29th October 2007

We had Ryan, Chas and Matt over on Saturday night and we got into a discussion about spanking. Well it proved to be a lively and very interesting one. Your Mum and I had not discussed this as yet which is understandable; it’s a bit early on for that. However Ryan was speaking very passionately against the action. I started to write what he said then thought hang on, I work for a telecommunications company, have you not heard of a phone? So I called him and heres what he thinks - He believes this has played a contributing part in humanities violent tendencies.

He said there is a big difference between discipline and violence and as a parent you need to think about that. You can’t change the world but you can choose not to be a party to forms of violence. His reasoning is that you can’t bend someone to their will by hitting them. In fact it is usually the case that parents hit kids for themselves out of frustration. He sees hurting a child as the ultimate betrayal. He believes that the lesson learnt is "If you don’t do what I say then im going to make you". This is the belief that kids then bring into their adult life and the world out there isn’t always going to agree with you. Many people will say that kids are worse than they were in the past. As Ryan says, the old ways that people wish were back were even worse, ruled by fear behind closed doors. Men would beat their wives and their children like it was a God given right. He said about his girl: "If she can’t rely on me not to cause her pain then who can she?" Well my philosophy on this is basically no different. I truly hope that I was able to maintain that standard with you and not become weak minded and resort to this nonsense. My response is that I do not allow hitting you to be a choice, therefore im just going to have to be smarter and think of better ways of managing you when you are screaming and belligerent!

26th October 2007

Is this boring? I don’t know how you are reacting to this, how could I. I only say in defence of these large monologues that it is based on experience, and when you are young reading the opinions of a more experienced person it can uncover new ways of thinking about things. Your Mum always tells me to write down all my philosophies and up until now I saw no point. I hope that some of this stuff can be a resource for you. I do stress that you should read lots of books like Way of the peaceful warrior, Ghandi's autobiography, Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance, The Dice Man, The Bhagavad-Gita, The Bible, all my Yoga stuff, the list goes on. The point is to get as broad a range of opinions as possible. My philosophies in this diary will not all be true, just my take on them, so its up to you to source what you want from it. Don’t just read this once however, highlight or cut and paste sections so you can come back to it. I do this myself. I know there is some really good stuff in here because I often read or hear similar sentiments elsewhere from people who get a lot more respect (and money) than I do for the same information.

I just realised I have not said I love you. Wow that’s amazing. Well one thing I can say is that I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t love you already, and secondly, I don’t know how I will be able to fit all these feelings in my wee head and heart when you arrive and we finally meet. I cant wait for that day.

24th October 2007

We watched a wonderful film called 'Once'. Your Mum says the guys reminds her of me. I cant see that really myself. Similar songwriting style I guess. Its about an Irish busker caught in a rut. A girl comes along and helps him to get out of his funk and start living his dream. It’s a heartbreaking movie but if it ends up that you don’t write songs yourself, this movie will definitely help explain what it feels like to write one, I totally associated with the imagery. When you write a song you do often hear the arrangement in your head. I have been writing songs since I was about 16 or 15 from memory. I would have forgotten or lost the tapes of many of them over the years. But I don’t think you should hold on to old work anyway, its like keeping a pair or pants that you don’t fit into anymore and they have a split in the back anyway. It was very organic how I started writing. I learnt the basic guitar, listened to lots of songs and started strumming them. Eventually I think I just started putting music to my poems which I was writing a lot of. Your Mum reckons I would mimic whoever I was into at the time and it wasn’t until a few years ago or even less that she felt that I was making my own sound. Now I am very proud of the fact that I really don’t sound like anyone else. I can not imagine someone covering many of my songs and I still can’t figure out how a band could arrange them. I have this fantasy that I have written to a heap of big producers and set them a challenge to record my music.

It also makes me think about how I will approach your learning new skills. I doubt that I will be very lenient with you regarding giving up on things. I will try to keep check on that. Its my feeling that it takes years to build up skills in things so the sooner you start the happier you will be when you hit your late 20's and will actually start reaping the benefits. I think I will push for your learning a language right away, a musical instrument, a sport, writing stories, art at home and exploring a science together. It really comes down more to us than you in making this happen. This is all idealism I know and the reality may prove vastly different. But then I always love challenging that belief. I think consistency enables these things to be actualised.

