. My teddy was very special to me. He had been through a lot and had been thrown up on more times than anyone cares to remember, me being a sickly child and all. I recall after a particularly big chuck that we had to put Teddy into the washing machine. I was concerned for his safety so I stood in the laundry with the washing maching lid up watching him going round and round in the soapy whirlpool. I kept apologising to him but I don’t think he was in the mood, he just looked straight up at the ceiling and refused to respond. So you can imagine Teddy's mood when I came upon him lying on the floor minus a nose. I picked him up and took him down to show Mum and Dad what had happened. I didn’t have to say anything myself because Teddy could speak for himself. We walked into the bedroom and I held Teddy up in front of me so he could show my Mum and Dad what had occurred. They looked questioningly at Teddy and his missing appendage, to which his response was (in a voice that mimicked someone who had no nose) "I thuppose you fink dats funny!".

We bought the book 'Save Our Sleep' so your Mum has been reading through that every chance she gets. Not that you are any problem in this regard. Its just that we want to make sure we are setting up good sleeping habits and patterns for you. Up to this point we have waited until you are ready yourself and that has been between 8 to 9pm. The book tells us that sleep time should be 7pm so this is what we are working on doing. Last night you had a very short sleep after some drink and then we put you on the play gym (you are grabbing the toys and holding them now, more on that in a second), you got a little snooty after a while and so we put a bottle in hot water to feed you. Next thing we know you are fast asleep. It was great timing because we got to watch Biggest Loser. Then you woke up again and we gave you a little bit of drink and put you in bed by 8pm. So the transition to earlier bed has so far been working well. You have been a dream. I have said this earlier but the last couple of weeks I have become totally smitten with you. You have me for life.

We took you over to the Grandparents so we could go out to lunch and you could spend some time with the Grandparental units. We had a lovely lunch then went shopping for a while. After an hour or so of this we got totally bored and just wanted to see you again. We arrived back at the house and found you asleep. Apparently you had been a bit sooky and had cried a bit. Maybe you were missing us too.

Back to the play gym. It has been interesting watching you reaching out for the swinging toys above you. Slowly but surely you have been getting your hands near them and now you can grab them and hold them for a while. The strange thing is that once you know where they are you tend not to look at them while you make a grab. I think this is just putting two and two together. Eventually you will figure out that looking and grabbing together works a treat. The biggest change we have seen has been with the spinning toy and another one I hold that has a little star wheel that spins. Amazingly you have watched me do this and now you are reaching up and spinning them yourself, not grabbing. Its almost hard to believe but it is clear you are trying to spin them because you are getting better and better at it. So feel proud of yourself.

I have started calling you Snoopy. Go figure.

My favourite thing in the world to do right now is pick you up and give you a big kiss. At this stage you are not complaining so im taking advantage of this and will get a lifetimes worth of kisses in a few months. When I hold you im kissing the back of your head. When im burping you im kissing your head. When im changing you im blowing rasberries on your tummy. Im waiting for the time that you actually find that amusing. You are taking great comfort in our hugs at the moment. We also have a lovely time sitting together after a bottle watching the TV together. I have one hand round your back and one hand holding your left foot. I do this with the dogs too actually, how weird is that.

It is an amazing thing to know that we are picking up your sounds and interpreting them correctly. Makes us feel like we are on the right track.

Another thing I am doing with you every day is playing the Ukulele. You just love it. I have played Over the rainbow, The wheels on the bus, Twinkle twinkle and Incy wincy spider (which I have beeen singing Itsy Bitsy spider until your cousin came over and sung it while I was playing). I make sure I spend time communicating with you and then also letting you do your own thing so you are not reliant on being entertained. I love our quality time though, sometimes I have to tell myself to leave you be.

Love Dad

The war on Possomism

Dear Daughter,

We have just had a long weekend. My battle with the possums continues. So far they have been winning the battles but they will not win the war. Over the past couple of years they have been desimating our oak tree and waking me up with their noises just outside the bedroom window. Im sick of it and have been fixing it so they cannot get to the tree any more. I have put a chicken wire fence right across the roof, I have chopped back the holly tree so they cant jump across to that. I have been trying to prevent them coming along the power line and also have put plastic around the tree trunks. Each evening at dusk I head outside and see where they are getting in to the tree. Last night I thought I had finally blocked all their access points but then I heard a rustling in a smaller tree next door and somehow they managed to grab the end of a branch on the gum tree and drag themselves up it. I couldn’t believe how clever these buggers are. So this afternoon I am removing that limb. Lets see how they fare then!

