30th August 2007

Things are really, really boring at work at the moment. I have little to no motivation to do anything but stare blankly at youtube videos all day. I can't get my brain to activate and start thinking of things to talk about. Ok, snap out of it, think man think.

Ok I guess I can mention that Sadie came over last night and we had an interesting chat. She had been up to Queensland for a birthday and took the opportunity to see Jim who is one of her Dads sons hence her brother as well. He had not seen her for four years. Quite a shock for him now she is 18. Over the last couple of years she has been getting more and more information about what sort of man her father was. I have been very careful in what I tell her. I am mindful of what she could and could not cope with. You need to be gradual when you start to change another person's perception about people close to them. You need to be sure they can differentiate their relationship with this loved one and another's relationship with them before you start using them as an outlet for your own pain. I have already mentioned to you that my Grandma Keith was not particularly nice to your Grandma and lots of other people. I however loved her to bits. I think it is important to understand that you can have a close bond with someone even if they have not handled their relationship with others nearly as well. Your main focus should be how you comport yourself and how you can bring the best out of that person. Sadie has learnt this lesson as well as I have. Jim decided for his own questionable reasons to tell Sadie what a shit her father was to him, his mother and his brothers and he did not once consider the consequences of his words on Sadie. Luckily for him she is a mature girl and took it in her stride. Because the things he said were very damning. I may have mentioned once or twice that my teenage years were not the best, but they certainly weren’t as bad as others have it. I have learnt some valuable positive lessons from that time and have come through it surprisingly free of neuroses! Up until last night I was very vague about that time to Sadie, however given what she was told it would have been unwise for me to keep hiding the facts from her. She actually asked me in the end whether I was hit to which you’re Mother actually answered yes before I could even respond, the naughty lady. But I do trust her sense of timing in these matters completely. She asked if her Mum was hit as well. It's a hard thing to hear but despite Jims outpouring I don't think she was really surprised. The lesson she will learn from this is that we can all use bad experiences in our past as an excuse or as a weight that keeps us down. It is the easiest thing in the world to blame someone else for your unhappiness and the bravest thing in the world to take responsibility for your own pain. Keeping anger in your heart is a choice you make, not inevitability. I chose to take these experiences and learn from them. I also chose not to hate him. I maintained a polite relationship with him because I wanted Sadie to have a happy upbringing. I could have just as easily refused to speak to the man and told everyone including Sadie what an arsehole he is, but to what end? That is the height of selfishness and self indulgence. You will have to make these calls each day, each experience you have there is an option of how you will react. One is smart, positive and centred while the other is hate filled, negative and self destructive. People usually find a grey area between the two. I don't want to hide you from life as you grow up; so many parents seem to be doing this now. This latest generation of young adults expect everything and do not have the coping mechanisms when things go wrong for them. I want to teach you some important life tools which schools do not cover. In fact I am hoping to get special guests to your school to help all the kids with life skills.

Mum has had a few little bleeds during the pregnancy. We have been to Emergency once and the doctors a few times to get everything checked out. It taints the experience a bit I can tell you. She had another little bleed night before last. It was hardly anything this time. She thinks its probably you and you're kicking doing it. You are sitting so low down that I don't doubt that by 9 months your Mum will see a little foot coming out her woo woo and kicking the air. I am speaking to you and singing to you quite a bit now. I wonder what you think when I do this and if you recognise me each time now. Nearly six months.

Reading Fear Nothing by Dean Koontz. Listening to Best of Peter Tosh and his endless musings on dope. I will talk about MY drug intake some other time.