Look out Snoopy

Dear Daughter,

My Dad reminded me of an incident when I was a little one. I would have been very young. We had recently added little Brutus the Chihuahua to the clan and he must have been going through his teething stage, because I discovered one morning that he had assualted my teddy by chewing off his nose. My teddy was very special to me. He had been through a lot and had been thrown up on more times than anyone cares to remember, me being a sickly child and all. I recall after a particularly big chuck that we had to put Teddy into the washing machine. I was concerned for his safety so I stood in the laundry with the washing maching lid up watching him going round and round in the soapy whirlpool. I kept apologising to him but I don’t think he was in the mood, he just looked straight up at the ceiling and refused to respond. So you can imagine Teddy's mood when I came upon him lying on the floor minus a nose. I picked him up and took him down to show Mum and Dad what had happened. I didn’t have to say anything myself because Teddy could speak for himself. We walked into the bedroom and I held Teddy up in front of me so he could show my Mum and Dad what had occurred. They looked questioningly at Teddy and his missing appendage, to which his response was (in a voice that mimicked someone who had no nose) "I thuppose you fink dats funny!".

We bought the book 'Save Our Sleep' so your Mum has been reading through that every chance she gets. Not that you are any problem in this regard. Its just that we want to make sure we are setting up good sleeping habits and patterns for you. Up to this point we have waited until you are ready yourself and that has been between 8 to 9pm. The book tells us that sleep time should be 7pm so this is what we are working on doing. Last night you had a very short sleep after some drink and then we put you on the play gym (you are grabbing the toys and holding them now, more on that in a second), you got a little snooty after a while and so we put a bottle in hot water to feed you. Next thing we know you are fast asleep. It was great timing because we got to watch Biggest Loser. Then you woke up again and we gave you a little bit of drink and put you in bed by 8pm. So the transition to earlier bed has so far been working well. You have been a dream. I have said this earlier but the last couple of weeks I have become totally smitten with you. You have me for life.

We took you over to the Grandparents so we could go out to lunch and you could spend some time with the Grandparental units. We had a lovely lunch then went shopping for a while. After an hour or so of this we got totally bored and just wanted to see you again. We arrived back at the house and found you asleep. Apparently you had been a bit sooky and had cried a bit. Maybe you were missing us too.

Back to the play gym. It has been interesting watching you reaching out for the swinging toys above you. Slowly but surely you have been getting your hands near them and now you can grab them and hold them for a while. The strange thing is that once you know where they are you tend not to look at them while you make a grab. I think this is just putting two and two together. Eventually you will figure out that looking and grabbing together works a treat. The biggest change we have seen has been with the spinning toy and another one I hold that has a little star wheel that spins. Amazingly you have watched me do this and now you are reaching up and spinning them yourself, not grabbing. Its almost hard to believe but it is clear you are trying to spin them because you are getting better and better at it. So feel proud of yourself.

I have started calling you Snoopy. Go figure.

My favourite thing in the world to do right now is pick you up and give you a big kiss. At this stage you are not complaining so im taking advantage of this and will get a lifetimes worth of kisses in a few months. When I hold you im kissing the back of your head. When im burping you im kissing your head. When im changing you im blowing rasberries on your tummy. Im waiting for the time that you actually find that amusing. You are taking great comfort in our hugs at the moment. We also have a lovely time sitting together after a bottle watching the TV together. I have one hand round your back and one hand holding your left foot. I do this with the dogs too actually, how weird is that.

It is an amazing thing to know that we are picking up your sounds and interpreting them correctly. Makes us feel like we are on the right track.

Another thing I am doing with you every day is playing the Ukulele. You just love it. I have played Over the rainbow, The wheels on the bus, Twinkle twinkle and Incy wincy spider (which I have beeen singing Itsy Bitsy spider until your cousin came over and sung it while I was playing). I make sure I spend time communicating with you and then also letting you do your own thing so you are not reliant on being entertained. I love our quality time though, sometimes I have to tell myself to leave you be.

Love Dad

The war on Possomism

Dear Daughter,

We have just had a long weekend. My battle with the possums continues. So far they have been winning the battles but they will not win the war. Over the past couple of years they have been desimating our oak tree and waking me up with their noises just outside the bedroom window. Im sick of it and have been fixing it so they cannot get to the tree any more. I have put a chicken wire fence right across the roof, I have chopped back the holly tree so they cant jump across to that. I have been trying to prevent them coming along the power line and also have put plastic around the tree trunks. Each evening at dusk I head outside and see where they are getting in to the tree. Last night I thought I had finally blocked all their access points but then I heard a rustling in a smaller tree next door and somehow they managed to grab the end of a branch on the gum tree and drag themselves up it. I couldn’t believe how clever these buggers are. So this afternoon I am removing that limb. Lets see how they fare then!

