24th September 2007

Damn it if I can work out what you look like. I just can’t sort it out in my mind. Your Mum and I are both anglo, you will be pale skinned definitely (do NOT try getting a tan). We are not overly freckled but your Grandfather and Great Grandfather Keith were a bit. I wonder if you will get the beautiful high cheek bones of your mother. Will you get my thin nose or the Baker wide nostrils? Will you get my spare tyre which I doubt will ever go (Grandpa Keith was thin as a rake and still had spare tyre). Will you hair be soft and straight like mine or curly like your Mums. We both have nice legs. Nice bums! I’m not sure what else there is that is distinctive really. I think I am an eye piercer, meaning I can bore into other people with my eyes. My eyes give everything away. Your Mum does the best greasies in the world. We are both pretty sharp characters though and that is what matters. The Keith’sare an artistic and clever bunch generally, in that there are no psychological issues that I am aware of. No depression or schizophrenia etc. My cousins on that side are mostly very intelligent scholastically. Mums side are the same mostly as well. I think genetically we are a fairly safe pairing in other words. You will need to look out for breast lumps REGULARLY from an early age as a high priority. Unfortunately you will need to be extremely careful about this. Your great Auntie has had a full mastectomy because she kept finding lumps. All the girls have to be damn careful. Oh and diabetes is a problem on the Baker side.

21st September 2007

Your Mum just got a call from Edie and they are going out to lunch in Canterbury. Her transition from busy teacher to society get-about was a short and smooth one it seems. The babies would be loving this change of circumstances, going in to bed with her each morning for cuddles and a nap after all that sleeping at night caper. They are the sweetest girls in the world and the reaction you get when you arrive home or just calling them into the bedroom is one of pure joy. When Mum comes down to the station sometimes to pick me up I usually call her to warn her. She says every time the phone rings at this part of the day she looks questioningly up at Mum asking if it’s me. If its not she says no not yet Pips, to which Pips tail drops in disappointment. When it is me calling and Mum says yes its time to pick Daddy up, well the girls go crazy and Carns starts to whimper. The looks on their faces when I walk up the car just melt your heart. You take what you can get because once you get a bit older that excitement will start to wane, until one day I just get a shout out from the bedroom. Hey, this is just the way it is when you grow up. But I have to say there is nothing more special you can do for another person than just being excited when you see them.
I wonder how you will be at school. I did not do so well because I did not concentrate and had no work ethic. I recall being worried at the end of each year wondering if I was going to fail the year and stay down. It wasn't until I moved to your Mums school that I did better. That was after I had established a routine. I think your Mum will be great with homework. She was always a girly squat.

19th September 2007

I’m sitting here at work at 8:35 and I just remembered I dreamed of you. I can’t remember a damn thing about the dream now which is annoying. I have never had a dream about a baby before. I’m sure last nights parenting class at the hospital effected me quite deeply. They showed a video (well more a photo collage) of a woman giving birth and the man guiding his baby out which is exactly what I want to do. He had his shirt off too which was so hilariously hippy. Damn I wish I could remember some of that dream. There are vague memories of holding you but that's it. Have I mentioned that I have been attending more gigs than I have in years? The timing is good. I’m doing this Podcast with Matt and we have a featured artist of the week so I have actually been going to see them live. There has been some great ones too. Kancoban and Jessica Paige particularly. In fact we are off to see Jessica tonight at Manchester Lane in the City. I have been going to her open mic nights after hearing about them. I have been wanting to do this for ages so I have finally done what I have waited years to try again. I can see why people get the bug once they start gigging, I wanted to just keep playing. The ideal thing for me would be to get an Americana band together. I’m thinking of doing this in a few years, I think I will have more important things to enjoy for a while I reckon.