Mum said that you should be able to grab hold of things now so we tried that out. You still cannot quite grab things and hold them yet but I did put a grabbing toy in your hand. You held on to it for a little while. Its still kinda weird that you are progressing according to how all the books predict.

It is incredible to see you use your voice more each day. Finding new sounds and using certain sounds to express yourself. We know your hungry cry now. Im almost certain that you have a singing voice you use when we are singing to you. You have your very happy high pitched yelp and your converstional monkey like ooh ooh which is my favourite. When we make you smile you make this funny kind of high pitched sound that starts croaky. We are recording what we can so you will be able to hear it for yourself I hope.

This was also the big move for you. You are now in your cot. This was an exciting development. I cant believe the pace of all this. Today you are 3 months old. It has been an amazing time. Sometimes a sleepy blur and other times a thrill of discoveries for both yourself and us. The cot move happened over the weekend during the day only. But Mum decided that we should just keep you in there so you could get used to it. The first day you kept waking up; I imagine it was a little strange to open your eyes and see new things around you instead of the white cotton walls of your bassinet. Its like when you first went into that, you had all this room to grow and already you are a bit too big for it so now we are back to you being a tiny thing in a big bed. And now we will see you fill up this space as well. Do you know I was walking at 7 months, I really hope you don’t follow my lead.

Most people are saying we are the spitting image of each other. I must admit I think so too. Looking at the baby photos of me it is amazing. I am sure that you will look more like your Mum when you get older. Did I mention that someone said they think that most babies look like their father so the fathers will not reject them. This has some truth to it. Looking way back in the tribal days where there was no such thing as monogamy. Evolution had to find a way to ensure that the child would be protected. By looking like the father they would know whos it is and that male would want to protect the baby. Its interesting, I wonder if this has been studied? Well I googled this and found a NY Times article that does seem to offer this as a possibility. Another study, published in the journal Evolution and Human Behavior in 2003, seems to support this as well.

Goodness are you drinking a lot more now. Yesterday you just kept drinking. I mean hundreds of mils kept disappearing down your throat. We will need to be on the big bottles soon.

You have also started to fall asleep wherever you are. On the play gym and the rocking chair of yours. I watch you start to slow your movements and your arms begin to hang to your sides. Then your eyes get heavy and whammo, sleeping baby.

On Sunday I bought you a Mother Goose CD and a Play School CD. They are really terrific. Oh and I went over to your Grandparents house with your Grandpa actually there for the first time in a few years. Your Mum is a wise soul. She said she is filled with so much love for you that she just cannot be bothered holding on to any bad feelings any more. So a few weeks back she went over so your Grandad to see you for the first time. And he fell in love with you the second he saw you. Couldn’t stop saying how beautiful you are. As for me, well I have sort of reacted the opposite and got angrier at people. But I have taken your Mums advice in this matter and so I went over as well. He didn’t say hello to me and so I just sat on the ground talking to you. I guess it was good for him to see how doting I am on you as he really doesn’t know me at all. Then when we were leaving he was in the backyard and I was holding you. So I went back there and said say goodbye to grandpa. Your Mum thinks this would have been a big thing for him and he did follow us to the car to say goodbye. So this is a big lesson that you can never be truly certain of anything or anyone. Sometimes you have to listen to others and do what might first appear against the grain if it means good will come of it.

As this diary continues I will try and remember key songs that I believe are quintessential tracks to hear. So the first song I wish to add is -:

'What becomes of the broken hearted' which was originally a hit by Jimmy Ruffin who I know nothing about. It is one of those key songs in the Motown era. The house band who recorded so many of these great songs - The Funk Brothers play on this track. In the wonderful film Standing In The Shadows Of Motown, Joan Osborne does an incredible version of this song. It was quite shocking because she blew the others out of the water, this little croaky voiced white girl showed the most 'soul'. It also comes in at an emotional moment in The Wonder Years show. Its that bitter sweet line "But happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion" which effected me the most.