Mum said that you should be able to grab hold of things now so we tried that out. You still cannot quite grab things and hold them yet but I did put a grabbing toy in your hand. You held on to it for a little while. Its still kinda weird that you are progressing according to how all the books predict.

It is incredible to see you use your voice more each day. Finding new sounds and using certain sounds to express yourself. We know your hungry cry now. Im almost certain that you have a singing voice you use when we are singing to you. You have your very happy high pitched yelp and your converstional monkey like ooh ooh which is my favourite. When we make you smile you make this funny kind of high pitched sound that starts croaky. We are recording what we can so you will be able to hear it for yourself I hope.

This was also the big move for you. You are now in your cot. This was an exciting development. I cant believe the pace of all this. Today you are 3 months old. It has been an amazing time. Sometimes a sleepy blur and other times a thrill of discoveries for both yourself and us. The cot move happened over the weekend during the day only. But Mum decided that we should just keep you in there so you could get used to it. The first day you kept waking up; I imagine it was a little strange to open your eyes and see new things around you instead of the white cotton walls of your bassinet. Its like when you first went into that, you had all this room to grow and already you are a bit too big for it so now we are back to you being a tiny thing in a big bed. And now we will see you fill up this space as well. Do you know I was walking at 7 months, I really hope you don’t follow my lead.

Most people are saying we are the spitting image of each other. I must admit I think so too. Looking at the baby photos of me it is amazing. I am sure that you will look more like your Mum when you get older. Did I mention that someone said they think that most babies look like their father so the fathers will not reject them. This has some truth to it. Looking way back in the tribal days where there was no such thing as monogamy. Evolution had to find a way to ensure that the child would be protected. By looking like the father they would know whos it is and that male would want to protect the baby. Its interesting, I wonder if this has been studied? Well I googled this and found a NY Times article that does seem to offer this as a possibility. Another study, published in the journal Evolution and Human Behavior in 2003, seems to support this as well.

Goodness are you drinking a lot more now. Yesterday you just kept drinking. I mean hundreds of mils kept disappearing down your throat. We will need to be on the big bottles soon.

You have also started to fall asleep wherever you are. On the play gym and the rocking chair of yours. I watch you start to slow your movements and your arms begin to hang to your sides. Then your eyes get heavy and whammo, sleeping baby.

On Sunday I bought you a Mother Goose CD and a Play School CD. They are really terrific. Oh and I went over to your Grandparents house with your Grandpa actually there for the first time in a few years. Your Mum is a wise soul. She said she is filled with so much love for you that she just cannot be bothered holding on to any bad feelings any more. So a few weeks back she went over so your Grandad to see you for the first time. And he fell in love with you the second he saw you. Couldn’t stop saying how beautiful you are. As for me, well I have sort of reacted the opposite and got angrier at people. But I have taken your Mums advice in this matter and so I went over as well. He didn’t say hello to me and so I just sat on the ground talking to you. I guess it was good for him to see how doting I am on you as he really doesn’t know me at all. Then when we were leaving he was in the backyard and I was holding you. So I went back there and said say goodbye to grandpa. Your Mum thinks this would have been a big thing for him and he did follow us to the car to say goodbye. So this is a big lesson that you can never be truly certain of anything or anyone. Sometimes you have to listen to others and do what might first appear against the grain if it means good will come of it.

As this diary continues I will try and remember key songs that I believe are quintessential tracks to hear. So the first song I wish to add is -:

'What becomes of the broken hearted' which was originally a hit by Jimmy Ruffin who I know nothing about. It is one of those key songs in the Motown era. The house band who recorded so many of these great songs - The Funk Brothers play on this track. In the wonderful film Standing In The Shadows Of Motown, Joan Osborne does an incredible version of this song. It was quite shocking because she blew the others out of the water, this little croaky voiced white girl showed the most 'soul'. It also comes in at an emotional moment in The Wonder Years show. Its that bitter sweet line "But happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion" which effected me the most.