Just in case I forget myself, look up Karl Pilkington and listen to the Podcasts of him and Ricky Gervais, so funny. Here is one of his poems -

Bubbled wallpaper
What a mess
Washer Dryer knackered
What a mess
Siamese twins separated
One leg less

About me kidneys
For Gods sake
Me belly ache
The doctor said its me kidney
He said hes gotta stick a tube up me knob
I said you gotta be kidding me
For Gods sake
Knob ache

19th September 2007

Im sitting here at work at 8:35 and I just remembered I dreamed of you. I cant remember a damn thing about the dream now which is annoying. I have never had a dream about a baby before. Im sure last nights parenting class at the hospital effected me quite deeply. They showed a video (well more a photo collage) of a woman giving birth and the man guiding his baby out which is exactly what I want to do. He had his shirt off too which was so hilariously hippy. Damn I wish I could remember some of that dream. There are vague memories of holding you but that’s it. Have I mentioned that I have been attending more gigs than I have in years? The timing is good. Im doing this Podcast with Matt and we have a featured artist of the week so I have actually been going to see them live. There has been some great ones too. Kancoban and Jessica Paige particularly. In fact we are off to see Jessica tonight at Manchester Lane in the City. I have been going to her open mic nights after hearing about them. I have been wanting to do this for ages so I have finally done what I have waited years to try again. I can see why people get the bug once they start gigging, I wanted to just keep playing. The ideal thing for me would be to get an Americana band together. Im thinking of doing this in a few years, I think I will have more important things to enjoy for a while I reckon.

Just in case I forget myself, look up Karl Pilkington and listen to the Podcasts of him and Ricky Gervais, so funny. Here is one of his poems -

Bubbled wallpaper
What a mess
Washer Dryer knackered
What a mess
Siamese twins separated
One leg less

About me kidneys
For Gods sake
Me belly ache
The doctor said its me kidney
He said hes gotta stick a tube up me knob
I said you gotta be kidding me
For Gods sake
Knob ache

18th September 2007

Ok so I have yet to mention my work at all, that should tell you something. It is not my passion in any way. I went the IT route simply because I knew it paid well, which it does. When I was looking at doing a course I was thinking what is the complete opposite of what im all about? I got a kick out of that, felt like the Dice Man. When I left high school I went to music College and left before the end of year exams as you will know. I then went back to my High School to talk to the careers guide who helped me determine some direction. They were very helpful, never be afraid to utilise free information. It worked out that I would suit working in disabilities. So I started volunteering places and slowly started to get casual work. I have worked with the elderly, the severely disabled - physical and intellectual, autistic, you name it. I worked in day centres, peoples homes, I looked after all the kids and at other times did cleaning work. I didn't mind the work but I was getting paid slave wages and working my bum off. The worst place I worked was at a quadriplegic centre. I would start at 6am and help bathe and clothe the men living there. It was disgraceful conditions for them. It was essentially a hospital, looked like a hospital except they lived there. They had no life and little reason to live. Some of them were unforgiving with me and I was still very young and unsure of myself and what I had to do. Training consisted of one mornings walk through. I still remember the smells very clearly. Their faeces (don't get queasy on me!) and body odour reeked of chemicals from all the medication they took. I was advised to keep vics vapour and put it under my nose which helped a bit. I think I lasted about 3 or 4 mornings and never went back. I would leave there a nervous wreck and with horrific migraines, it was effecting my health terribly. These days it would not be a problem for me but back then, well I guess I learnt what real suffering is. I learnt not to complain about my life. See what I mean about parents not allowing their kids to experience anything negative. My biggest learning has come from these situations which while unpleasant at the time, have enriched my life and understanding of joy and suffering. I want you volunteering at day centres or elderly homes, I want you to understand all walks of life and ways people live. I want you to be always seeking to understand things you are ignorant of. Prejudice and hate is bred from ignorance. You cannot be wise and hate filled at the same time……...your choice sweety. So my work life has had two extremes so far. On top of this I have done a little bit of gardening as well. But so far it was 10 years or so in disabilities and about 6 years in IT type work. My first job was in a call centre as a contractor in which I did well. I soon got off the phones and was what they call 2IC - second in charge of our team. I took complaints and did other admin type work as my team leader was never there. I wanted to get permanancy with them though so I applied for a business sales job and got it. There was a month of training and then I started having to meet my targets by calling up businesses and trying to sell them stuff. This lasted a month and I did not enjoy myself, the people working there were bottom of the barrel wankers. The boss was about to move elsewhere so I took the opportunity to talk to her and say that my old boss at the call centre was looking to get me back again. It was still within the three month trial period but she was leaving so had no problem letting me transfer back. That was great news for me as I liked the atmosphere and it was much less pressure. I soon got asked to help out with testing some big changes to the systems and spent a couple of weeks in the city. This led to me finding out about the testing job which I applied for and got. I can also tell you that up to this point I have got every job I have applied for except McDonalds when I was 19! My job now is very cruisy. There is lots of down time which is why I can do this diary. Its such a strange job, you get paid well and the work is simple for me. I still couldn't tell you what my ideal job would actually be. Frankly I don't want to work. I would rather do what I want when I want. Paint a bit, play in a band, write novels, spend time outside. I can imagine working in a book store or a record store. I can imagine if my life were different I would like to go help communities in some part of the world, maybe look after children who have escaped the horrors of war etc. Later on I think we would both like to care for animals that have been dumped or mistreated. So by now you should be getting the hint that im not a career person. I have had opportunities here to move on but im just not interested. My aim at the moment is to leave my job and not think about it at all once I walk out. Defining yourself by your job is perhaps dangerous for some. There are no guarantees in life and to base your happiness on a job leaves you open to feeling deep failure. On the other hand maybe it feeds some people to excel. None of us can be certain of what is right and wrong for others. You included. That's entirely your journey.

