30th August 2007

Things are really, really boring at work at the moment. I have little to no motivation to do anything but stare blankly at youtube videos all day. I can't get my brain to activate and start thinking of things to talk about. Ok, snap out of it, think man think.

Ok I guess I can mention that Sadie came over last night and we had an interesting chat. She had been up to Queensland for a birthday and took the opportunity to see Jim who is one of her Dads sons hence her brother as well. He had not seen her for four years. Quite a shock for him now she is 18. Over the last couple of years she has been getting more and more information about what sort of man her father was. I have been very careful in what I tell her. I am mindful of what she could and could not cope with. You need to be gradual when you start to change another person's perception about people close to them. You need to be sure they can differentiate their relationship with this loved one and another's relationship with them before you start using them as an outlet for your own pain. I have already mentioned to you that my Grandma Keith was not particularly nice to your Grandma and lots of other people. I however loved her to bits. I think it is important to understand that you can have a close bond with someone even if they have not handled their relationship with others nearly as well. Your main focus should be how you comport yourself and how you can bring the best out of that person. Sadie has learnt this lesson as well as I have. Jim decided for his own questionable reasons to tell Sadie what a shit her father was to him, his mother and his brothers and he did not once consider the consequences of his words on Sadie. Luckily for him she is a mature girl and took it in her stride. Because the things he said were very damning. I may have mentioned once or twice that my teenage years were not the best, but they certainly weren’t as bad as others have it. I have learnt some valuable positive lessons from that time and have come through it surprisingly free of neuroses! Up until last night I was very vague about that time to Sadie, however given what she was told it would have been unwise for me to keep hiding the facts from her. She actually asked me in the end whether I was hit to which you’re Mother actually answered yes before I could even respond, the naughty lady. But I do trust her sense of timing in these matters completely. She asked if her Mum was hit as well. It's a hard thing to hear but despite Jims outpouring I don't think she was really surprised. The lesson she will learn from this is that we can all use bad experiences in our past as an excuse or as a weight that keeps us down. It is the easiest thing in the world to blame someone else for your unhappiness and the bravest thing in the world to take responsibility for your own pain. Keeping anger in your heart is a choice you make, not inevitability. I chose to take these experiences and learn from them. I also chose not to hate him. I maintained a polite relationship with him because I wanted Sadie to have a happy upbringing. I could have just as easily refused to speak to the man and told everyone including Sadie what an arsehole he is, but to what end? That is the height of selfishness and self indulgence. You will have to make these calls each day, each experience you have there is an option of how you will react. One is smart, positive and centred while the other is hate filled, negative and self destructive. People usually find a grey area between the two. I don't want to hide you from life as you grow up; so many parents seem to be doing this now. This latest generation of young adults expect everything and do not have the coping mechanisms when things go wrong for them. I want to teach you some important life tools which schools do not cover. In fact I am hoping to get special guests to your school to help all the kids with life skills.

Mum has had a few little bleeds during the pregnancy. We have been to Emergency once and the doctors a few times to get everything checked out. It taints the experience a bit I can tell you. She had another little bleed night before last. It was hardly anything this time. She thinks its probably you and you're kicking doing it. You are sitting so low down that I don't doubt that by 9 months your Mum will see a little foot coming out her woo woo and kicking the air. I am speaking to you and singing to you quite a bit now. I wonder what you think when I do this and if you recognise me each time now. Nearly six months.

Reading Fear Nothing by Dean Koontz. Listening to Best of Peter Tosh and his endless musings on dope. I will talk about MY drug intake some other time.

28th August 2007

Today I bought 'What to expect the first year'. I am feeling under prepared for your arrival. There has been much controversy regarding circumcision lately so I am glad that I don't have to think about that one, although I would never have it done on my son. I got the book more for vaccination discussion, possible things to watch out for regarding health and learning etc. Thankfully it is targeted to Australia (or altered). I can just imagine a Mormon what to expect book. It would be one page and all it would say is "trust all things to God". That brings me to a real crisis your Mother and I need to discuss in detail; religion. I have no idea what to do about this. I was brought up a Christian and I see many positives to this approach. It provided a moral compass for you, it helps you to stick to what you know is right. On the other hand the religion poses more questions than it answers, I know, I asked. These guys always have a very studies answer and the answers are usually without substance. There is also our Yoga which would have been an option had you been born five years ago. My experiences there were also two sided except here I felt a real lack of community while the detailed answers where there in abundance. I don't want to just leave this up to me to teach you morals and spirituality because much of this is gained in experience and particularly unpleasant ones. I should also consider that my approach worked well with Sadie. I was her main spiritual guide as she grew up and so I was able to offer alternatives to the rhetoric of Christian doctrine which she got from the same sources I did as a kid. I think that I will not send you to Church but I would like you to have some Christian peers to learn good habits from. I have to tell you though that the real churchies end up becoming such nerds and personality black holes. This is not a golden rule; after all we have close friends of ours who are Church goers, but sweet Jesus their friends? Like glazed donuts with bad haircuts.