23rd October 2007

I have come across an old Blog post of mine that I have not read since we found out you were coming. Now you know it took us a while of trying and it was not an easy time. But I always had this in my mind, have a read and see what you think of it -:

There has been some history of contact with my mother since she passed away. Not for a while and it has mostly been getting together in dreams and having long conversations. One time she was pregnant, the next time there was a woman in the same room as her and she got up and walked past without looking once at me. I got this understanding then that this was her but a different person, not one im likely to meet.
My feeling is that we can be inexorably led to things when we invest our thought processes on that subject. I came across this site http://www.worlditc.org/ about contacting people after they die via radio, TV etc. Fascinating experiments and one that cannot be dismissed so easily. Anyway, while working i had my headphones on as usual but nothing actually playing. Suddenly i became aware of the background noise because of a few spikes in the sound. Now i am not trying to tell you that i was being contacted or anything like that. It just brought me back to thinking about the subject. I got up and went to heat up my lunch. Whilst standing there I started to think about Mum and was experiencing some of the physical sensations i got after she died in hospital. Im a take things as they come kind of guy, i also keep a balanced head whilst not taking anything as a given. I said hello to her and i then asked her to help me with a particular issue i wont bring up here. I suddenly got this nearly overwhelming sense of hapiness and started to smile and laugh. Nothing in my rational brain could determine why i was laughing, i had no particular thought to trigger it. I shook my head and told her "Ok, ill take that" and got my food and started writing this. I cant shake the feeling that this was all kind of too easy and too coincidental. The most interesting part of all this is the physical aspect. I have not had this feeling in my heart and gut area since the night she died. I wont try to intellectualise this incident. As i told Mum, ill just take it as it is and move on. I had a sense that the answer to my question was yes, so i guess its just a matter or waiting and seeing.

Well here we are now and im sure you have worked out what the question was. So thanks Mum, you rock.

Thinking about big moments also made me think about how people focus on the grand statements instead of the everyday. My Dad is like that, he thinks that as long as he makes the required gestures such as calling on birthdays and coming over enough so he can say he does visit that this is enough. This is not enough, not by a long shot. The same applies to my aunties with Sadie. They occasionally invite her over or take her out to dinner and this is supposed to be enough? Time is the true measure of love and support. If you are not available for a person, if you are not seeing them as often as is possible and taking an active interest in their life, then the birthday card means nothing, the occasional visit will be pleasant but devoid of anything meaningful and deep between you. I am a little hard line about this and I don’t exclude myself. I have been a little brutal at times in culling friendships that don’t measure up to these standards, either because I don’t put in the effort or the other person doesn’t. You have to be a little careful with this because sometimes your lives just aren’t in sync at particular phases of your life. Jan is a perfect case. Its been 10 years or more since I have properly hung out with her but now that we are both in the family way, we have things in common. Before that I found that even when we socialised she was always distracted and looking for someone more interesting to talk to. This annoyed me because I consider myself to be an interesting conversationalist but I do require people to put in a little effort themselves and to keep their wits about them. I also don’t like small talk which is probably why I make certain people uncomfortable. So I have often been accused of being distracted. I think Jan was probably doing the same, it makes me think that I need to give people a little more time, some more small talk until they are comfortable. Then again some people never move past small talk. Boring.

Blood sugar no sex magic

Your Mum called me up at work and said that she had her water colour pencils and had a small book as a mini desk on her stomach when she got a kick. She then removed the book and used hands to push in same spot and got another kick. I guess you didn’t appreciated having your head used as a table. Your great grandmother said she had the same thing when she had a bowl of peas to split. Her youngest kept kicking the bowl over.

Tomorrow you will be 31 weeks along. Nothing much going on really. Mum is doing really well, still going for walks with Jan who cant believe how fit she is at this stage. She gets up lots during the night which as you might have worked out is not in her nature. This blood sugar issue is not too bad, she is being careful about the foods she eats and it’s not really a big deal. She has started a painting for your room. She asked what I thought she should paint and I went to my little stash of kids books and found the little fairy book which has some beautiful drawings in it. We flipped through and found one we think will look like you. She is also painting your giraffe (well Carns thinks its hers).

I have been throwing mulch all over the garden and done some planting. I said to Mum after work yesterday that on the trip home in the train I was thinking to myself "gee there’s nothing to do tonight, its going to be really boring". Then I thought wow this is going to be a welcome feeling in a few months. But frankly I have had years of bored nights and I really wont miss it. Having kids later in life means that you have had the time to be selfish and independent. For some the change will freak them out but I look forward to this next phase with gusto.