I also just realised that I have not spoken too much about your Gran, my Mother. I will have told you all about her plenty of times I know, so its perhaps redundant for me to go into too much detail. We often hear tell about how someone who has passed away is still here in our hearts. But I used to wonder if that was just romanticising death. All I can tell you is that it feels like we merged at some stage before her death and I have still felt no separation from her. In essence, if you have me, you will also be getting her. And where I cannot provide my sister will do the rest. For a while there however it hurt my heart to think of her not being around to love and care for my child. It really hurt. Same with your Mother and I having a wedding. Every time I thought of it I would be sad that my Mum would not be there smiling in the front row. I didn't want these things to be about her not being here. Do you understand the distinction? She is with me in the deepest of senses however the sheer lack of physicality in these momentous times in my life were still difficult. I guess time heals or numbs these things im not sure. Now I can just think of you coming into the world as opposed to you coming into a world without her. It’s never going to be what I want. I think about just how much love you would have got from her and its sad that you won’t experience that. She would have been obsessed with you. It’s not fair and it upsets me writing it, but there are no guarantees and no assurances of anything. Time flows with a callous, emotionless relentlessness and we are swept along with it. Maybe I should call you Kelp.

18th September 2007

Ok so I have yet to mention my work at all, that should tell you something. It is not my pashion in any way. I went the IT route simply because I knew it paid well, which it does. When I was looking at doing a course I was thinking what is the complete opposite of what im all about. I got a kick out of that, felt like the Dice Man. When I left high school I went to Music College and left before the end of year exams as you will know. I then went back to my High School to talk to the careers guide who helped me determine some direction. They were very helpful, never be afraid to utilise free information. It worked out that I would suit working in disabilities. So I started volunteering places and slowly started to get casual work. I have worked with the elderly, the severely disabled - physical and intellectual, autistic, you name it. I worked in day centres, peoples homes, I looked after all the kids and at other times did cleaning work. I didn’t mind the work but I was getting paid slave wages and working my bum off. The worst place I worked was at a quadraplegic centre past Ringwood. I would start at 6am and help bathe and clothe the men living there. It was disgraceful conditions for them. It was essentially a hospital, looked like a hospital except they lived there. They had no life and little reason to live. Some of them were unforgiving with me and I was still very young and unsure of myself and what I had to do. Training consisted of one mornings walk through. I still remember the smells very clearly. Their faeces (don’t get quesy on me!) and body odour reeked of chemicals from all the medication they took. I was advised to keep vics vapour and put it under my nose which helped a bit. I think I lasted about 3 or 4 mornings and never went back. I would leave there a nervous wreck and with horrific migranes, it was effecting my health terribly. These days it would not be a problem for me but back then, well I guess I learnt what real suffering is. I learnt not to complain about my life. See what I mean about parents not allowing their kids to experience anything negative. My biggest learning has come from these situations which while unpleasant at the time, has enriched my life and understanding of joy and suffering. I want you volunteering at day centres or elderly homes, I want you to understand all walks of life and ways people live. I want you to be always seeking to understand things you are ignorant of. Prejudice and hate is bred from ignorence. You cannot be wise and hate filled at the same time……...your choice sweety. So my work life has had two extremes so far. On top of this I have done a little bit of gardening as well. But so far it was 10 years or so in disabilities and about 6 years in IT type work. My first job was in a call centre as a contractor in which I did well. I soon got off the phones and was what they call 2IC - second in charge of our team. I took complaints and did other admin type work as my team leader was never there. I wanted to get permanancy with Telstra though so I applied for a business sales job and got it. There was a month of training and then I started having to meet my targets by calling up businesses and trying to sell them stuff. This lasted a month and I did not enjoy myself, the people working there were bottom of the barrel wankers. The boss was about to move elsewhere so I took the opportunity to talk to her and say that my old boss at BigPond was looking to get me back again. It was still within the three month trial period but she was leaving so had no problem letting me transfer back. That was great news for me as I liked the atmosphere there and it was much less pressure. I soon got asked to help out with testing some big changes to the systems and spent a couple of weeks in the city. This led to me finding out about the testing job which I applied for and got. I can also tell you that up to this point I have got every job I have applied for except McDonalds when I was 19! My job now is very cruisy. There is lots of down time which is why I can do this diary. Its such a strange job, you get paid well and the work is simple for me. I still couldn’t tell you what my ideal job would actually be. Frankly I don’t want to work. I would rather do what I want when I want. Paint a bit, play in a band, write novels, spend time outside. I can imagine working in a book store or a record store. I can imagine if my life were different I would like to go help communities in some part of the world, maybe look after children who have escaped the horrors of war etc. Later on I think we would both like to care for animals that have been dumped or mistreated. So by now you shold be getting the hint that im not a career person. I have had opportunities here to move on but im just not interested. My aim at the moment is to leave my job and not think about it at all once I walk out. Defining yourself by your job is perhaps dangerous for some. There are no guarantees in life and to base your hapiness on a job leaves you open to feeling deep failure. On the other hand maybe it feeds some people to excel. None of us can be certain of what is right and wrong for others. You included. That’s entirely your journey.