24th August 2007

I have been spending so much time looking to my past I have not really mentioned anything happening now. It’s probably because nothing much is happening really. Your Mum is getting bigger but you are so low down she could almost get away with it if she wore a big jumper or something. I felt you kick again this morning and I played you Hank Williams for the first time on Saturday. You went very quiet when Hank started, I wonder if that was out of interest or disgust! We are going to a different place for the next scan, again. We have not been happy with any of them really. So have I mentioned names yet? As far as I can tell here are the three in your Mums order of preference - Ruby, Maggie, Molly. I think we will just have to wait and see your personality when you pop out. If you were a boy I was thinking Harry or Rory (lots of ee's isnt there).

It’s so hard to picture you still. After all you are still just a little squirmy wormy so it’s hard to picture that as becoming a real person. Your Mum is completely obsessed with her tum, she has her hands on it all day and all night so she can feel you causing a ruckus inside her. She said it’s like someone blowing bubbles inside her. It’s amazing to think that you are moving around there right near her spine, you are pushing all her innards up into her chest. You are now past the half way mark, that's hard to fathom. After all I am fairly responsibility free at the moment. I can do what I want when I want. Others keep remarking on how much your life is about to change like it's a warning. They don't get me at all. I love change, it has never been hard for me to make changes to suit the situation. I may not have as much time and freedom but look at what is taking its place, you! How could that be anything but a pleasure? I am glad we waited until we were a bit older. So many people who have kids young have not sorted their personal shit out and so they pass it on to the kids and then have a breakdown when they hit 50, get divorced, buy a Porche and date young thangs. The likelihood of me having a mid life crisis is extremely low, but we must be vigilant, constant vigilance Harry!

So this is your parents at this stage, both happy, healthy and eager to begin the next phase, the next chapter. We have bought all your bits and pieces now, cots, change tables, the whole kit and caboodle.

Listening to The Jayhawks - Blue, reading Connie Willis - To say nothing of the dog. Finished the classic Tomorrow series.

20th August 2007

This has taken me a while to write up, but I know you will want this as part of the diary especially. So go get yourself a cup of tea and some biscuits cause it's a long entry today.

How I met your mother.

I was at one High School up to Year 11. That year Mum pushed for me to take accounting and economics classes as the hope was that I would take over Grandpas stationary business (yeah right!!). So half way through that year it was fairly obvious that I was not made for this sort of thing. Firstly I didn't have the best work ethic and secondly, me and numbers…….well we just don't get along. So there were meetings and discussions and arguments over my future. It was clear that music was my real love. So they did some research and discovered a music college and thought it something reputable for me to head towards. I have always found it strange considering Mum was in bands herself that she would feel it necessary to try and turn my love into a reputable and snobby endeavour. I had shown no interest in classical music let alone classical guitar. This line of logic was however ignored and it was decided for me that I would start taking classical guitar lessons and aim towards getting in to this college (which I did!). I left school half way through and spent the next 6 months getting lessons in prac and theory with the aim of moving schools and repeating Year 11 with a more music focus. There were a few positives to this. Firstly I was much younger than anyone else im my year so by staying back it meant that I was much closer in age to everyone else. Secondly it gave me a chance to start a new school as a new person. Nobody knew me and therefore I could be whoever I wanted. The six months flew by and I did learn a lot of stuff (most of it gone now). I entered your Secondary College with a fresh outlook and my shy past was left behind me. I was baggage free. This time it was music classes and drama that took precedence. I did a hell of a lot of growing, and living over the next year, met some new hippy friends and had a fantastic year of hanging out on the oval with my guitar, smoking beedies (indian cigarettes). I found myself comfortably fitting into all the various groups of that year thanks to my new attitude and the classes I took. I hung out with the music kids, the drama kids and the popular kids just as easily as my closer stoner friends! Yes, I didn't mind the odd choof here and there. But then I don't have an addictive personality so the danger was low for me. Plus trying something harder was not even an option in my mind. I did better in class as well. But it was Year 12 that was my best year. Everything came together for me and I had the time of my young life. All of a sudden (especially after my first kiss that school holidays) I began to get the attention of the ladies, quite a lot of attention actually. I had taken to wearing that lucky suede jacket to school. I wore a t-shirt under my unbuttoned school shirt that was quite punky and wore doc martins. I had suddenly become cool. I wanted to look like Judd Nelson in Breakfast Club, my favourite movie. My hair was getting long and the pimples had gone. I was also quite thin, it wasn't from a healthy lifestyle though, I did no exercise, I just stopped eating . Really really stupid but the more attention I got the less I ate. I lived on noodles, REM and beedies. Life was sweet.