I hope that you will know your calling. I seem to have fit into the category of people who like lots of things but not one thing enough to imagine making a career out of it. When I ask myself today what would I like to be doing in place of this strange tedious job, well I cant honestly say for sure. After doing this Podcast for a few years now I guess that would be a lot of fun. I can’t see how you can make a career out of it though. I would love to do Podcast’s on music, getting people turned on to new music is a great reward for me. Other than that I imagine myself just having the time to do what I want. Paint a bit, write a bit, have a band, find good music and read some great books. I think your Mum would be even simpler than that, in a good way. Just time together with the family in a house she loves, exploring her painting skills. I love that we both have this attitude toward life.

Silly Mummy does work herself into a tizz as im sure you have had plenty of opportunities to see. She has a bad habit of building situations up in her head and making them far more than they are. For example we talked this morning about the quote we got for downstairs. Grandpa Keith knows someone who may be able supply the window frame cheaper so we need to see what the builder thinks about that option. So its just one phone call. But in Mums mind it has become a whole day event in which she will be co-ordinating an Olympic size event on her own. Have I mentioned as yet that for most women when they are pregnant, their emotions go on a rollercoaster ride? For you Mum, that was her before she was pregnant! She has been so docile and had not raised her voice at all. Its been very funny. I told her that im going to have to keep her pregnant now. She has been known to lose it on occasion and the last few years I have been no help I don’t think. My approach had been to raise my voice right back at her, which I had not really done before that. It seemed to happen more to me when I got into this job where I felt more confident and assertive. So there has been incidences where I push her to that explosion and explode myself. Well we have discussed this and we both agree that this type of behaviour is a luxury that we cannot afford when you come along. It is what I think of as an indulgence for our egos. I refuse to have you grow up in an atmosphere in which you are scared. I really hope that this has been the case. We always sort our issues out which is why we have lasted this long and still love each others company.

I have told people about this diary for you and have been met with blank stares. I find myself having to keep explaining why I am doing it. I find this unsettling that people would think writing about my life is so strange. I usually end up by saying that this is exactly the sort of thing I wish my mother had done for me, to have so much to read and re-read for the rest of my life. It would be the greatest treasure I could ever own.

Gestational diabetes, a real prick

Your Mum has gestational diabetes, well just. She will have to prick her fingers during the day to check her blood sugar levels. I think she was a bit heavy on the sugar at the time she got this test done so if they did it again I wonder if she would be over the limit. So now she has to be really careful of her diet and keep checking the blood throughout the day, not fun.

This nine months (ten really) is going quite slow and your Mum is also quite ready for you to enter soon hopefully via centre stage. For some people it may go really fast im not sure. Its part anticipation I guess. In practical terms it is very good that it takes this long. I have spent weekends doing lots of jobs that I wont want to do later. The side path has been completed to allow us to keep you in the pram if you are asleep. I have also set up the shed space because we are converting downstairs as a room. Then there’s always the mulch to place everywhere in preparation of summer and no rain. It’s a big block but all this work I am doing is to make it easier for me but still have the garden I want. I think you will really love our garden, it will be a great place for you to play in. I think Anne Shirley would love it as well. "So much scope for the imagination don’t you think?" I was doing an Anne myself this morning and imagining myself at work after you are born.

I picture myself crying all the time at work because I just want to be with you. I am not looking forward to that. I will just want to hold you all the time. At least you will be tall when you get older because your mother and I will both be pulling you from both ends screaming "I want a cuddle" and "no I want a cuddle shes mine" like a tug of war.