I also just realised that I have not spoken too much about your Gran, my Mother. I will have told you all about her plenty of times I know, so its perhaps redundant for me to go into too much detail. We often hear tell about how someone who has passed away is still here in our hearts. But I used to wonder if that was just romanticising death. All I can tell you is that it feels like we merged at some stage before her death and I have still felt no seperation from her. In essence, if you have me, you will also be getting her. And where I cannot provide my sister will do the rest. For a while there however it hurt my heart to think of her not being around to love and care for my child. It really hurt. Same with your Mother and I having a wedding. Every time I thought of it I would be sad that my Mum would not be there smiling in the front row. I didn’t want these things to be about her not being here. Do you understand the distinction? She is with me in the deepest of senses however the sheer lack of physicality in these momentus times in my life were still difficult. I guess time heals or numbs these things im not sure. Now I can just think of you coming into the world as opposed to you coming into a world without her. Its never going to be what I want. I think about just how much love you would have got from her and its sad that you wont experience that. She would have been obsessed with you. Its not fair and it upsets me writing it, but there are no guarantees and no assurances of anything. Time flows with a callous, emotionless relentlessness and we are swept along with it. Maybe I should call you Kelp.

17th September 2007

One of my old homes is up for sale. I had a look at the pictures and it was really quite sad but I did not remember the layout of the house and have no memories of being anywhere but the bedroom. My only three memories of that time are running out of the room and screaming at the top of my lungs for them to stop arguing, standing outside on the veranda during Ash Wednesday (look it up) as the ash fell all around me and lastly looking after a friends Mexican Walking Fish. Pretty depressing really isn't it.

Heres a memory which just popped into my mind. I wanted to go into the city with a friend but Mum wouldn't let me. I must have been about 14 or so. So I just said I was going to hang out at my friends instead. Well we had plans and nothing was going to stop them. So off we went to the station and took a train to the city. See this was at the glorious time when mobile phones were not around, so she had no real way of knowing where I was. The perfect crime. Well if you watched any television you would know that criminals are perhaps the stoopidest people in the world and get caught on camera making all kinds of blunders. And this criminal was no different. It was a weekday and Dad was at work. He was cool, he knew how to keep a secret. Lets go visit him I tell my mate. So into the building we go and up to the receptionist. I ask to see Dad and she calls him to make sure he is in the office. She hangs up and tells us we can go through. We go through the door and down to his office near the back of the building. Dad is sitting there behind the desk with a serious face. It turns out that at the exact time that the secretary calls through; Dad is on the other line to my Mum. So he tells her that I have just arrived at the office. You can imagine my Mothers reaction. Dad tells me the news and said to get back on the train and go home. Oh the tangled web of lies and deceit, you never win. Lady fate is always waiting to strike the weak and stupid.