If you go and get Linda Goodmans 'Love Signs' (I highly recommend you do if you want to know the best signs to partner up with) and read up on Cancer with Scorpio, there is a section which mentions the most likely places these two will meet up. They were a library or a history class. So year 12 had begun and I was off to my first Australian History class with Mr Ricardo, a fantastic young teacher who even invited us all to his place for a talk on Aboriginal culture. It was in History class that I first noticed your Mother. I can’t remember what I said but I know it was something to make her laugh. She was hanging out with the popular group, some of who I knew through Drama class. I do recall thinking she was cute as; however it was not as simple as love at first site with us. I was simply not mature enough to understand what love was all about, I wouldn't have known love if it was wearing a t-shirt and waving a big flag with my heart on it. And guess where we had our first conversation? Yep, the library. Weird huh? The twist to the beginning of our friendship was that I was actually attempting to hook Chas up with her. I guess it was because they were both in art classes together and I hadn't really started to see us as being the types to get together. Your Mum will be able to tell you however that she had actually told Christine about me. She said that she had met this cute boy at school who reminded her of Timothy Hutton (she also tells me she remembers I said something strange to her about the school work. She says she also remembers clearly my jacket and docs, see I told you!). We started to hang out quite a lot, myself, Chas, Shane, Aeda and Lee would go over to her house across the street from school and hang out playing pool and smoking. Once I got my license in June we would drive down to the mall and hang out there in the food court. We were all very arty types who listened to REM and The Pixies and talked about life and the future. We did not involve ourselves in school activities at all, but we were not depressed and cynical at all. We were a very happy and deep group. During this time I had my first girlfriend. Her name was Charlene and she was very cool. I remember noticing her for the first time when she showed up to class with the coolest haircut. It went from 80's long blow dried bouffant to number 1 clipper around the sides and long spiky up top. She was a big Cure fan and she looked like nobody else in the school, hence my interest! I can’t help but seeking out the different ones. Then we went on a drama trip to the city to watch Les Miserables (the BEST) and I remember I was sitting up the back (obviously) and she got on the bus. As she was walking down the aisle our eyes met and zap, there was this connection established that wasn't there before. Very strange. So we hung out a lot that day and after that as well. Then one night I went to a party with her and we went out for a walk. I can’t begin to tell you how nervous I was. We went and sat down under some trees and finally after some time I asked if she wanted to go out with me. I reckon it took about half an hour or more before she finally said yes, I couldn't work out what was making her question it so much (little did I know she was actually gay but still fighting it). Finally she said yes and I leant over to kiss her and we butted teeth, was that ever an omen. We lasted about 8 weeks I think and I really didn't see her that much (didn't have my license yet) and I think we pashed about three times. The rest of the time was the hand holding and stuff at school. It was very cute and I had never got to experience that innocent kind of school relationship before. She soon broke up with me, I can’t remember what she said. I wasn't hurt and we remained good friends still. It was also at this time that I started to notice your Mum. I remember my first phone call to her. You may find this incredibly daft but I liked saying stuff to give the impression that I was able to read peoples minds. I would hazard comments that guess at their feelings on certain things and I would often be spot on. It added to my air of mystery and intelligence (boys, I know!). There was a bunch of us going to a party during that time and I was living far away still. The problem was my Mum was going out and wouldn't be able to take me down there unless she took me early. So I called your Mum up and when she answered I said, without saying who I was mind you, "why don't you like your name"? She was like "what?”