At the moment every time I think of you there is that awful voice in my head that starts saying what if this and what if that. Every parent wants everything to go all right and I am no different. The unknown is the greatest fear to overcome. In my head, I guess I then try to suppress some of the predicted experiences I will have with you, like if I realise them too much they may not come true. But I don’t think this is good. It is like I am protecting myself from getting hurt by removing not feeling too much. That’s a good one for a shrink. It would definitely hark back to my past, not wanting to tell anyone my hopes for fear of them laughing at them. I remember Mum and my aunties etc doing a lot of that, laughing at things I said. In my head I knew I was mature enough to understand what I was saying so it was extremely demeaning to put me down like they did. In fact I don’t think they have that maturity even now. For them I think it was not about me, just to lash back on men in general, preferably ones that don’t have the power. I still cannot work out how the three sisters ended up with such relationship issues. I can tell you that your great grandfather was a bit of a drunk in the early years. I remember him being really rough with me when he was tickling or wrestling me. It was well meaning but I don’t think he realised he actually hurt. Your great grandmother was like most other women of that time, the men were kings and she had limited scope for asserting herself. Women of these times would simply suffer through it and hope the men snapped out of it. Well he did eventually, went off the booze for good. Its important for you to realise that those sorts of relationships can actually work well as long as both people are able to take ownership of their failings. I think my grandparents have had a wonderful marriage that I can tell, they certainly love each other to bits and they have been the most influential people in my life as far as understanding relationships. The contradiction in how these old marriages worked was that often the women actually ruled the roost, and your great grandmother is no exception. This side of the family is a matriarchy so you are on the winning side. Us men have always been lower down in the rung. As for me, I have been a bit of a renegade because from a young age I was able to recognise where real power lay and I have always been able to manipulate women to great effect. I am like a small independent country sitting smack in the middle of a much larger one. Read some Asterix and you will get my gist. My relationship with the family is a little strange and quite distant. I tend to be a little guarded around them all, even my Grandma at times. Your Mum says that no matter how much Nan loves us her girls always take precedence. Like I said, I know where I am on the rung and that’s quite fine by me (remember this is just my take on things, not gospel). There are many reasons why this has happened. I mention again the way they used to laugh at me early on. Then another significant thing has been their relationship with my Mum, who was bigger than life and very much the centre of the family. She held the Christmas dinners, she kept the family together and I think her sisters have always had difficulty with that. Your grandmother essentially brought the youngest one up because your great grandparents ran milk bars and health shops, so she being the oldest became their mother. What has disturbed me has been since Mum passed away. They have had very little input into Sadies life and I know that this would have upset Mum very much. I think everyone used the excuse that they don’t like her Dad, but frankly if I can suppress my own distaste for him then what excuse have they got? I lived with the fellow.

As for me, I was never really family oriented. I much preferred my own company. So to this day I really never call the aunties, your Mum does that. If you want to know what your grandma was like just look at the way your Mum tries to keep the family together and look at Sadie and of course me. She really was a remarkable woman. We are connected still in a very deep way. I have not felt separated from her presence in all this time. I often receive little messages from her, most of them make me laugh. But she is not physically here now so she cannot force me to stay close to family. Your mum and I talk about this a bit. For me, and this is quite harsh, I would be quite happy to move away and not see any of them again, apart from my grandma and Sadie. I do dream of moving to Christchurch or somewhere and not having to feel forced to maintain a relationship. I think my Mum would understand that of me. If she were still here I can tell you that she would be playing a HUGE role in your life. Part of the reason why we didn’t have kids earlier is because it breaks my heart to think of what you are missing. She would definitely have divorced Sadies Dad and we were talking about getting a house together. I don’t doubt you’re Mum and I would have lived with her for a few years so we could save up. Oh well, perhaps in an alternative reality that’s happened. I know that your Grandma Baker will be great with you and as for the rest, well, maybe your experience will be like mine with my Grandparents. A good one. I hope so.

Johanna Beach and the little'uns

Ryan just called and told me he is going to have another baby in March. That’s his second but the family has more kids from past husband. Having many children definitely worked pre-industrialisation because working on farms meant that you have to use family to work it. But now, it must be harder? You simply cant invest enough time with each child so the less demanding ones may get less love and attention. At least there is love and good intentions. He said to your Mum that I appeared to not want you to be associating with his kids, it was such a strange comment to make given he never calls or visits us. He actually drives past our house on the way to see his sister. I am a realist I guess, I just cant see us seeing them that much until they move down to Melbourne. I dislike pretending outcomes that are not likely. I wish it were different and they were down here.

I have also been remiss in mentioning that around about now we would be heading off overseas on a 3 week trip to Europe. What is funny is that I completely forgot about it. I have been waiting for a long time to go back to the UK but as soon as we knew you were coming I couldn’t care less. I would hope that we have all gone over by the time you read this.