'Love Is Stronger Than Death' by The The.
The whole Dusk album came at the right time for me, it struck a chord. Songs that dealt with desperation and sadness but also filled with a sense that good things will come if you just allow it. It was me made into an album. At that time I was desperate to understand what love meant. I was battling my self doubt and just trying to learn from my experiences. The message in this song was extremely simple but totally effective. I love his line "Me and my friend were walking, In the cold light of mourning" (no not a spelling mistake). It starts off as this dark and desolate scene only to turn it on its ear and tell us that tears may blind your eyes but the soul is not deceived. It then bursts into this unabashedly joyous chorus in which springtime has arrived and the tears have dried. That everything that dies will rise because love is stronger than death. In the second verse he talks about hungering for what we cant have and not saying the things we want to say because we are too afraid of rejection. But in the end the spirit will speak and be a guide for us to be more than we are if we only listen. It also links with my belief in the Kundalini. The last lines are Shall rise Shall rise. As far as the album info, Johnny Marr of The Smiths played guitar on it. I remember an interview with the Producer and him saying that is the only album he ever produced that he kept listening to just because he loved it so much. I love the sound of this album in that it had space and yet still have a real atmosphere to it. This song proves that you don’t have to be complicated to make a song sound great. His album Infected was also voted album of the decade somewhere.

'Silent All These Years' by Tori Amos - I get emotional just thinking about this song. Im not one to always get lyrics, they either grab me and I take something from them or I tend to think of them as just sound. Even this song I couldn’t tell you what it means exactly, its just a few lines and the music itself that get me. Her lyrics are never obvious and are like abstract paintings that mean very different things for each person. This is an album for women, THE album for women or girls becoming women. Specific words jump out at me as separate ideas rather than a jigsaw puzzle. Like a Ginsberg poem in that those words together just work. "I got the anti-christ in the kitchen yelling at me again". "Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape, "So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts". Actually there isnt a line that isnt beautiful in its own right. The section that makes me tear up is I guess the bridge in which it cresecends in sound and emotion. The lines are repeated in delay and then come back together again at the peak and then suddenly the song is quiet again. Wow, just inspired songwriting at its best. When I read it back now, I am reminded of another song on the album called Me And A Gun which is a very literal account of her being raped. I now realise that this song is also perhaps about that. When I think of it that way the line "boy you best pray that I bleed real soon" takes on a different meaning. I always took this line in the sarcastic sense. So I guess this is different to the other songs I have mentioned because it makes me think about women who have suffered more than anything related to my own life.

Love Dad

Breaking out of the comfort zone.

Can you see how this diary has changed? I guess it will be this way for a little while as I still find a routine and some energy to keep this going. I find that any down time I get I just want to veg out and watch Deep Space 9 episodes. My biggest surprise so far has been the way your Mum has stepped up and really become the patient one of the both of us. Still for me I tend to get a little impatient if I know that I will be up until late and have to get up to work the next day. But your Mum shows such fortitude and unwavering enthusiasm. She has all this energy and going from someone who cherished sleep it has been amazing to me that she gets up after a couple of hours sleep with no complaints. Not that she necessarily wakes up straight away.

On Saturday morning around 2am I heard you begin your sequence of waking up which leads to crying if you are not on your toes. I heard you first and as it was Mum who was getting up I said her name to gently wake her up.

"Sweets"
"Mmmm"
"Little ones rousing"
"nnnnnwha?"
"Little ones waking up"
"nnnn its ok"
"What?"
"Its ok I have her"
"What do you mean?"
"(getting agitated) I have her, im holding her"
"What are you talking about?"
"Im holding her now its ok"
"Honey what are you on about, she’s waking up"
"What? Oh, ok".

I have had these kinds of conversations with her before. She gets confused with dream and the waking world. She finally wakes up and goes to prepare the milk for you. Apparently she was dreaming at that very moment about holding you. I actually got up myself a few minutes later to just check that she hadn’t remained confused and fed the bottle to Pippy and put you on the girls bed next to Carnie.

You will be very proud to know that you still drink more, poo more and fart louder than all the other babies at Mothers Group. When we burp you it’s the cutest thing to watch. You stretch out your arms and your legs and make a big groaning sound. We call it the 'Superman'. On Sunday night you were very thirsty indeed and downed about 150mls or more of milk. I had you over my shoulder (you can see what’s coming cant you, I wish I could have) and with no warning at all you threw up the whole lot right down my front. I was soaked. You had this satisfied look on your face after that, then proceeded to demand more milk! Argggghhhhhhhhh.