. If you read books on meeting friends and influencing people they will say that you should open with something people will remember. I think this did exactly that. She then admitted that she never liked the surname Baker because of the teasing she got. Hey it wasn't exactly a risky guess I know but hey, we were young! I told her that I needed to come down early and could I hang out at her place. Charlene was going to still be at work as a receptionist at a dentist. She said that was fine and so I arrived at about 5 hours before the party was to start. We hung out in her bedroom and I immediately went to her record collection and proceeded to bag the crap out of it. It was truly awful. Lots of bad hair Heavy Metal Glam bands, ouch. This girl had a lot to learn. I still remember being there and had finally begun to notice her in a big way. She was hot. I was also a terrible flirt and charming her to within an inch of her life. So it really wasn't that long after I broke up with Charlene that we started to hang out more. I don't recall we did much hanging out alone together. We went to blues gigs and around this time she was going out with this knob head friend of her brothers. I remember being furious about that. Then a bit later after she broke up with him, I got invited to hang out with her and her brother’s friends at their local pub. Her parents said I could sleep over in the living room because we would be back late. Her brother picked us up and off we went to the pub. At this stage I was a big fan of black and tan beer (half stout half lager). I used to go down to my friend Shane's house quite often and we would go to the Hotel and sit there drinking and sometimes doing homework or whatever. Anyway we shared a jug or two and had a dance and got quite drunk. By the time her brother got us back in the car and he was driving us back home we were laughing so much that he ended up pulling over and telling us to get the hell out. We were only a couple of km’s away from her home so we did! Halfway back to her house, walking through the half lit meandering streets I grabbed her and kissed her for the first time. After a while we kept walking and talking again and I think despite the excitement we were both eager to get some sleep. The next morning we were both up fairly early and I guess your grandparents where still asleep. It was at this point that the famous coffee mug incident occurred. She made us both a cup of coffee and some toast. While your Mum was buttering the bread I was quietly sipping at the coffee and I noticed that the words 'I love you Mum' were written across the side of the mug. I assumed it must have been a gift for mother’s day or something. I then had a funny idea, the same type of idea that makes me mess with people’s minds like I said before. So I carefully placed my hand strategically over the word 'Mum' so it just said 'I love you' and held it out to your Mother and said "hey". She turned to me, saw the mug, saw me nodding and raising my eyebrows sarcastically and then just went back to buttering the bread. It was not until later that I realised I made a bad move. She took it seriously and thought I was getting all heavy on her. I guess she was still learning about me at that stage. So things eased off after that for some time. I'm not sure when your Mum made it clear that she was not looking for a relationship during the busy Year 12 as she wanted to focus on study. I believe it was after this and possibly on the night we were at a Hotel (pubs again!). I took her off to one side and formally asked her if she wanted to go out and she shot me down in flames. I was not expecting that answer, I guess my ego had gotten a bit bigger at this stage. We did kiss a couple of times more during that Year however. I did kiss other girls too, especially at the local nightclub. I guess at this stage it was more like we got together if we couldn't find anyone else. It really was a weird old relationship. The next big change occurred after the school year was over. From what your Mum tells me she was starting to think about me more and I think she was looking to get together with me eventually. Her plans were perhaps pushed along somewhat when she was speaking to one of our friends Lyn who was Charlene's best friend. I had kissed her once before. We were all off to a party and Lyn was talking to your Mum and saying that she was thinking of making a move on me that night. Well what followed was a perfect example of how devious and conniving women can be, because the idea that I would be off kissing someone else was enough for your Mother to go into action mode. She called me up and invited me over to say hi before I went to Charlene's place. She could not make it as it was her brother’s birthday that night. We went off to the milk bar and I could tell something was up. She seemed distracted and nervous. By the time we got back there was only time for a quick cold drink and a smoke (well that's youth for you, we all smoked). We stood outside in the garden and talked about nothing in particular until her Father called out to say it was time to go. The next bit came as a complete surprise. One minute I was chatting away about nothing and then all of a sudden this strange expression came over her and she fixed me with smouldering eyes that were so intense I stopped talking. She then took a step towards me, grabbed me by the jacket and said in a quiet voice "come here". Next thing I knew I was being kissed like I was never kissed before. My hands were still hanging limply to the sides. I was in complete shock. Then she pulled away from me, smiled and said "I have to go now, have a nice night". And off she went leaving me to walk over to Charlene's house shaking all over. I told the girls what had happened and their reaction confused the hell out of me. They were furious. Of course I didn't know that Lyn had spoken to your Mum about me so I wasn't to know your mum essentially buttered someone else's bread. Your Mum can certainly be ruthless and she certainly played quite a chess game that day. Check mate!

