04th October 2007

Your Mum went to the doctor and he reckons you are going to be a big baby. Her glucose tolerance test was just over by .1 which means that her sugars are elevated. She needs to be careful now about diet. She does not want gestational diabetes. I was a small baby and your Mum was big. She just hopes that you are not too big for obvious reasons.

I am of the old and young, of the foolish as much as the wise,
Regardless of others , ever regardful of others,
Maternal as well as paternal, a child as well as a man,
Stuffed with the stuff that is coarse, and stuffed with the stuff that is fine.

This is part of Walt Whitman’s - Leaves Of Grass. He is talking about America here however I also think it can be interpreted as describing man. I associate with these words very much. We can’t be all good or all bad. Our actions and convictions are as changeable as the weather. We can be contradicting things all at the same time. Why can’t I be maternal AND paternal at the same time? There is the child in us all as well. We are sophisticated in the things that matter, that mean, and we are ignorant of the things we choose to ignore or are indifferent to. Something I believe in is that we should define our wisdom by how often we address these things we don't like or don't find easy. So in this spirit I decided that I should tackle more poetry. I know I have written it from time to time and it helped me get through some down times. But poetry, like music and writing, has been my chosen means of therapy. I have never been that interested in other poetry. So its time I got into the heads of others and see what I find. I thought I may as well take you with me on the journey. It won’t be taking over the diary, I will just be more mindful of pushing myself to read more of it and showing you the good bits. You may get nothing at all from this, who knows. To quote Whitman again - 'if they are not yours as much as mine they are nothing or next to nothing'. We shall see. He also says 'Have you practiced so long to learn to read? Have you felt so proud to get at the meaning of poems?', and 'You shall not look through my eyes either, nor take things from me, you shall listen to all sides and filter them from yourself'. I am mindful that by doing this I am not exactly giving you a glimpse of where I am at right now. But in some ways it shows you exactly what I am like. I never wish to rest on my laurels, to look at myself and say "ok, this is me, im done, deal with it". I hope you never say something like this about yourself. You are going to hear people say things like "im the type of person…" and "don't try to change me" and "I cant change". Some, and these ones are even worse, will not even consider change as being a required or useful part of their lives. These will be the same people who indulge in shallow pursuits, who define themselves by their work and by what they don't do. For example, the husband of someone here at work will not watch any movies that are not action and won’t read a book. And yet he portrays himself as an intelligent sophisticated and serious man. I really do think that we westerners are given far too many freedoms of thinking sometimes. That people can claim that this or that is just their opinion and they are entitled to it, even when it is clearly wrong, drives me to the point of insanity. Personally I burn for knowledge, yet I am still incredible ignorant of all manner of subjects. I think I believe in reincarnation mostly because I can placate myself that I have plenty of lifetimes to get through all the experiences I want. But for this lifetime I will be satisfied if I can get through all the major classic novels and keep finding great new music. Not to mention the main purpose of my life which is to do everything in my power to bring you up safe and sound.