05th September 2007

Its official, you have my feet. The 24 week scan was the best yet. We saw your profile and your hands and feet really clearly. The lady said you were a real beautiful little girl but I was thinking oh c'mon, I bet you say that to every mother, particularly in Brighton. But we can't tell what you really look like yet. Do you have the Baker nose and cheekbones or the Keith blue eyes and thin nose? All we know is that you have my feet, because your second toe is longer than the big. Our second toes are committing mutiny on the big ones. "Big Toe, I am officially relieving you of duty Sir. Sub commander little toe, please escort Big Toe to the brig. Left foot, I want you to precede in a forward direction, right foot, please follow at a two second interval".

Here is another weird thing I have - 'Rarely, the uvula is completely split from top to bottom, and hangs as two parts'. So I will be on the lookout for that. I doubt you will have this however. It looks like I was damn lucky I didn't have a cleft palate from reading cases. Have a look at my nostrils some time too. They are a different shape. As a child I was constantly walking in to things and have cracked my head open a number of times. I trimmed my hair to a number 1 once and I saw all the scars. I hope you don't start walking as young as I did. I was about 6 months or something. Is this an early warning sign about how I was to tackle things later in life? I know I pick things up pretty quickly, but don't have the temperament or inclination to master any of them. This is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact nothing is as long as you are at peace with it. I was told from an early age that I should finish what I started. It is a good general rule that parents often use. I just don't think everyone has the make up to stick to one thing, one passion. I imagine it would be easier to be that way however like all things it can lead to problems like obsessiveness and single minded stubbornness. Whatever you are, there is both good and bad to be observed, you just need to be happy with you no matter what. Do you want to be a great person? Would you like fame or recognition? When you answer these questions you then need to ask yourself why you answered that way. Was it because of expectations of others, yourself? Is it the attention you seek? The need for assurance or is it to push yourself beyond your limits? Maybe you are just a born leader. Or equally you may crave solitude and silence. We are all compelled towards an ideal that we wish for ourselves. So figure out what that end is and just go for it.

My greatest achievement has been my relationship with your mother. It has been an 'against all odds' journey. Look at my family, all three daughters of my grandparents have had numerous failed relationships and they have been my biggest influences purely because they have always been around the most. I do wonder at that, I wonder if there has been something to cause this early on in their lives. I almost fear to know. I know so many people who have experienced forms of abuse that it is not a stretch to believe this is the case. But like I have already said, you cannot keep blaming your past for your present condition, because you can always change those triggers to meet your needs. There are two people who have suffered the same abuse. One will never recover from it and rather than being where they are now, instead they remain that person they were when the abuse occurred. The other will choose to think differently about what the abuse means to them. They feel so sorry for the child they were, but refuse to remain in that space. Instead they embrace the child and tell them everything worked out ok in the end. I'm happy and I am strong. You never have to feel that way again. Watch out for these signs in your friends and help them to understand that life is about growing and casting off the traits and fears you once carried. If it is happening to them still, help them get out of the situation. Use the authorities always and don't allow them to remain in that situation. If after all that they just will not learn, then forget them. It sounds cruel but it is not your job to play teacher, parent and messiah to someone who will never help themselves.

So what are the trials you are experiencing in your life? What are your strengths and weaknesses and are you ok with them? What sort of life do you want for yourself and what will you be doing to make it happen?

Quote of the week - "Art should not reflect culture; art should subvert culture", Bob Dylan.