From that point on we were together, inseparable……well almost! More about that another time.

17th August 2007

Today i am just going to put an email i just replied to today. I think its got a lot of things i really believe in. Here it is --


Hello my friend and former co-worker! I have a favour to ask you and that is this. I am looking for some constructive help in making myself a better person and co-worker and I am counting on you to be honest and up front with me. I will not stock you nor hunt you down but I would be forever grateful that you took the time to answer two simple questions. I am looking at making some major career changes and so I come to those that I can call "friend" and I believe will be honest with me.

1) What made me a good co-worker (assets/anything that you can remember)

2) What would you say my defects are/were? (again, I asked and so here is your chance!) I really would appreciate your honest input. Don't worry about feelings - I have none. This really is to make me look at myself and determine if I am indeed on the right track.

Thank you for your time. Sange
--------------------------------------------------------

Dear Sange,
Ok, here it is! Its not what you really wanted to hear though.

1. Like me you can deal with all kinds of people as second nature. You put a person at their ease and can work along all types. You are easy to deal with and don’t require someone to stand over you to make sure things are getting done. You are fun to be with, clever, witty and damn cheeky. You have a keen mind and you can almost hear it cranking away up there on high speed.

2. Point two can NOT be answered by anyone and if they do they deserve a good slap. It they answer then that is their biggest defect. It cannot be answered because it would be so warped by their own value system and experiences as to be complete and utter garbage.

I can tell you what I know about myself and make a call on what i think this email is about because i have done something like this myself in the past. You have a serious lack of confidence in yourself. What annoys me is that there is no justification for you to think that way, it has just become something i guess you are used to thinking about yourself, you started to believe the internal critics. Here is my blunt answer because it’s something i would like to tell my father. Get over it. You are too old to be focussing on your supposed weaknesses and using them as validation to continue feeling held back by it. My radical theory is that people only repeat thoughts and feelings if they get some pleasure out of it. Even if it’s behaviour they hate about themselves. So what are you getting out of it? I often have to check myself over getting depressed about body shape. Then i think oh what luxury that this is my biggest worry and secondly the wife couldn’t give a shit! She does not see me the way i see me. Which leads on to my biggest point.

Your only weakness that effects your life in any a significant way is your opinion of yourself, which is a club of one. As a friend and co-worker, because you have those positive qualities i mentioned above, they are really the only things that matter to me and others (people are too busy thinking about themselves). Self assessment is a very positive trait and self improvement should never stop at any age. It is a rarity in this world im afraid. I just think you are going about this in the wrong way. Confidence and self belief is an attitude and it is only attained with practice just like learning a new skill. It becomes a habit to think with confidence if you keep doing it. The same happens in reverse. We can also define ourselves by our lack of confidence and it too becomes a habit of thinking. Sange, thoughts are not tangible and you should not define yourself by these qualities. We are not this mind; we are not these habits or these conditionings. The mind is a ghost. What you actually are is a wonderful, loving and strong spirited person, your spirit is what you should define yourself by because it is bigger than your personality or your believed defects. Your defects, such as they are, are ghosts, habits that can be changed into more positive habits any time you choose.

So my action plan (it can’t just be words) is two things -

1. Love yourself exactly as you are with no buts at the end of it. You cant say "I love myself.... but...." Otherwise all you will be is a but (no pun intended)!!! Does that make sense? Why focus on the but instead of the love. Is that what you do with your loved ones? Focus on all their bad qualities?

2. You should try being like an observer of your own life like you are watching yourself in a sitcom. Stand back as a witness in your own life and start noticing if each behaviour is firstly habitual, and secondly does that habit feel right or wrong to you. If it’s good and feels right, keep it, if not, discard it. Use a visual like calling in the Ghost Busters to lock that habit or behaviour away forever.

You don’t need anybody to tell you what your defects are because the real danger is that you can then start grabbing hold of them tight as a justification for how you feel about yourself. They will become like mantras for you. Your only mantra should be "I am ok. I regard my ability to love myself above anything else as the most powerful asset i have in my arsenal". My final suggestion is send off another email to say there's no need to reply to the last email, you have it covered.

