Class reunion - who looks like a bee bit their face.

We went out last night and saw some of your Mums old school friends for the first time in many years. It was strange seeing these faces all matured, some better preserved than others. Edie still looks younger than all of them. Whether its that olive skin that gives the illusion or something else im not sure, she is damn thin which seems to make you look younger, i wouldn't know about that. We went back to the local mall which is where your Mum hung out all the time as a kid and teenager. Even I spent a lot of time there when I was living at my grandparents. It is highly likely that we passed each other on a number of occasions, went to the same movies, ate at the same restaurants, shopped at the same stores. I would love to be able to transport back and see how often we crossed paths. Our subconscious would know as it picks up everything. I wonder if it can be done by hypnosis. I find this idea fascinating, that we would pass as strangers and then one day spend our lives together.

Pips got bitten by a bee on Friday night and we had to rush her off to the animal hospital at 11:30 at night. She puffed up and her heartbeat was very rapid. It seems to happen a lot with these two; six times we have had an emergency of things outside our control. It took her all weekend to recover. She had a nasty scab on her leg where she was bitten. Earlier that night we were at my Auntie Trixie's house for the last get together before my other Auntie and cousins flew off to London. Lilith was fascinated with you; she kept feeling Mums stomach and her eyes would go wide.

Took some great photos of Mum out in the garden holding flowers in a black dress. I cant wait to take pictures of the both of you out there. I think my love of photography is coming back again with a vengeance now i have good subject matter. I have always wanted to take pictures of people rather than places. Bigger challenge.

Girls and drugs - an average day at school

I feel like I have lived for hundreds of years. Life has not gone quickly for me at all. I think the last few years have appeared to have gone more quickly and that is likely because things have stayed fairly consistent. Before that life was all over the place. I moved a lot, was studying, and working different jobs, all kinds of dramas. There are phases of my life in which I don’t seem to have retained many memories. I can hardly recall primary school in any detail. A few images flash up if I try hard. Being given the nick name Kunky, showing a Playboy I had to some boys, being teased by one of my teachers, wearing a lot of tracksuit pants, being sent to the principles office quite a bit, singing God Save the Queen (not the national anthom) at assembly, whistling for the first time in the library by accident, Mum walking me up to the gates on my first day at my new school, cloths-lining some poor kid during a football match by mistake, going behind the shelter sheds to see a girl flash, fighting a butch girl and taking longer than most to be given a pen instead of a pencil because of my left handedness. It may seem a lot but there is nothing in much detail. I was the joker in class, whether that was out of boredom or a need for attention im not sure, a bit of both probably. I was always trying to make the class laugh, not by any physical comedy, just with words usually. Admittedly farting was always a winner right through high school as well, everybody did it because the plastic seats made a great amplifier. It was also common in these seats to lean back on them so your knees were under the desktop keeping you up. It was always a scream when the back legs lost traction and the person would go flying backwards landing on the floor. During most classes in high school it was a great laugh to grab someone’s pencil case and throw it out the window. This kid Gonzo (because he looked like the Muppet of the same name) took offence one day when I did this. I ended up going to get it for him seeing he didn’t appreciate the humour. You had to watch yourself in high school as a boy. The threat of being beaten up is always there. My first day of high school a group of Year 9 kids started threatening me with the royal flush (head in the toilet) when the next door neighbour of close family friends showed up and said I was cool. I never got bothered much after that. I remember the teachers at high school were complete freaks. Mrs Eldritch had this secret smile across her face and she stunk of excessive perfume that would make you gag. My Taylor had a wig which looked like a stack hat and all the hair started from middle. He propositioned my friend Reed outside of school and talked to him about how he masturbates He was a complete perv but funnily enough one of the best teachers there. He was an intelligent man with some interesting and sad quirks. The maths teacher used to be the phys-ed teacher before he got caught peeping in the boys change rooms. Can you believe that? He wasn’t even fired. Ryan almost had a fling with the councillor; she got a crush on him because he was going through so much with his spina bifida. Its like nurses falling in love with patients, they get the job and their feelings all mixed up.