Mum joined in with me singing Frère Jacques while we were changing you. Your little face went into this state of concentration as you were listening to us. You really seemed to enjoy it. I think it must emit some good vibrations. Perhaps your relative calmness can be attributed to our approach to parenting. We are both very calm people and they do say babies just mirror back what they are surrounded by. I love giving both of you a hug. I’m not sure I have properly explained to you yet but I sing to you almost all the time. A lot more than I just speak. Speaking is singing in some way and so I think making it more pronounced can only help you understand language quicker later.

Your Mum loves our bath time together. She was telling me that one of the other new Dads from her Mums group loves to have shower time with his little one. That would be so funny seeing your face as the water hit you. Apparently they just moved the nozzle down so it didn’t get in their eyes. Have I told you that you have discovered my chest hair and grab it with those strong little fingers and refuse to let go? Now that smarts.

I’m very proud of the way we your Mum and I work together. I think our relationship is deepening in some really special ways. We both have made some changes regarding how we handle times of frustration and how to handle each other when this happens. At Mums Group some of the women were saying they have never argued so much with their husbands. For us it is quite different. We keep an eye out for each other and also talk about our approach to looking after you so we can make sure everything is consistent. This means small stuff as well like burping and wrapping and how to wipe your bum. We are a well oiled machine at the moment. I think I am doing a good job of keeping your Mum mentally on track as she tackles what to do with breastfeeding. Sometimes you have to just say “this is how it’s going to happen”, rather than make it a discussion. It is tiring stuff for her and it important to keep her looking at the big picture and counting your wins as well as your losses.

Listening to the John Safran Podcast last night and there was a man who spent time in jail and has since turned his life around. He read a lot of books and worked out what successful people had in common and tried to apply it to his life. Three things stood out to me. Firstly they all were brutally honest with themselves, secondly they denied themselves certain things to learn how to break out of their comfort zones and lastly that they all jealously guard their reputation and integrity. This third point is what is affecting my life at the moment. The way your Mums father and cousin have accused me of being the cause of their issues really annoys me as it goes against the very essence of what I am about. I must learn to ignore these sorts of people who really know nothing about me and not let it get to me. I guess I do think that everyone should like me and get shocked when someone doesn’t. Watch that ego boy.

The title 'Waking World' is a great title for a story. I should try it out.

Snooty elitist French speakers

I’m working from home today so it is much busier than if I was just at work. Your Mum is taking a bath as I type this. She loves her bath.

You had one of those days where the 3-4 hours feeding ritual went out the window and you were hard to settle. In the afternoon it was like a 4 hour feeding session in which you had a bit, pood twice, put you to bed, you woke up, fed more etc etc. Despite all that you never really got too upset.

When I walk you around and hum melodies to you it doesn’t take long to settle you. I tend to sing the Frera Jaqua song:

Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques
Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous?
Sonnez les matinées, sonnez les matinées
Ding dang dong, ding dang dong

Your Aunty thinks I say it wrong. What would she know.

Whistle while you walk and knit

Jan came over with her boy yesterday for a walk. I was at home so we all went down to the local park and walked alongside the creek there. Your Mum is doing amazing for this far along going for these longer walks up and down hills. Before we went Jan thrust her boy Jo at me and went off talking girl talk. I put him on the couch and he was happily playing with the stiching and rolling back and forth. I started to sing little melodies to him and caught his attention. He then started to laugh every time I repeated a phrase. Its wonderful when you can get the attention of a baby and keep it for a while. I hope this works with you as well. Tough if you don’t because I just cant help doing it.

We got some lovely knitted clothes from your Great Grandpas sister a few days ago and she found a picture of my Mums christening. Its such a lovely shot and anything new I have not seen of Mum is priceless. So it gave me a good idea to put others pictures up on the wall as well. Us, Sadie, your grandparents etc.

Here's a great line from Allen Ginsberg - 'If we don't show anyone - we're free to write anything'.

02nd November 2007

I asked your Mum to make a contribution to the diary and this is what I got - "My boobs have got bigger. I am aware of you the entire day now. I get cramps in my calves". Well I did spring it on her I guess. Plus it is all very true. It is actually quite hard to think of anything to write regarding how she is going. She is just doing really well and about the only thing that is different is that she cant lift things. She has been for checkups and you are head down at the moment which is fantastic news. We went to a class last night which gave me some good information on what I can do to help during the labour. We need to start thinking about making up a bag with everything we want. I am collating music to play which will mainly be classical. We just have to think of things that will make her more comfortable. Last night in bed I was humming to you. I realised that rather than repeating the same song I should just humm melodies to you now because that is what I will be doing later. I do it for myself all the time. I did it with Sadie too.