We have just come back from our last trip away before your arrival. It was just wonderful. Johanna beach with a view more stunning than your Dads gorgeous face. The dogs love the beach, wind in their hair and the feel of sand under their feet. Dogs love different textures. Your mum has been sick the last few days which has not been nice, its been a beautiful place to recover though, I hope we have had the chance to take you here. I have been taking the girls up into the dunes exploring which has been funny. There are wallabies up here and we saw one on our first explore then we heard one crashing through the brush when we got too close. The view is just wonderful and the wind is a little scary at night (I went and got the girls to sleep in the bed with me because your mum was in the other room because of her coughing and nose blowing, what a nice wife I have).

I had my ear against her tummy one day and I could hear all these weird sounds. It was like going underwater in the bath and blowing little bubbles. It was the strangest sounds. I then started singing How much is that doggy in the window and I could even hear when you were moving about.

Holden Premier HQ - my first car

This entry deserves a title -

My First Car

Your Mum and I used to go to clubs quite frequently. Most weekends actually. Once we found a great night we would stick with it. One of the best was the Beehive which was just at a pub in Spencer street. It was a goth hangout and they played fantastic music. The people were friendly and it was just a great atmosphere. No aggression. And yes there were a few occasions that I did go Goth to the fullest extent. Black lipstick, white face, mascara and teased hair. In fact I looked the spitting image of The Cure's Robert Smith. There is something liberating about becoming something different, making such a visual statement that you belong to a sub-group. It is very tribal. I didn’t continue with it because I don’t need external signposts to tell others what I am about. I would rather people have to work at it. So when people ask me what animal I would be. I guess I would have to think of an animal that does not use its body to attract attention or to deter attention. So im no peacock or monkey or emu, flashing my plume or baring my teeth. I reckon im more like a koala. Quiet and slow to anger and definitely not attracting attention. I think I fade into the crowd quite well. I would have made a good spy. So gothism or any other subbacultcha (see Pixies) has never been my cup of tea. But once in a while it is good to play a role. There was one particular time that myself and Chas went the whole hog thanks to the ladies help and we headed off in my Holden HQ to the Beehive.

My car was the best. It was a hand-me-down from my father and had been around for a while. It even went to Tasmania with them when they moved down there. When Dad left his then wife he moved back to live with his Dad in Ashwood. The car is a V8. It’s the only car I really loved, maybe because he eventually gave it to me. But not before committing what some people would call a series of atrocities to its exterior. Bored with life and the conversations with his father about food, my Dad decided it was time to give the old girl a bit of a spruce up. There was the obligatory rust problems (you could actually see the road between the passengers feet) and the old brown paintwork was old and out of fashion. Now my father has never let quality stand in his way of getting the job done. He has never concerned himself with the sorts of standards and rules that apply to others (he wont drink water when working hard because he thinks it makes you more thirsty). When he helped me create a path in our backyard he poo-pood the idea that you should use sand and crushed rock to get a balance and prevent weeds. Inevitably this path is the worst offender for weeds now (I did the rest on my own, WITH sand and rock) and his response is to pour petrol over the path. So when it came to painting a car it never occurred to him to buy the right paint or get a spray gun for a nice even finish. Instead he went into the garage and looked to see what paint was there, he found some lovely house paint left over of my granddads but not quite enough for the job. So he went off to the shops and purchased a little more house paint, matt finish, and not the same colour! My guess is it was on sale. The paint was actually not rust proof either and after mixing it with the other paint it came out a strange reddish brown colour (I have photos). Well I guess its cheaper than getting therapy and less damaging than slashing his wrists, but as far as contributing to art and beauty, im afraid he failed miserably. From a distance the matt finish was rather fetching and looked ok, but from close up all you could see were various brush strokes in different directions. It was frankly bizarre and a little insane. But as an 18 year old who just got his license, well beggers cant be choosers and frankly it appealed to my sense of individuality and flair for the ridiculous. It became a well known car for a while there as I reached driving age before anyone else in my year and added to that and the bizarre colour was the sound. The car had apparently been tinkered with over the years and it was the coolest sounding car in the world. Gruff, growling and insanely loud, it made heads turn everywhere it went. I loved this car.