Hugs,
Me

16th August 2007

I just spoke to Sadie. She has broken up with her boyfriend Das. She is going to be a great one to chat to. I just realised that I was around her age when she was born. Now she will have the same experience with you that I had with her. Sadie and I have so many similarities it’s really quite bizarre. I can only imagine that you have had a very different upbringing to me. For one thing I can’t imagine being divorced. I can’t imagine putting my own needs above yours like my parents often did. I want to give you my time, as much of it as possible.

My passions must be obvious. I love to write music, listen to music, read, write. I love going to galleries and I love to paint. Wow that has never occurred to me before. I am obviously not much of an observer am I. Everything I love I want to try myself. Mind you I don't want to make movies however I don't mind a bit of acting. I may not have this any more but I did a short short film for Ryan called Trans Blues. When Ryan played it to the class they all thought I was a professional actor as they were asking how he got me involved. I got a kick out of that, I did the Year 12 play (Called Gulls by an Aussie playwright) and got the lead role but I don't think I was very good. So in Trans Blues I will set the scene - I arrive home from work, hair neatly combed and Harry Potter glasses. I slump on the couch with a scowl and turn on the telly. Cuts to me in the kitchen making a cup of tea, still annoyed and tiching. Cut to me eating dinner and reading. Suddenly my eyes fall upon a rouge brush. I pick it up and look at it with a longing sigh. I look at the time, look at the brush. I come to a decision and get up from the table. Cut to me entering the bathroom and closing the door. There is music playing and then when it hits its peak I fling open the door dressed in drag wearing a tight red dress and singing along with the song. I walk to the camera. Cut to a hallway and I am dancing down it then at an open door a do a sexy but drop and lift before walking into the room. Cut to close up of me swigging from a champagne bottle, some of it spills and I explain in a lispy voice "oooh bubbles". Cut to me dancing with the with the bottle and I slip over. Cut to me at computer very drunk (Loretta Lynn playing) I'm looking around Internet. I look a little closer at something. Cut to link saying something like 'sad old cross dresser embarrasses self on live webcam'. Back to me, I click on the link and suddenly see myself sitting there looking at the computer. I shout out "Oh SHIT". I then start looking off to the left to see where the hidden camera is, slowly I walk towards it and my finger closes over it. Cut to me against the wall screaming (overacting) and crying "why why why", I slide down the wall crying some more. END. I have to tell you it was extremely fun to do, we were all in tears. I have never been afraid of looking like a fool. It is a little embarrassing but when we were younger we had this fake newsletter Ryan and I used to write and send to Jan called the Non Conformist Society. I may still have some of it somewhere. It was all a bit silly however it did help me get over my depressing time very well. I recall once in the city with a group of us and we decided to dance around all the cars in Swanston Street. It was actually a pivotal moment in my life because I just let go and allowed myself to just look totally stupid and I did not care what anybody thought. It changed me in a very significant way. I stopped being so concerned with what others thought, not completely, but close.

So have I said this yet? Yes my first major crush was with Jan. I wrote poems and everything. We met when we were about 15 when my Mum drove up to Ararat for the weekend at a business colleague’s house. Their daughter actually went to a Melbourne school so we were to pick her up and bring her home. It was in a van so I was sitting in the back, I had my Pink Floyd t-shirt on and she came in and said "ooh I love Pink Floyd". Well that was enough, I was smitten! So yes I really liked her but I was too shy to tell her and secondly there was no hint she felt that way about me. I was a pimply awkward looking kid and she was already dating boys. So nothing ever happened at all. If I had not met your Mum who knows, although I can tell you now it would not have lasted, as a couple we would have really butted heads. I stopped feeling anything like that early on.