'Love Is Stronger Than Death' by The The.
The whole Dusk album came at the right time for me, it struck a chord. Songs that dealt with desperation and sadness but also filled with a sense that good things will come if you just allow it. It was me made into an album. At that time I was desperate to understand what love meant. I was battling my self doubt and just trying to learn from my experiences. The message in this song was extremely simple but totally effective. I love his line "Me and my friend were walking, In the cold light of mourning" (no not a spelling mistake). It starts off as this dark and desolate scene only to turn it on its ear and tell us that tears may blind your eyes but the soul is not deceived. It then bursts into this unabashedly joyous chorus in which springtime has arrived and the tears have dried. That everything that dies will rise because love is stronger than death. In the second verse he talks about hungering for what we cant have and not saying the things we want to say because we are too afraid of rejection. But in the end the spirit will speak and be a guide for us to be more than we are if we only listen. It also links with my belief in the Kundalini. The last lines are Shall rise Shall rise. As far as the album info, Johnny Marr of The Smiths played guitar on it. I remember an interview with the Producer and him saying that is the only album he ever produced that he kept listening to just because he loved it so much. I love the sound of this album in that it had space and yet still have a real atmosphere to it. This song proves that you don’t have to be complicated to make a song sound great. His album Infected was also voted album of the decade somewhere.

'Silent All These Years' by Tori Amos - I get emotional just thinking about this song. Im not one to always get lyrics, they either grab me and I take something from them or I tend to think of them as just sound. Even this song I couldn’t tell you what it means exactly, its just a few lines and the music itself that get me. Her lyrics are never obvious and are like abstract paintings that mean very different things for each person. This is an album for women, THE album for women or girls becoming women. Specific words jump out at me as separate ideas rather than a jigsaw puzzle. Like a Ginsberg poem in that those words together just work. "I got the anti-christ in the kitchen yelling at me again". "Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape, "So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts". Actually there isnt a line that isnt beautiful in its own right. The section that makes me tear up is I guess the bridge in which it cresecends in sound and emotion. The lines are repeated in delay and then come back together again at the peak and then suddenly the song is quiet again. Wow, just inspired songwriting at its best. When I read it back now, I am reminded of another song on the album called Me And A Gun which is a very literal account of her being raped. I now realise that this song is also perhaps about that. When I think of it that way the line "boy you best pray that I bleed real soon" takes on a different meaning. I always took this line in the sarcastic sense. So I guess this is different to the other songs I have mentioned because it makes me think about women who have suffered more than anything related to my own life.

Love Dad

Class reunion - who looks like a bee bit their face.

We went out last night and saw some of your Mums old school friends for the first time in many years. It was strange seeing these faces all matured, some better preserved than others. Edie still looks younger than all of them. Whether its that olive skin that gives the illusion or something else im not sure, she is damn thin which seems to make you look younger, i wouldn't know about that. We went back to the local mall which is where your Mum hung out all the time as a kid and teenager. Even I spent a lot of time there when I was living at my grandparents. It is highly likely that we passed each other on a number of occasions, went to the same movies, ate at the same restaurants, shopped at the same stores. I would love to be able to transport back and see how often we crossed paths. Our subconscious would know as it picks up everything. I wonder if it can be done by hypnosis. I find this idea fascinating, that we would pass as strangers and then one day spend our lives together.

Pips got bitten by a bee on Friday night and we had to rush her off to the animal hospital at 11:30 at night. She puffed up and her heartbeat was very rapid. It seems to happen a lot with these two; six times we have had an emergency of things outside our control. It took her all weekend to recover. She had a nasty scab on her leg where she was bitten. Earlier that night we were at my Auntie Trixie's house for the last get together before my other Auntie and cousins flew off to London. Lilith was fascinated with you; she kept feeling Mums stomach and her eyes would go wide.

Took some great photos of Mum out in the garden holding flowers in a black dress. I cant wait to take pictures of the both of you out there. I think my love of photography is coming back again with a vengeance now i have good subject matter. I have always wanted to take pictures of people rather than places. Bigger challenge.