I also brought in my own element of the ridiculous by using my home stereo with batteries instead of installing a car stereo (it had an old AM radio which while retro cool, did not impress chicks). The stereo was a boom box as they called it, about the size of a big shoe box. It took about 12 large batteries and had tape deck and radio (aerial pulled up inside the car). You may think this is funny but I have more to come. Frankly the speakers that were attached to the stereo just didn’t do it for me (the car was too loud). I found that even with all the windows down it was not having the impact on passers by that I was seeking. So instead I grabbed the speakers from my bigger house stereo, about as high as a desk and attached those instead. I had to put belts on them so they didn’t move so it meant that passengers needed to sit up front with me (bucket seats in the front meant I could sit 4 if needed). But oh the sound. Nothing pleased me more than taking off from school and passing by all the other students, car growling like a caged lion and now with speakers that were able to be heard over the car sounds. The Pixies would be on more often than not as they were nice and loud. Add to this my suede jacket and purple John Lennon glasses and I was a wonderful muddle of contradiction, a hippy with a V8. So that’s your father…..and your grandfather!

Now somewhere further up I was talking about how Chas and I got all gothed up to go to the Beehive. We took my car and there were four in the back and three in the front. On the way there was a booze bus so we were pulled over for a breath test. We pulled up to the cop and the look on his face when he saw me and the others with all the makeup and black clothing was priceless. He noticed there were four people sitting in the back, only two with seat belts on. I told him that’s all there were and grinned at him nervously. He looked back at me, back at my friends, shook his head and said "I cant handle this, just go". So off we went, passing by other police who were doubled over laughing. It was quite an experience.

BTW - phone numbers used to be without the 9 at the start. Ex 873 0168

John Marsden and my hippy genes

Do you remember my mentioning the Tomorrow Series by John Marsden? Well he has opened a school of his own called 'Candlebark'. If it were possible that is where is would like to send you. This is from an article about this - He also wanted to ensure that his school was not too rigid or inflexible. "I like the idea of a school that's full of surprises, full of humour and with an interest in wisdom as much as knowledge, because they are two different things," he said. Australian schools tended to use these two words synonymously. "Acquiring knowledge is all very well and useful, but acquiring wisdom is also pretty damn important," he said.

Oh my girl, haven’t I said this to you so many times in your life? It is our generation’s greatest misunderstanding. I do start to wonder if we will be making a hippy out of you. But you know I think your generation can do what our parent’s generation failed to accomplish in the 60's. You have inherited a dodgy climate from the last four generations thanks to industrialisation after WW2. I think that if you are passionate about the Earth and about its life, that you would probably find a career that you can truly love and also make a difference. This means that science and some maths will be essential for you. So that is my early prediction. We have brought up a greeny. And if I am completely wrong it would make no difference to me, your life is your own, and I just helped you through. I hope………

04th October 2007

Your Mum went to the doctor and he reckons you are going to be a big baby. Her glucose tolerance test was just over by .1 which means that her sugars are elevated. She needs to be careful now about diet. She does not want gestational diabetes. I was a small baby and your Mum was big. She just hopes that you are not too big for obvious reasons.

I am of the old and young, of the foolish as much as the wise,
Regardless of others , ever regardful of others,
Maternal as well as paternal, a child as well as a man,
Stuffed with the stuff that is coarse, and stuffed with the stuff that is fine.

This is part of Walt Whitman’s - Leaves Of Grass. He is talking about America here however I also think it can be interpreted as describing man. I associate with these words very much. We can’t be all good or all bad. Our actions and convictions are as changeable as the weather. We can be contradicting things all at the same time. Why can’t I be maternal AND paternal at the same time? There is the child in us all as well. We are sophisticated in the things that matter, that mean, and we are ignorant of the things we choose to ignore or are indifferent to. Something I believe in is that we should define our wisdom by how often we address these things we don't like or don't find easy. So in this spirit I decided that I should tackle more poetry. I know I have written it from time to time and it helped me get through some down times. But poetry, like music and writing, has been my chosen means of therapy. I have never been that interested in other poetry. So its time I got into the heads of others and see what I find. I thought I may as well take you with me on the journey. It won’t be taking over the diary, I will just be more mindful of pushing myself to read more of it and showing you the good bits. You may get nothing at all from this, who knows. To quote Whitman again - 'if they are not yours as much as mine they are nothing or next to nothing'. We shall see. He also says 'Have you practiced so long to learn to read? Have you felt so proud to get at the meaning of poems?', and 'You shall not look through my eyes either, nor take things from me, you shall listen to all sides and filter them from yourself'. I am mindful that by doing this I am not exactly giving you a glimpse of where I am at right now. But in some ways it shows you exactly what I am like. I never wish to rest on my laurels, to look at myself and say "ok, this is me, im done, deal with it". I hope you never say something like this about yourself. You are going to hear people say things like "im the type of person…" and "don't try to change me" and "I cant change". Some, and these ones are even worse, will not even consider change as being a required or useful part of their lives. These will be the same people who indulge in shallow pursuits, who define themselves by their work and by what they don't do. For example, the husband of someone here at work will not watch any movies that are not action and won’t read a book. And yet he portrays himself as an intelligent sophisticated and serious man. I really do think that we westerners are given far too many freedoms of thinking sometimes. That people can claim that this or that is just their opinion and they are entitled to it, even when it is clearly wrong, drives me to the point of insanity. Personally I burn for knowledge, yet I am still incredible ignorant of all manner of subjects. I think I believe in reincarnation mostly because I can placate myself that I have plenty of lifetimes to get through all the experiences I want. But for this lifetime I will be satisfied if I can get through all the major classic novels and keep finding great new music. Not to mention the main purpose of my life which is to do everything in my power to bring you up safe and sound.

