16th August 2007

I just spoke to Sadie. She has broken up with her boyfriend Das. She is going to be a great one to chat to. I just realised that I was around her age when she was born. Now she will have the same experience with you that I had with her. Sadie and I have so many similarities it’s really quite bizarre. I can only imagine that you have had a very different upbringing to me. For one thing I can’t imagine being divorced. I can’t imagine putting my own needs above yours like my parents often did. I want to give you my time, as much of it as possible.

My passions must be obvious. I love to write music, listen to music, read, write. I love going to galleries and I love to paint. Wow that has never occurred to me before. I am obviously not much of an observer am I. Everything I love I want to try myself. Mind you I don't want to make movies however I don't mind a bit of acting. I may not have this any more but I did a short short film for Ryan called Trans Blues. When Ryan played it to the class they all thought I was a professional actor as they were asking how he got me involved. I got a kick out of that, I did the Year 12 play (Called Gulls by an Aussie playwright) and got the lead role but I don't think I was very good. So in Trans Blues I will set the scene - I arrive home from work, hair neatly combed and Harry Potter glasses. I slump on the couch with a scowl and turn on the telly. Cuts to me in the kitchen making a cup of tea, still annoyed and tiching. Cut to me eating dinner and reading. Suddenly my eyes fall upon a rouge brush. I pick it up and look at it with a longing sigh. I look at the time, look at the brush. I come to a decision and get up from the table. Cut to me entering the bathroom and closing the door. There is music playing and then when it hits its peak I fling open the door dressed in drag wearing a tight red dress and singing along with the song. I walk to the camera. Cut to a hallway and I am dancing down it then at an open door a do a sexy but drop and lift before walking into the room. Cut to close up of me swigging from a champagne bottle, some of it spills and I explain in a lispy voice "oooh bubbles". Cut to me dancing with the with the bottle and I slip over. Cut to me at computer very drunk (Loretta Lynn playing) I'm looking around Internet. I look a little closer at something. Cut to link saying something like 'sad old cross dresser embarrasses self on live webcam'. Back to me, I click on the link and suddenly see myself sitting there looking at the computer. I shout out "Oh SHIT". I then start looking off to the left to see where the hidden camera is, slowly I walk towards it and my finger closes over it. Cut to me against the wall screaming (overacting) and crying "why why why", I slide down the wall crying some more. END. I have to tell you it was extremely fun to do, we were all in tears. I have never been afraid of looking like a fool. It is a little embarrassing but when we were younger we had this fake newsletter Ryan and I used to write and send to Jan called the Non Conformist Society. I may still have some of it somewhere. It was all a bit silly however it did help me get over my depressing time very well. I recall once in the city with a group of us and we decided to dance around all the cars in Swanston Street. It was actually a pivotal moment in my life because I just let go and allowed myself to just look totally stupid and I did not care what anybody thought. It changed me in a very significant way. I stopped being so concerned with what others thought, not completely, but close.

So have I said this yet? Yes my first major crush was with Jan. I wrote poems and everything. We met when we were about 15 when my Mum drove up to Ararat for the weekend at a business colleague’s house. Their daughter actually went to a Melbourne school so we were to pick her up and bring her home. It was in a van so I was sitting in the back, I had my Pink Floyd t-shirt on and she came in and said "ooh I love Pink Floyd". Well that was enough, I was smitten! So yes I really liked her but I was too shy to tell her and secondly there was no hint she felt that way about me. I was a pimply awkward looking kid and she was already dating boys. So nothing ever happened at all. If I had not met your Mum who knows, although I can tell you now it would not have lasted, as a couple we would have really butted heads. I stopped feeling anything like that early on.

Well I guess I should get it over with - my first kiss. Well you know enough to realise I was a late bloomer, I loved girls but they didn't love me. So I was 17 and a half by this stage and on the verge of a nervous breakdown, going to discos and watching all my mates get on with girl after girl while I leaned against pillars. It was an excruciating time of my life. It was new years and I was up at Dads in the country. He had just given me the coolest Suede jacket, very 60's. We went down to his mates restaurant and had a BBQ outside. There wasn't that many there and nobody close to my age but one of the waitresses called Bell, and she was…………….. wait for it………………………

23!!! Well I guess she didn't know when to stop drinking because there I was not far from the group, I was standing on a small bridge that lead off through some trees to the Yarra. She comes up to me and starts chatting to me, getting really close. Then she asks if I wanted to go for a walk. I say yes and we walk off through the trees near to the Yarra. I really cannot recall what happened but essentially she ravaged me. It was hilarious. Full on tongue (don't screw up your nose!). This sort of stuff went on for a bit and it was getting to the point where I was way out of my comfort zone, lets face it, I had no moves to fall back on. Then suddenly I hear Dad calling out "Son?" with a raised and humorous lilt in his voice. I called back and told her I better go, frankly I was a bit relieved. I had plenty to brag about to my friends as it was once I got home already. So I walked back over the bridge and sat down with a cheesy grin and a red face. A few minutes later Bell came stumbling back as well. I don't recall anything else from that night other than the fact that I was screaming with joy inside my head doing little jigs. We went back the next day to help clean and Bell was there. She looked so embarrassed it was hilarious. She did not look at me and we never spoke again. Great first kiss story I reckon. I’m not sure I will want to hear yours though. You are still only 5 months old after all.

Listening to Townes Van Zandt live.

Reading Woody Guthrie - Bound for glory. "The old souls that groan somewhere in the darkest corner of a boxcar, moan about a twisted life half lived and nine tenths wasted, cry as their souls hit the highball for heaven, die and pass out of this world like the echo of a foggy whistle".