Did I mention that we have set up your room? Cot has been put together (there is a video of that) and change table etc. We have so many clothes and stuff now. The time draws ever closer. Oh and I have a new favourite name - Emily. It ticks all the boxes for me. Your Mum is going for Ruby………… no chance for that!!!

14th September 2007

Your Mum had her last day at school on Friday. She was showered with praise and attention from the school kids and teachers. She really is very very good at what she does. It must be quite a feeling to love what you do at work. She called me on Thursday crying, said that she was upset that she was going to miss seeing these kids who she has seen grow up. She is actually sad to be leaving work. I thought I should give her a chuckle so I told her that if I were ever to leave this job I would probably leave without a word and just leave a steaming turd on the keyboard with a flag in it with a picture of me flipping the bird. I always know the right things to say!
I dreamed I was feeling Mums tummy and you were kicking away. I love laying in bed and just feeling you in there moving around. We went to the Symphony Orchestra concert on Saturday and it seems you either like or dislike applause. Every time the concert goers let loose you would do somersaults. I have also started playing guitar to you this week. I hope that we can use it to get you to sleep or stop crying if you are upset. You are just one big lab rat aren't you? Your Mum and I are going through this transition time where we need to learn different ways of communicating our frustrations. Your Mum can work herself into quite a rage and I do not help matters at all. I said to her this weekend that we don't have the luxury to indulge in this kind of arguing any more. And it is an indulgence, but I will not allow myself or your Mother to raise our voice around you. This is not what I want for you. I want you to see that we can disagree with each other but that we can solve any problems without the need to a ruckus. I promise to always be mindful of this. I talk about this kind of change a lot and that means I need to apply that philosophy to my own life. I don't like that I raise my voice sometimes. I have strong memories of my Mum and her husband having huge rows when I was there. I would come out of my room and scream at them to stop. That is not good enough to put a child through that. It is selfish and irresponsible. I write these things down and can’t help wondering how I have done, its like a time travel movie or something. Its going to be weird reading all this in the future because I will be able to recall whether I succeeded or not. Maybe you should be making notes as you read and send them to me.

I just bought some hair gel for $35. It better be good.

13th September 2007

We went to our first Parenting/Birth class last night. She was excellent. There was a 50/50 mix of younger and older parents. Not much to tell really. I was fascinated with the video that highlighted how and when you get a babies attention. It all comes down to using your brain and not being lazy minded when observing the child. You shouldn't watch a baby like you watch television, all blank and mindless. You need to keep an eye out for patterns. I'm not sure that would get along with anyone in this group. One of the ladies was nice . Her husband Izzy was English/Indian and about as interesting as old grout in a shower. This seems to be a common thing when you look for new friends or if old friends find someone new. The partner can be an absolute bore or worse. I have heaps of examples in our life. In fact I think Reba and Randy are both equally as interesting and dynamic and that's about it. Your Mum and I are an interesting study. As you should know, your Mother cannot stop talking. So when it comes to social situations, although I am a very sociable person I often find myself becoming withdrawn because I don't get to speak. We have spoken about this which is what couples should do and she was able to notice it herself once I told her. You would be surprised how many couples do not talk about this sort of stuff. It is also interesting to note just how many friends have fallen by the wayside over the last 20 odd years. You may see us now and think we have a small circle of friends, and we probably still do. But we have either ditched or been ditched over the years probably because you are not getting what you need from the relationship. I think you also get to the stage that you don't have so much free time and you therefore refine your relationships to the point where you only keep friendships that are working for you and are considerate of you.

11th September 2007

What does it mean for me, mesmerised, walkie talkie signal to my muse returns static.

I often sit here with hands poised over the keys waiting for a subject to talk about. The 30th floor views of the Melbourne skyline do not help. I never understood why they have to place the writer in an idyllic scene, sea views, garden views. What a terrible distraction. Who would put themselves through that? No; you ask an author where they sit and the answer would make a director groan for the blandness of it. J.K Rowling sat in a busy café, Jack Kerouac wrote in a flurry on the road, Bob Dylan would write in a crowded room full of song and conversation. Give me a basement any day. I find the train is a great place to write as well, plenty of inspiration in the people you share the carriage with.