03rd October 2007

We went off to our last childbirth 'class' last night. We learnt all about the different drugs you can take. We both agree that the less the better, if possible.
Do you know that one of the strongest memories of my past is feeling tremendously guilty when I threw away a sandwich my mother made for me in the bin. It’s not so much the action that matters here, rather the reaction. From a young age I have been extremely sensitive to how my actions can effect others and also myself. Is it guilt? Is it morality? Is it that I don't want to be thought of negatively? Maybe it’s all these things. I just know that I suffer when I do wrong by someone. So imagine if I really did something bad. I think I have on a couple of occasions, well I don't think, I know because I still think about these things. I think 'remorse' is the word I am thinking of. It is also the lack of this in others that irks me the most. Your Mother comes from a different kind of upbringing and she can have a tendency towards saying hurtful things. I want you to realise that this is just her upbringing and that it is just something they did. They say things in the heat of the moment but they also have a very tough skin. I do not so it has definitely cause tension between us at times. This is what relationships are about, learning how each other communicate and trying to find a middle ground. So if you are sensitive like me then understand that it is not meant to hurt as much as it could. If you have a thicker hide then you are probably wondering what I am on about.


Go and listen to some Leonard Cohen and tell me what you think. Make sure you read the lyrics too. Here is one example -



We met when we were almost young

deep in the green lilac park.

You held on to me like I was a crucifix,

as we went kneeling through the dark.


Oh so long, Marianne, it's time that we began ...


Your letters they all say that you're beside me now.

Then why do I feel alone?

I'm standing on a ledge and your fine spider web

is fastening my ankle to a stone.


Now so long, Marianne, it's time that we began;

01st October 2007

I wrote a song about you. There is a little poetic license in there, like your name!! I was a little cheeky using it when we hadn’t decided yet but I couldn't help myself. It works so well in the lyric. Its also one of the strongest songs I have written as well. It’s funny how important experience is to writing. The first line - 'every time I think of you my heart just stalls' popped into my head because I have been getting odd palpitations now and then. My best songs come from subjects I am emotionally connected to. When thinking of your name I cannot help but imagine how it would look on a book. Is it a good author’s name? Well I can tell you that we are almost decided on Emily Keith. Can you believe after reading your Mums first reaction that it would still be around? I loved it from the start. It just works for me on every level. I even like the literary flavour - E. Keith. That's nice. I just can’t imagine you being very sporty, only because it’s not a priority for us. I know that I will be pushing you to sing, write and paint. None of these guarantee a comfortable lifestyle though do they, so I will also make sure you have a direction to aim for that will earn you good money. Then again you may know exactly what you want. I hope you find a job you can be passionate about however that is extremely rare.
We had a car accident on Friday. Some idiot kid ran into the back of us while we were stopped at a light. Obviously we needed to go to the hospital to ensure you were ok. We got to see you again for a bit. Again this nurse also said you were cute. Your hands were flapping around again and you were less see through now your bones are becoming denser and you are putting on weight. We can see you now pushing on Mums stomach. I need to capture it on video. I have also recorded your Mum for one video diary entry so far. It's a trial getting her to do it. She doesn't like being in front of a camera.