I had some major crushes during my entire schooling career. I was interested in girls from a very young age. I must have been in Grade 1 or 2 when I woke up and went into the living room where Mum and Dad were watching a movie. I lay there with them for a while and there was a scene with a stripper. I can still remember being fascinated by it. Ok not the sort of stuff you want to read im sure, but it is weird how early on my sexuality asserted itself. It also gives you some indication as to just how tortuous it was to not get my first real kiss until I was seventeen. Girls would like me fine, just not in that way. But I was obsessed with girls and it seemed so cruel and unfair that I would be so unattractive to them. Mum even asked me if I was gay at one stage because I didn’t have a girlfriend. I said to her "Mum, I like girls, they just don’t like me". What made matters worse was that my mates did great with the girls. The only one worse off than me was my old mate Nobby, he was short, thin, awkward and had a big nose and no personality. I liked him though, we were fairly good friends. I liked kids that didn’t talk much and were not too overactive. I still don’t like people who get over excited. Nobby and I used to hang out a bit. He came to stay up at my Dads place in the mountains with me and I used to go with his family to the beach. It turned out that his father was gay and living a lie. That whole family were a little strange. The father ended up leaving his wife and shacking up with some guy just a few streets away.

Nobby got in to drugs with Reed and we drifted apart. He got really bad, screwed his life up. We were all smoking dope a bit during the latter half of high school. My mates were smoking for a year or so before I felt I was able to cope with it. I never got pressured into doing something I didn’t want to do. Your Mother is exactly the same. So I took my time, made sure it was something I wanted to try. In the end I had a smoke and quickly jumped on my bike and rode home to write poetry. I wanted to see if I wrote differently, like Jim Morrison. I still have the poem. The other guys ended up going to the next stage and tried speed. After that it is easy to just keep trying stuff out because you have removed the limitations that keep you in check. Silly guys started trying heroin and that was that. By this stage I was at my new school so I didn’t see how it all came about. Ryan had gone up to Queensland and was living in an Ashram leading a very pure lifestyle. I didn’t keep in touch with the other guys as we had all gone different directions and moved from the area. I have never tried anything stronger than dope myself. Dope is a plant while other drugs are created in a plant. I just don’t want to mess with anything that dodgy. Alcohol is worse than dope, as is smoking cigarettes. It’s when you have anything in excess that problems occur. Even dope you have to be damn careful with. On two occasions it was laced with something very psychedelic. Interesting experiences but not ones I care to repeat. You have to consider this when drugs are offered to you. Are you an addictive personality? This makes all the difference because if you are then the drug will quite easily break down those walls of common sense and logic that we all have. When this happens God help you, because you simply won’t have the ability to make rational decisions. It’s like someone has opened up your skill and cut out that rational part of the brain. Your Mother has an addictive personality and her years of smoking show this. I however am not. I was never in danger of taking it to the next step. I can be extremely dogged when it comes to maintaining my values. As a teenager I decided I would never use harsh swear words and to this day I still have never used the F word or anything worse than that. Shit is my limit. I am mightily proud of this accomplishment…………………… dash nab it.

Breastfeeding in all weather, a conversation starter

Its raining today, and because my moods are entirely based around weather patterns I am now feeling great. It seems my increasing good mood is directly disproportionate to the decreasing temperature. I have spent the past few days filling in gaps in the brickwork downstairs and applying paint. It is something I quite enjoy, listening to Podcasts and doing repetitive tasks. It frees the brain up to think and learn new things. I feel like im on a race for time here, your Mum expressed a tiny bit of colostrum which is another visual sign of your arrival. One thing I have been remiss in is reading my book about the babies first year, I need to get a crack on there and stop reading books about Zombies.

Dylan Thomas once stopped in his tracks while walking and talking with a friend and said "Somebody's boring me - I think it's me." I totally associate with this statement. In fact I said virtually the same thing to your Mum a week ago. I sometimes hear myself talking and I come over with the most intense feeling of boredom and just wish that I would shut up. I excerpt far too much emphasis in how I believe people perceive me. I so desperately wish people to think I am the most fascinating chap they have had the pleasure of associating with that I forget to associate with them. Your Mum has offered a few examples in which I have also made it plainly obvious that I find other persons conversations tiresome by getting up from the couch and wandering off. Sometimes I wish I could do that to myself. The art of conversation is disappearing as far as im concerned. Read sections of David Copperfield or Pride and Prejudice and you will notice the art and skills required to truly converse with flair. My friend Ryan's family were always great conversationalists. We would sit around discussing topics ranging from astral projection to the art of the fart. His father Thom was a brilliant orator, his quick Irish wit and piercing intellect made for some fascinating and passionate arguments. It inspires me now to do the same with you. I can imagine sitting around the table eating tea and discussing various topics. Each night we could bring to the table a topic for conversation and really spend some time on it. What a great way to improve your debating skills and it can only aid you in the future when dealing with difficult and dominant characters. Ryan and I still converse with depth every time we get together. I can’t recall if I had posted about our recent dinner in which we discussed spanking. It went on for about half an hour and everyone got involved. It makes you think, makes you have an opinion and makes you back it up. My conversational skills have been lost to some degree because I really don’t have anyone whom I talk to on a regular occasion that wants to go in-depth on any subject except for Matt with our Podcast. I like to have my opinions challenged because that’s how I can see just how robust my opinions really are. Over the last few years I have had to reassess my opinions on all manner of things and thankfully my ego is resilient enough to cope with it. I think I also have to be more attentive to people and actually ask them how they are, what they have been up to etc because I really never do this. I would much rather discuss their feelings on mulesing or their top five books.