Train Diaries #28;
Happenstance. Bringing forth thought and memory smells. I like those. Time travel for the senses. A wind is not ill, but it can bring memory in its trail. I haven't known a memory triggered by anything so vividly as smell. I have not had one in ages. I have not been caught up in a tornado of memory. Push me a gust wind God. Blow me a scene of my past. Breathe me an event long forgotten. And when I die, lift me up and carry me with the combined force of my past and I will be judged by the distance it takes me. Age 33, will the wind take me to the horizon? ------- So at a surface level I seem to be struggling with what to talk about. When I go blank I begin to doubt I have lived at all. I begin to wonder if you will be at all interested in what I end up writing. I feel like I have almost run out of memories already. What with the years that follow? Doubts aside I think it will be at least in a small way a means to work out where you are coming from, genetically and by nurture. For example you may find you have stomach problems or throat problems. My Dad does and so do I. And nurture is my influence on your personality not to mention my part in your dysfunctions. I am partly accountable for any issues you have carried in to adulthood. Of course now you are an adult you are responsible for what you choose to do about your mental and physical well being. If there are aspects of myself that have rubbed off on you that you don't like then you have to work out what to replace them with. The twist to this is that your parents are going to find it difficult to not put in their two cents for as long as you live. Keeping my opinion to myself is going to be interesting for me. You are damn lucky that I am getting experience at this with Sadie. I congratulate myself on how I have handled her transition to adulthood. Coping with boyfriends and all that.

136 Syllables at Rocky Mountain Dharma Center

Tail turned to red sunset on a juniper crown a lone magpie cawks. Mad at Oryoki in the shrine-room -- Thistles blossomed late afternoon. Put on my shirt and took it off in the sun walking the path to lunch. A dandelion seed floats above the marsh grass with the mosquitos. At 4 A.M. the two middleaged men sleeping together holding hands. In the half-light of dawn a few birds warble under the Pleiades. Sky reddens behind fir trees, larks twitter, sparrows cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep.
Allen Ginsberg

10th September 2007

I can only go on my own and my friends experiences and tell you that it seems that once you grow up and become an adult yourself, your parents don't actually get any easier to deal with. It has been one of the big surprises in my life to discover that parents become an even bigger pain in the arse the older you get. I have had all kinds of problems with Dad and Kath. They have caused me more annoyance than pleasure at times. One of the worst was of these was after our wedding. My father is paranoid about my Grandfather and he won't admit to himself why that is. The fact of the matter is that Grandpa has been a fatherly influence on me simply because he has been around more than Dad has. So instead of doing something to change that he just directs all his anger to my Grandfather, using the past as a justification. Anyway I get this call after the wedding and he proceeds to tell me how humiliated he was that Grandpa got a bigger rap than he did during the wedding speeches. It’s like the speeches are some sort of gauge of how much love I have for certain people. He puts far too much emphasis on these moments such as wedding speeches, birthday cards and calls instead of what really matters; just being there and spending time together. Kath plants these little doubts in his head and they start to fester. Well you can imagine how I took this. He does not upset me very often however this time I was fuming. I advised him that I was not interested in feeding his own doubts and insecurities and if he wanted a copy of the speeches to see what I did say about him then he was welcome to it. Rather than take in what I said about him he concentrated on what I said about someone else. I can deal with the fact that he was not always around for me but I won't take these kinds of accusations lying down. There has been many times that I wonder who the father is. Kath has been the cause of many arguments and incidents over the years. Not much point going in to detail, I am merely pointing out just how complicated parents can be and to let you know I will do my best not to cause you such headaches. Just remind me of this entry any time you need to.

05th September 2007

Its official, you have my feet. The 24 week scan was the best yet. We saw your profile and your hands and feet really clearly. The lady said you were a real beautiful little girl but I was thinking oh c'mon, I bet you say that to every mother, particularly in Brighton. But we can't tell what you really look like yet. Do you have the Baker nose and cheekbones or the Keith blue eyes and thin nose? All we know is that you have my feet, because your second toe is longer than the big. Our second toes are committing mutiny on the big ones. "Big Toe, I am officially relieving you of duty Sir. Sub commander little toe, please escort Big Toe to the brig. Left foot, I want you to precede in a forward direction, right foot, please follow at a two second interval".