More holidays to Apollo Bay, less work please

It’s getting real close now. Down to weeks. Your Mum has put a towel on the car seat just in case the levee breaks. "I work on the levee, mama both night and day, I work so hard, to keep the water away. It's a mean old levee, cause me to weep and moan, gonna leave my baby, and my happy home". My job is my levee too, I resent it enough now let alone when you arrive. I still want to be an at home Dad for you. Your Mum enjoys her job and gets all the holidays whereas I hate the job and get very few holidays. I would love to be around for you as you grow up. Its not always possible however, we shall just have to see. I hope we have given you enough of our time that you don’t feel short changed.

This weekend was another backbreaking chain gang of chores entirely of my own choosing. I have been painting so much that on Friday when I took Nan to the MSO concert I was barely able to applaud. My arms shaking violently as I strained to raise them and provide yet another encore opportunity for the conductor. You’re Mum and I have been to five concerts this year for the MSO. This last one we decided I should take my Gran for a night out. It was at the Town Hall instead of the usual showier venue. Nan told me that the last time she was in the town hall was for the Bing Crosby appreciation society club dance when she was 17 (that would make it around 1946). She talked about all the places she used to go on nights out and for lunches. She went on a date with an English sailor once and was escorted back to the station where he shook her hand and said "Thankyou I had a lovely time, good evening Miss Howie". I told this to your Mum and she just rolled her eyes and went "gypped". She has a dirty mind sometimes. My Nan also volunteered in a canteen in Collins St where she made sandwiches and coffee for the servicemen. She met my Grandad from memory working in Myer together. I will be getting all these stories and adding them to the diary later. I told her I want to video them telling all kinds of stories about their life for you. The great thing about digital format is that we can just shoot for hours and store it on a hard drive. The stories she tells me are so amazing, such a different life to what yours will be, although it is my intention to make sure you experience some of the same things they did. Volunteering at old age homes, tree planting days, things like that.

Grandpa tells me that when he was an underage house painter he used to have to carry all his equipment, including the ladder and paint tins in the train with his bike. Can you imagine that now? If you want evidence for how lazy we have become just look at the beginning of this paragraph. Poor little Dad has sore arms because he has done a little painting for Gods sakes. I milk it for all its worth once I get back upstairs, making wincing noises and rubbing my arms like I just wrestled with Zeus. So by the time you have arrived she has already got a good 15 years Mothering experience from looking after me.

I just read a Blog about a guy whose ear hair was mistaken for a stray bit of clothing fluff. I commented that I have so much fuzz on my ears that if I stand in front of a light it looks like I am growing angel’s wings out the side of my head. I also have either chest hair creeping up to my chin or a beard which is losing the fight against gravity and moving down to my chest. In the last year my eyebrows have established a few rogue hairs which have broken with convention and decided to create an upper canopy, which may provide shade for the shorter well behaved hairs but does nothing for my faces symmetry. By trimming the offending hairs to their regular size begins a vicious cycle that only exacerbates over time. For once you trim that hair the surrounding hairs think this is an opportunity to take over the position of head boy. All of a sudden you have a race for the sun on your hands, as your eyebrow begins to look more like a pair of hairy caterpillars on growth hormones. Give it a few years and I won’t need to wear a capped hat.

Your Mum is having weird baby dreams. She just told me about this one this morning. She went into labour and so I rushed her to the hospital. Then we are sitting in the waiting room and the nurse comes up to us and hands the baby over to her. She couldn’t remember having it though and asked me if she had to take any drugs. I told her no and she did really well. She then uncovered the baby who was all wrapped up including her head. She was beautiful, but then the more she looked the more she started noticing dog features, the eyes got bigger and the face started sprouting hair and the ears got pointy. By the end she said you looked exactly like a Chihuahua.