This is later on. I don’t think I should doubt my ability to get my point across. I have lots of interesting things to say, im just not sure the people I am talking to either care or understand. This is not ego, it’s just that not many people care about the art of discussing various subjects with aplomb. I have always enjoyed my conversations with Ryan and Jan the most of all my friends. We would make great Gatsby’s.

Bought The Rough Guide to Cult Fiction.
Learnt about author Kobo Abe.
Listening to a great Podcast called The Music Show from 17/11/07 on musical therapy for the disabled. Also listening to Robert Wyatt’s Comicoopera. My favourite music to listen to right now is Verdi’s Requim.

Whistle while you walk and knit

Jan came over with her boy yesterday for a walk. I was at home so we all went down to the local park and walked alongside the creek there. Your Mum is doing amazing for this far along going for these longer walks up and down hills. Before we went Jan thrust her boy Jo at me and went off talking girl talk. I put him on the couch and he was happily playing with the stiching and rolling back and forth. I started to sing little melodies to him and caught his attention. He then started to laugh every time I repeated a phrase. Its wonderful when you can get the attention of a baby and keep it for a while. I hope this works with you as well. Tough if you don’t because I just cant help doing it.

We got some lovely knitted clothes from your Great Grandpas sister a few days ago and she found a picture of my Mums christening. Its such a lovely shot and anything new I have not seen of Mum is priceless. So it gave me a good idea to put others pictures up on the wall as well. Us, Sadie, your grandparents etc.

Here's a great line from Allen Ginsberg - 'If we don't show anyone - we're free to write anything'.

29th October 2007

We had Ryan, Chas and Matt over on Saturday night and we got into a discussion about spanking. Well it proved to be a lively and very interesting one. Your Mum and I had not discussed this as yet which is understandable; it’s a bit early on for that. However Ryan was speaking very passionately against the action. I started to write what he said then thought hang on, I work for a telecommunications company, have you not heard of a phone? So I called him and heres what he thinks - He believes this has played a contributing part in humanities violent tendencies.

He said there is a big difference between discipline and violence and as a parent you need to think about that. You can’t change the world but you can choose not to be a party to forms of violence. His reasoning is that you can’t bend someone to their will by hitting them. In fact it is usually the case that parents hit kids for themselves out of frustration. He sees hurting a child as the ultimate betrayal. He believes that the lesson learnt is "If you don’t do what I say then im going to make you". This is the belief that kids then bring into their adult life and the world out there isn’t always going to agree with you. Many people will say that kids are worse than they were in the past. As Ryan says, the old ways that people wish were back were even worse, ruled by fear behind closed doors. Men would beat their wives and their children like it was a God given right. He said about his girl: "If she can’t rely on me not to cause her pain then who can she?" Well my philosophy on this is basically no different. I truly hope that I was able to maintain that standard with you and not become weak minded and resort to this nonsense. My response is that I do not allow hitting you to be a choice, therefore im just going to have to be smarter and think of better ways of managing you when you are screaming and belligerent!