Here is another weird thing I have - 'Rarely, the uvula is completely split from top to bottom, and hangs as two parts'. So I will be on the lookout for that. I doubt you will have this however. It looks like I was damn lucky I didn't have a cleft palate from reading cases. Have a look at my nostrils some time too. They are a different shape. As a child I was constantly walking in to things and have cracked my head open a number of times. I trimmed my hair to a number 1 once and I saw all the scars. I hope you don't start walking as young as I did. I was about 6 months or something. Is this an early warning sign about how I was to tackle things later in life? I know I pick things up pretty quickly, but don't have the temperament or inclination to master any of them. This is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact nothing is as long as you are at peace with it. I was told from an early age that I should finish what I started. It is a good general rule that parents often use. I just don't think everyone has the make up to stick to one thing, one passion. I imagine it would be easier to be that way however like all things it can lead to problems like obsessiveness and single minded stubbornness. Whatever you are, there is both good and bad to be observed, you just need to be happy with you no matter what. Do you want to be a great person? Would you like fame or recognition? When you answer these questions you then need to ask yourself why you answered that way. Was it because of expectations of others, yourself? Is it the attention you seek? The need for assurance or is it to push yourself beyond your limits? Maybe you are just a born leader. Or equally you may crave solitude and silence. We are all compelled towards an ideal that we wish for ourselves. So figure out what that end is and just go for it.

My greatest achievement has been my relationship with your mother. It has been an 'against all odds' journey. Look at my family, all three daughters of my grandparents have had numerous failed relationships and they have been my biggest influences purely because they have always been around the most. I do wonder at that, I wonder if there has been something to cause this early on in their lives. I almost fear to know. I know so many people who have experienced forms of abuse that it is not a stretch to believe this is the case. But like I have already said, you cannot keep blaming your past for your present condition, because you can always change those triggers to meet your needs. There are two people who have suffered the same abuse. One will never recover from it and rather than being where they are now, instead they remain that person they were when the abuse occurred. The other will choose to think differently about what the abuse means to them. They feel so sorry for the child they were, but refuse to remain in that space. Instead they embrace the child and tell them everything worked out ok in the end. I'm happy and I am strong. You never have to feel that way again. Watch out for these signs in your friends and help them to understand that life is about growing and casting off the traits and fears you once carried. If it is happening to them still, help them get out of the situation. Use the authorities always and don't allow them to remain in that situation. If after all that they just will not learn, then forget them. It sounds cruel but it is not your job to play teacher, parent and messiah to someone who will never help themselves.

So what are the trials you are experiencing in your life? What are your strengths and weaknesses and are you ok with them? What sort of life do you want for yourself and what will you be doing to make it happen?

Quote of the week - "Art should not reflect culture; art should subvert culture", Bob Dylan.

03rd September 2007

I have so few memories of my childhood it’s really sad. There first 8 years of my life were trouble free ones im sure of that. Other than being so sick I only recall a very carefree life. It really was ideal. im not sure my parents were having the same experience. Mum once told me that it was on her wedding night that she realised she had made a mistake, how depressing is that. I think my parents had music in common and later me, but not much else. When I think back to that time I have almost no memory of the three of us together. I remember trips with Mum to Cowes and with her sisters ex husband for some reason. Mum said nothing went on but I think she wanted it to. What a strange story there, she gets married young to Phil and then later divorces and he hangs out with Mum. I recall asking Mum about that and as usual forget the detail. There was also another of these incidences much later when I joined a group with Mum that fell on its arse before our first gig. Oh and guess what, this guy dated her sister I think a bit later. This guy had done a few duets with Mum over the years as they both worked in the same insurance company and they would always have these dicky wankerish conferences. Mum would always be forced up to sing. I hated and still hate that corporate scene, full of people who define themselves by their work and their house. Mum got sucked in to this world and sometimes I would duet with her at a wedding or some such thing. I HATED doing it but I enjoyed rehearsing with Mum. So back to this guy, we were rehearsing quite a bit and as it often happens in the entertainment industry, people can't separate their feeling beyond the most superficial. That is why so many actors hook up after they do a movie together. Same with music and I know from experience. You get caught up in that person's talent, you have the common interests and you confuse respect with love. As I told you previously I was a deep kid and adults were beginning to confide in me. So he wants to talk to me one night and I know why. He says he has feelings for my Mum (have you heard someone say this before, I have feelings. That's the subconscious saying yeah you have feelings but you still haven't worked out which one yet buddy). I said I knew he did. He was a bit surprised by that and so he spoke some more crap and I promptly went off to Mum and told her what he said. Well she was furious and not long after that the band broke up! Oops.