Christmas is soon upon us as well, a fact that I am sure you are tired of hearing because it will fall so close to your birthday. I was talking to my Nan about how the Christmas spirit of community and group celebration is virtually gone from the workplace because they don’t wish to spend the money on their staff any more. I said that this is part of a bigger issue and one in which will effectively wipe out the concept of loyalty and pride in your work. People are now thinking if they can’t even be bothered giving us a decent Christmas party why should I put in any effort? Cost cutting does not save money for a company. It breeds apathy and resentment which then effects performance and the bottom line. I can remember going to our local social Club when I was a kid to see Santa. It was a venue where people can meet and have a drink, eat dinner, have a dance etc. They put on a great day for the family for all the Club members. Santa would even come in a helicopter (he would sit in my grandparents leather chair which I hope will come to us). It was damn the expense and let’s give them a great time to say thanks for being a member. This does not happen any more. The Club itself is now just another venue built around pokies machines. Well I will try my best to make sure you have a ball during Christmas. I will aim to get the street involved and have a big Christmas party in the park for everyone to come to. Am I an idealist or has it actually come true? I hope that I have risen the occasion and done everything I can to make you a well rounded person.

So anyway, back to Bach. The Friday concert was the best yet, Bach is my favourite music. It just speaks to me and I don’t have to struggle to understand it and I am never bored listening to it. What is different is that his music often doesn’t have any melodies that you immediately recognise or even remember once the piece is finished. It’s those intertwining lines of melody that don’t really go anywhere that appeal to me. It doesn’t really go anywhere, you don’t recall strong repeating themes repeating and then given variations in different keys and tempos. It doesn’t always resolve itself in obvious ways that someone like Mozart is so good at. Its music of the ether, Gods music. It is the kind of music you can listen to for years before it becomes too familiar. The perfect desert island disk would be Bach. We also listened to a new Clarinet Concerto by Ross Edwards which was wonderful and finally Beethoven's 5th which is also one of the most perfect pieces of music ever created. It was a wonderful concert and im glad I got to share it with my Grandma.

Im sitting here on the top floor looking out to the Dandenong ranges. The dark grey clouds are hovering low above our house and lighting strikes light up the sky. Rain has become more precious than oil.

Bought the Definitive Rolf Harris and 'The most relaxing Bach album in the world'.

Listening to music we can play during your birth, here are some I found today -


Shostakovich - Symphony No.9 in E Flat Major, Op. 70 - Moderato
Haydn - Symphony No.22 in E Flat Major, "The Philosopher" - Adagio
Hayden - Symphony No.26 in D Minor, "Lamentatione" - Adagio (Chorale)
Mahler - Symphony No.1 in D, "The Titan" - 3. Feierlich und gemessen, nicht schleppend
Beethoven - Piano Sonata No.14 "Moonlight" - Adagio sostenuto
Beethoven - Piano Sonata No.8, "Pathetique" - Adagio cantabile
Beethoven No.6, "Pastoral" - Allegro ma non troppo

Role models gone, flew to London on a bender

I taught myself how to shave. I have always found that to be a good representation of where my male role models fell short of the mark. I have learnt more about what not to do from the men in my life than what to do. Come to think of it I cannot think of any men I knew that I wanted to emulate. They all seemed somehow screwed up one way or the other. I find that I am stronger than the lot of them. I slowly developed my strength and sense of self from the strong females in my life and the books I read. Also the expectations I had of myself and what I did not want to become. The funny thing is that you often learn more from the ones that are failing than in the ones that inspire and succeed. One of my biggest influences has been Sadie's father because he has shown me what not to be. I find him such a failure as a man, a husband to my mother and as a human in general that I cant help but be inspired to keep working on myself. My belief in myself has been my doing, nobody else’s. I am proud of myself that I kept my head about me and trusted myself.

Remember I was talking about the crossroads I was facing when your Mum wanted to buy the unit. Well I just watched High Fidelity again and discovered that his story is similar to where I was at back then. His reticence to make that switch, that final commitment took him time and it was with the threat of losing her that he finally understood his feelings. This is exactly where I was at as well. Actually friends have even said im a little like all three characters in that record store.