23rd October 2007

I have come across an old Blog post of mine that I have not read since we found out you were coming. Now you know it took us a while of trying and it was not an easy time. But I always had this in my mind, have a read and see what you think of it -:

There has been some history of contact with my mother since she passed away. Not for a while and it has mostly been getting together in dreams and having long conversations. One time she was pregnant, the next time there was a woman in the same room as her and she got up and walked past without looking once at me. I got this understanding then that this was her but a different person, not one im likely to meet.
My feeling is that we can be inexorably led to things when we invest our thought processes on that subject. I came across this site http://www.worlditc.org/ about contacting people after they die via radio, TV etc. Fascinating experiments and one that cannot be dismissed so easily. Anyway, while working i had my headphones on as usual but nothing actually playing. Suddenly i became aware of the background noise because of a few spikes in the sound. Now i am not trying to tell you that i was being contacted or anything like that. It just brought me back to thinking about the subject. I got up and went to heat up my lunch. Whilst standing there I started to think about Mum and was experiencing some of the physical sensations i got after she died in hospital. Im a take things as they come kind of guy, i also keep a balanced head whilst not taking anything as a given. I said hello to her and i then asked her to help me with a particular issue i wont bring up here. I suddenly got this nearly overwhelming sense of hapiness and started to smile and laugh. Nothing in my rational brain could determine why i was laughing, i had no particular thought to trigger it. I shook my head and told her "Ok, ill take that" and got my food and started writing this. I cant shake the feeling that this was all kind of too easy and too coincidental. The most interesting part of all this is the physical aspect. I have not had this feeling in my heart and gut area since the night she died. I wont try to intellectualise this incident. As i told Mum, ill just take it as it is and move on. I had a sense that the answer to my question was yes, so i guess its just a matter or waiting and seeing.

Well here we are now and im sure you have worked out what the question was. So thanks Mum, you rock.

Thinking about big moments also made me think about how people focus on the grand statements instead of the everyday. My Dad is like that, he thinks that as long as he makes the required gestures such as calling on birthdays and coming over enough so he can say he does visit that this is enough. This is not enough, not by a long shot. The same applies to my aunties with Sadie. They occasionally invite her over or take her out to dinner and this is supposed to be enough? Time is the true measure of love and support. If you are not available for a person, if you are not seeing them as often as is possible and taking an active interest in their life, then the birthday card means nothing, the occasional visit will be pleasant but devoid of anything meaningful and deep between you. I am a little hard line about this and I don’t exclude myself. I have been a little brutal at times in culling friendships that don’t measure up to these standards, either because I don’t put in the effort or the other person doesn’t. You have to be a little careful with this because sometimes your lives just aren’t in sync at particular phases of your life. Jan is a perfect case. Its been 10 years or more since I have properly hung out with her but now that we are both in the family way, we have things in common. Before that I found that even when we socialised she was always distracted and looking for someone more interesting to talk to. This annoyed me because I consider myself to be an interesting conversationalist but I do require people to put in a little effort themselves and to keep their wits about them. I also don’t like small talk which is probably why I make certain people uncomfortable. So I have often been accused of being distracted. I think Jan was probably doing the same, it makes me think that I need to give people a little more time, some more small talk until they are comfortable. Then again some people never move past small talk. Boring.

Johanna Beach and the little'uns

Ryan just called and told me he is going to have another baby in March. That’s his second but the family has more kids from past husband. Having many children definitely worked pre-industrialisation because working on farms meant that you have to use family to work it. But now, it must be harder? You simply cant invest enough time with each child so the less demanding ones may get less love and attention. At least there is love and good intentions. He said to your Mum that I appeared to not want you to be associating with his kids, it was such a strange comment to make given he never calls or visits us. He actually drives past our house on the way to see his sister. I am a realist I guess, I just cant see us seeing them that much until they move down to Melbourne. I dislike pretending outcomes that are not likely. I wish it were different and they were down here.

I have also been remiss in mentioning that around about now we would be heading off overseas on a 3 week trip to Europe. What is funny is that I completely forgot about it. I have been waiting for a long time to go back to the UK but as soon as we knew you were coming I couldn’t care less. I would hope that we have all gone over by the time you read this.

We have just come back from our last trip away before your arrival. It was just wonderful. Johanna beach with a view more stunning than your Dads gorgeous face. The dogs love the beach, wind in their hair and the feel of sand under their feet. Dogs love different textures. Your mum has been sick the last few days which has not been nice, its been a beautiful place to recover though, I hope we have had the chance to take you here. I have been taking the girls up into the dunes exploring which has been funny. There are wallabies up here and we saw one on our first explore then we heard one crashing through the brush when we got too close. The view is just wonderful and the wind is a little scary at night (I went and got the girls to sleep in the bed with me because your mum was in the other room because of her coughing and nose blowing, what a nice wife I have).

I had my ear against her tummy one day and I could hear all these weird sounds. It was like going underwater in the bath and blowing little bubbles. It was the strangest sounds. I then started singing How much is that doggy in the window and I could even hear when you were moving about.