This is our greatest joy and our biggest challenge, relating with other humans. I may not be great with remembering a lot of stuff but I have no problems recollecting how I felt when Mum and Dad came into my room to say they were breaking up. It's probably a testament to the lack of interest in my surroundings that I was in complete shock. I got really angry and ran out of the room crying. Looking back now it's was quite literary of me to run out and leap into their bed, like I was going to fill in the gap that was between my parents. They then made their biggest mistake. They asked me to choose. Can you believe how horrible that was of them? How selfish and weak to put that pressure on me. At that stage Dad was my best mate, we did so much together and he was also going to be staying in the house while Mum left to live with my grandparents. So I said I wanted to stay with Dad. God can you imagine the walk from house to car for my Mother, driving off alone. Alone is not a strong enough description to describe what she would have felt. But things changed a bit later, there were court cases that went on for years and Mum got custody of me. It is during this time that I discovered reading. Living down at my grandparents meant that I was not near any friends. So I would get a book from the library at school and read the whole thing that afternoon and evening. I guess this was a really positive thing to latch on to. It was a way to escape without consciously disassociating myself from the real world. It was the Alice in Wonderland approach of self therapy. I came out of this whole experience quite well I think. All I had was a habit of using food as an emotional drug and that is when my weight became a bigger problem for me. Better a flabby gut than a flabby mind I reckon.

One of my other strong memories of that time living with my grandparents was my strange anger at my Grandmother. She would often pick me up from school and she would always whistle on our trip home. For some reason it drove me mad and I remember blocking my ears surreptitiously and willing her to stop. I recall very little else from that time. You may not realise that at this stage divorce was yet to be so popular and I knew nobody else that had divorced parents. Plus we had not been in our house that long so I did not have that many friends. I spent lots of time at a family friends house. It was very different to my situation as an only child with a screwed up family situation. I'm sure they helped give me some perspective. That is going to be important for me when bringing you up. I want you to see different families and how they operate. The key to life is perspective, to see two vastly different ways of living and seeing things. It is very hard to be selfish and feel sorry for yourself when you have experienced other people's lives. I want you to see poverty and abundance, close families and broken families. Getting through life is about being able to place yourself in the situation others find themselves every day, including animals as well. One of my favourite films is called Powder, there is a scene in which Powder forces a hunter to experience the pain he has just inflicted to a deer. They are connected in a way that he feels all the terror and pain of the dying deer. After this experience he never touches a gun again. That is how us humans will transcend our capacity to be cruel I think.

You are on my mind so much now. I look at your Mum (who I call humpty dumpty now) and just marvel that there is a little soul in there with her. It feels very right, there is no sense of being shocked or confused by all this. It is very natural and I CAN believe its happening. You encompass millions of experiences that I ache for, that even now I keep locked up. Every once in a while I open that bit of my brains up just a crack and peep in. I see a future with you and I feel like I would explode if I were to open myself up to it too much. I am going to give you so much love. As a man it is not a common thing to be so comfortable with expressing emotion and affection. I do not have that problem. And it is a problem believe me. Men of my generation and younger have no excuses any more. It is truly pathetic to come across a man who cannot invest his emotions into his family and friends without exhibiting some form of macho bravado. If it be men you are attracted to, make sure you find one who has experienced life and learnt from it. And someone who can also verbalise their feelings. But do make sure there is a bit of the barsted in him too. Light and dark my dear.

Your Mum will be on leave in two weeks. That is how soon it is now. She tells me that you keep waking her up at night with your wriggling. So does a Ruby wriggle? I think a Molly would. Oh lord help us with your name please. I was just looking at popular names at the moment and Ruby is high up in the UK. Mind you on the forums people are saying choose whatever and don't worry about how popular the name is. I also saw Abby and Emily. Abby is a friend's dog I just remembered but Emily I really like. Your Mother hates it though.