Your Mum was already in England a few months when I arrived. I was taken aback when I finally saw her. She had lost a lot of weight and looked quite different. I couldn’t stop touching her. Like I was checking to see if she was really her. One of the nicest things about a partner is that you can touch them when you feel like it. It was not fun being apart I can tell you. She had been at her granddad’s but recently moved up to London. I got a letter from her and inside it mentioned there were some guys who were possibly moving in there with her and a few others. It’s the first and only time I was mad with jealousy. I feel like the biggest tool when I think about it now. So anyway I had a job within a couple of days looking after some people with disabilities. I simply loved London so much. I was only working 4 days a week and Fridays off. I would spend my day just walking around for hours and hours. It was so much fun. Your Mum did a bit of work as substitute teacher which she hated and then worked at a men’s clothing shop. I just loved the social aspect of the place. You actually spoke to strangers in pubs. In the afternoon there would be people spilled out in the street because the pubs were full. I loved the warm beer and the cool weather. I went to speaker’s corner in Hyde Park and met a really interesting guy named Anthony. He was from America and was studying psychology in London. He would stand on the milk crate and challenge peoples beliefs and opinions on black stereotypes. He had a whistle around his neck and held a football. He referred to himself as a nigger which really pissed people off. He was a real live wire and just loved debating people I think. I had a chat with him and we went and had McDonalds. I then invited him to come to this blues pub called Bob's Goodtime Blues near where we lived. He arrived with his beautiful girlfriend but all night he was so distracted. His knee would be bouncing up and down while his lady sat back all serene. I would dearly like to contact him again. I don’t think I have his details anymore.

Your Mum was also enjoying a bit of a puff at this time. I think it’s something about being away from home that frees you a bit from what you normally wouldn’t do. She has only smoked a couple of time before this but here in our little flat with all these people, she just enjoyed the times she did have it. She would laugh hysterically. You should ask her some time about the chocolate pudding incident. I would have a smoke myself however it was at this time that I gave up cigarettes. What a place to do that. But I did manage to quit, despite nobody making it too easy for me. Sometimes I would just have to sit up in the room to keep away from all the smokers. Speaking of the room. Two single beds, your Mum and I in one and two other people in the other and then another on the floor at one stage. This is in a room the same size as the end room at home. So I was loving my time there. I only went on two trips outside of London. One to see her Grandad and other family and another day trip to Oxford which was wonderful. We had plans to head over to Europe and Scotland but it was then that I got calls from Grandma and my Dad to say that Mum was not doing so well. She wasn’t telling me this and didn’t want me to know. Well thank God I can rely on your Mum to organise things because the next morning I was on a plane home. That’s a story for another time.

House hunting with a baby

We took what, about 11 years to get married finall? I like to take my time. Can you imagine what I was like when Grandad Baker started telling your Mum to buy a unit? I got scared. Oh God no, this means that I am in this relationship for good. There is no 'out' once I take this plunge. This was before we got married obviously. We were living above a shop at the time. It was an awful place in a great spot. I doubt we even have photos of the place. Your Mum hated it. It was all mission brown and a breeze would blow up the stairs from outside and we had no heaters other than a small electric one. There was even a time during the last month or so of living there that we had no bed. Your Mum slept on a fold out bed and I slept on the floor. The floorboards creaked horribly and the shop owner would keep knocking on the door telling us to keep it down. But I just loved being so close to everything. I loved the adventure of it. One of the windows had a terrific view of the city as well. So you can imagine that the idea of moving out and buying something became very appealing for her. But for a guy this is a huge thing. There is something deep down in your subconscious that tells you to keep your options open. Guys do not settle down as naturally as girls do. It is definitely a genetic leftover from when we were nomads. So when she started talking buying I panicked. It was a big moment, it was a mind shift. For me it meant making the final commitment and having it sink in. There was finality to it that scared me for a bit. So I did actually say no for a while. Your Mum was great, she did exactly what she should have done and said that she would be doing it anyway without my help. Sometime we all need to be pushed into change, into action and it is your partners responsibility to aid in that, as well as being true to their own vision and needs. So eventually I made that switch in my brain and once I did, that was it. It was a great feeling, I felt free rather than trapped. It was like an evolutionary ascension that us humans must do to keep progressing and adapting. We cant be held back by genetic predisposition. That is no excuse. If only we could all move on from war mongering.

