18th September 2007

Ok so I have yet to mention my work at all, that should tell you something. It is not my passion in any way. I went the IT route simply because I knew it paid well, which it does. When I was looking at doing a course I was thinking what is the complete opposite of what im all about? I got a kick out of that, felt like the Dice Man. When I left high school I went to music College and left before the end of year exams as you will know. I then went back to my High School to talk to the careers guide who helped me determine some direction. They were very helpful, never be afraid to utilise free information. It worked out that I would suit working in disabilities. So I started volunteering places and slowly started to get casual work. I have worked with the elderly, the severely disabled - physical and intellectual, autistic, you name it. I worked in day centres, peoples homes, I looked after all the kids and at other times did cleaning work. I didn't mind the work but I was getting paid slave wages and working my bum off. The worst place I worked was at a quadriplegic centre. I would start at 6am and help bathe and clothe the men living there. It was disgraceful conditions for them. It was essentially a hospital, looked like a hospital except they lived there. They had no life and little reason to live. Some of them were unforgiving with me and I was still very young and unsure of myself and what I had to do. Training consisted of one mornings walk through. I still remember the smells very clearly. Their faeces (don't get queasy on me!) and body odour reeked of chemicals from all the medication they took. I was advised to keep vics vapour and put it under my nose which helped a bit. I think I lasted about 3 or 4 mornings and never went back. I would leave there a nervous wreck and with horrific migraines, it was effecting my health terribly. These days it would not be a problem for me but back then, well I guess I learnt what real suffering is. I learnt not to complain about my life. See what I mean about parents not allowing their kids to experience anything negative. My biggest learning has come from these situations which while unpleasant at the time, have enriched my life and understanding of joy and suffering. I want you volunteering at day centres or elderly homes, I want you to understand all walks of life and ways people live. I want you to be always seeking to understand things you are ignorant of. Prejudice and hate is bred from ignorance. You cannot be wise and hate filled at the same time……...your choice sweety. So my work life has had two extremes so far. On top of this I have done a little bit of gardening as well. But so far it was 10 years or so in disabilities and about 6 years in IT type work. My first job was in a call centre as a contractor in which I did well. I soon got off the phones and was what they call 2IC - second in charge of our team. I took complaints and did other admin type work as my team leader was never there. I wanted to get permanancy with them though so I applied for a business sales job and got it. There was a month of training and then I started having to meet my targets by calling up businesses and trying to sell them stuff. This lasted a month and I did not enjoy myself, the people working there were bottom of the barrel wankers. The boss was about to move elsewhere so I took the opportunity to talk to her and say that my old boss at the call centre was looking to get me back again. It was still within the three month trial period but she was leaving so had no problem letting me transfer back. That was great news for me as I liked the atmosphere and it was much less pressure. I soon got asked to help out with testing some big changes to the systems and spent a couple of weeks in the city. This led to me finding out about the testing job which I applied for and got. I can also tell you that up to this point I have got every job I have applied for except McDonalds when I was 19! My job now is very cruisy. There is lots of down time which is why I can do this diary. Its such a strange job, you get paid well and the work is simple for me. I still couldn't tell you what my ideal job would actually be. Frankly I don't want to work. I would rather do what I want when I want. Paint a bit, play in a band, write novels, spend time outside. I can imagine working in a book store or a record store. I can imagine if my life were different I would like to go help communities in some part of the world, maybe look after children who have escaped the horrors of war etc. Later on I think we would both like to care for animals that have been dumped or mistreated. So by now you should be getting the hint that im not a career person. I have had opportunities here to move on but im just not interested. My aim at the moment is to leave my job and not think about it at all once I walk out. Defining yourself by your job is perhaps dangerous for some. There are no guarantees in life and to base your happiness on a job leaves you open to feeling deep failure. On the other hand maybe it feeds some people to excel. None of us can be certain of what is right and wrong for others. You included. That's entirely your journey.

I also just realised that I have not spoken too much about your Gran, my Mother. I will have told you all about her plenty of times I know, so its perhaps redundant for me to go into too much detail. We often hear tell about how someone who has passed away is still here in our hearts. But I used to wonder if that was just romanticising death. All I can tell you is that it feels like we merged at some stage before her death and I have still felt no separation from her. In essence, if you have me, you will also be getting her. And where I cannot provide my sister will do the rest. For a while there however it hurt my heart to think of her not being around to love and care for my child. It really hurt. Same with your Mother and I having a wedding. Every time I thought of it I would be sad that my Mum would not be there smiling in the front row. I didn't want these things to be about her not being here. Do you understand the distinction? She is with me in the deepest of senses however the sheer lack of physicality in these momentous times in my life were still difficult. I guess time heals or numbs these things im not sure. Now I can just think of you coming into the world as opposed to you coming into a world without her. It’s never going to be what I want. I think about just how much love you would have got from her and its sad that you won’t experience that. She would have been obsessed with you. It’s not fair and it upsets me writing it, but there are no guarantees and no assurances of anything. Time flows with a callous, emotionless relentlessness and we are swept along with it. Maybe I should call you Kelp.