So we bought the unit and for your Mum it was a huge time of growth. We both knew very little about how to look after a house but it is during this time that we started to learn how to fix up a house. I did my first paving job out back and your Mum actually did the garden. We made the place look fantastic for what it was and it ended up selling for over double what we paid just a few years on. It was also during this time that your Mum and I quit smoking finally. I was only smoking beedies for a little while as I had quit cigarettes in London. It was a big thing to do for your Mum who had been a heavy smoker since she was a teenager. It was also the time that her relationship with her Dad changed dramatically. She finally started to think for herself and not take everything he said as gospel. To this day your Grandfather has stubbornly rejected these changes she has made and will not see us. He is not a man who believes in change so he has been unable to become the father of an adult as opposed to a child. It is very very sad for him. He blames me as well, thinks I am now controlling your Mum. I understand why he thinks that because in his own little world he rules his wife. He cannot fathom things can be different to that. Stubbornness and pride have prevented him and those around him from being happy. This means that your Mum has had to disconnect her feelings for him so she can get on with her life and be happy herself.

A cenotaph is a tomb or a monument erected in honour of a person or group of persons whose remains are elsewhere.

Elegy was originally used for a type of poetic metre (Elegiac metre), but is also used for a poem of mourning.

Muggles, a slang term for cannabis, mostly used in the 1920s and 1930s and associated with the American jazz scene. From the lyrics to 'Dope Fiend Blues' by Allen Ginsberg' -

Im a dopefiend sitting in my bedroom high
I did'nt even light up no muggles, don’t know why
I'm just naturally a dopefiend under a friendly sky

This issue with Grandpa Baker also reminds me of one of the big events that stopped him talking to us. I had just got the job at the call centre. This was a big change time for me. I was feeling a lot more confident about myself. After ten years of working in disabilities I was feeling down about my future. I was really good at the job and was given more and more responsibility. I decided I wanted a newer car because of how I felt and because I wanted something nice for a change. It was more symbolic than I realised at the time but this was a big step for me, to stop feeling down about myself and to feel like I should look after myself a bit more. Your Mum recognised this because she is smart and knows me more than me sometimes. So we got this great Suzuki 4WD and I loved it so much. Your Grandpa however kicked up a big stink because he wanted us to buy a brand new car and he wanted to be the one to make that decision as to what to buy (what he wanted was a piece of crap btw that subsequently proved to be a dog of a car that lost its value quickly, while my car retained its value). That was the start of it all. He had a hissy fit and decided to stop talking to your Mum. He also wanted your Mum to have the good car. Mum told him that she didn’t care about getting another car at that time and it was more important to me. As I mentioned above, this is not something he was able to understand. And because it was his way or the highway your Mum finally told him that she didn’t need his assistance or his advice and that was that. I wonder if you have rebelled yet and which of us it was aimed at. God I hope I can keep my head when or if this happens to me.

PS: As an addition to the above (again), my issue with deserving nice things stems back to my father, who to this day does not think he is good enough to deserve anything nice. He buys beautiful guitars and wont play them, instead he plays the cheap ones. He does his drawings on crap paper because his talent is not worthy of good materials. So I had to unlearn this learned habit and im happy to say that I was successful.

01st November 2007

The stupid diary

I was about 18, Mum had asked me to go up to the shops to get some things. I took Sadie with me who was about 3'ish I think. It was a warmish day and I wasn’t going to be long so I left the keys in the car and left the window open a little bit then asked Sophie to unlock the door when I came back. I returned a couple of minutes later and Sadie was asleep, I knocked on the window but she would not wake up. I kept knocking and yelling out to her but with the warm car she had fallen into a deep sleep. Can you believe how stupid that was? I tried calling Mum but the phone was engaged so I had to get someone to drive me home to pick up the spare set of keys. Well you can imagine Mums reaction. Sadie was just fine.

Mums hips are hurting from sleeping on her side. She cant find that 'sweet spot'. She is used to sleeping on her back but you cant do that with a little one growing inside you. The poor thing gets up every few hours, but frankly I reckon that is natures way of telling sleepy head whats coming.

I had a terrific dream last night. It was all over the place but near the end I was helping old people into an auditorium and I went down front to chat with some musical people. One guy was playing a song he wrote sort of about me and them my gran came up with a plate of goodies. Then I think Mum did the same. I remember telling this guy that Mum had been sick for years now, I was choking up trying to say it. After that I saw a guy telling all the oldies they have to leave. The Exit was right at the back of the venue and the steps were steep. Near the top I saw my grandparents and they waved at me. Then I saw Mum and I waved at her but she stopped walking, turned to me and put one thumb up, then left. I woke with up and realised what I had just dreampt and had a big smile on my face. I love her messages.