Well I guess I should get it over with - my first kiss. Well you know enough to realise I was a late bloomer, I loved girls but they didn't love me. So I was 17 and a half by this stage and on the verge of a nervous breakdown, going to discos and watching all my mates get on with girl after girl while I leaned against pillars. It was an excruciating time of my life. It was new years and I was up at Dads in the country. He had just given me the coolest Suede jacket, very 60's. We went down to his mates restaurant and had a BBQ outside. There wasn't that many there and nobody close to my age but one of the waitresses called Bell, and she was…………….. wait for it………………………

23!!! Well I guess she didn't know when to stop drinking because there I was not far from the group, I was standing on a small bridge that lead off through some trees to the Yarra. She comes up to me and starts chatting to me, getting really close. Then she asks if I wanted to go for a walk. I say yes and we walk off through the trees near to the Yarra. I really cannot recall what happened but essentially she ravaged me. It was hilarious. Full on tongue (don't screw up your nose!). This sort of stuff went on for a bit and it was getting to the point where I was way out of my comfort zone, lets face it, I had no moves to fall back on. Then suddenly I hear Dad calling out "Son?" with a raised and humorous lilt in his voice. I called back and told her I better go, frankly I was a bit relieved. I had plenty to brag about to my friends as it was once I got home already. So I walked back over the bridge and sat down with a cheesy grin and a red face. A few minutes later Bell came stumbling back as well. I don't recall anything else from that night other than the fact that I was screaming with joy inside my head doing little jigs. We went back the next day to help clean and Bell was there. She looked so embarrassed it was hilarious. She did not look at me and we never spoke again. Great first kiss story I reckon. I’m not sure I will want to hear yours though. You are still only 5 months old after all.

Listening to Townes Van Zandt live.

Reading Woody Guthrie - Bound for glory. "The old souls that groan somewhere in the darkest corner of a boxcar, moan about a twisted life half lived and nine tenths wasted, cry as their souls hit the highball for heaven, die and pass out of this world like the echo of a foggy whistle".

14th August 2007

I haven’t mentioned my two girls yet have I. I have had a lot of dogs in my life, but these two are something special. Carns is obsessed with me. I have never experienced that kind of adoration before. She stares at me with such love. From the moment we met it was like that. Your Mum went and picked up Pips the day before, God she was so cute, a little black puff ball full of energy. You will have to ask Mum about that meeting. I had seen her before that and we both just loved her. She is the quintessential loyal dog. She always wants to please us; she behaves herself and is such a baby. We carry her round on her back and she just flops like a rag doll, so trusting. We said that we can imagine you dressing her up in dolls clothes and her just lying back with her eyes closed in a pram. When we are out she is always on the lookout for danger and if a Doberman were to attack one of us she would be in there defending us. Its interesting because she is the bottom of the pack hierarchy. I’m at the top (im the disciplinarian, you probably worked that out by now), Carns thinks she is second, then Mum then Pips. When big dogs get close Carns does the opposite, she takes off. I would imagine that is her trusting that I can take care of things. I make that very clear as pack leader that I am in control and its not up to them to take that on, maybe its just Pips way I just don't know. She is so dominant once we get out of the house. When we went to see Carns there was no promise that she would be letting us take her home. In fact she was set to be a breeder. Her sister was a bit smaller and had long hair but we didn't really see her. I was looking for a chocolate short hair which she didn't have but we wanted to go see anyway. She brought little Carns in, so very small, she had never been out of the pen before so as soon as she hit the ground she was off running around, so excited to have new things to look at. See how soon personality asserts itself. She ran down a corridor and there was a mirror on the ground, she saw herself and started barking. She was sooooo cute. The lady then picked her up and sat down. She went to pass her to Mum but she said that it was really going to be my dog, so she passed her to me. I put her on my lap and then she looked up to my face. Our eyes met and it was like love at first sight. We just stared at each other for about a minute or two and then all of a sudden the lady said "ok she's available if you want her". How could she separate us! I know these two girls more than I have known the others because we can communicate so much more. I am older and we did puppy school and obedience training. It teaches you to communicate at a much deeper level. It is freaky how much I can work out just from a look. They can come down often to say hello when im in the office and then one visit I will know they are asking for dinner. I will say "soon" and they understand. It’s amazing. When Pips has a dag on her bum she gives us this look of "yuk, help me please im a mess". I wonder if it will have been that easy with you! I just read about no nappy method, where you learn to notice the trigger for potty time and take the baby off to the toilet. Im willing to give it a go.
Heard Nick Lowe today for the first time, i like his stuff.


Reading book 4 of Tomorrow series - i loved this - "Love could overcome all those stupid misunderstandings; that if someone really loved you, they knew what was in your heart and it didn’t matter if you made mistakes. They looked past your words and read your heart".

13th August 2007

I got to play tennis with Chas and his friend on Sunday. I cant tell
how much fun I find this sort of male bonding. I just don't get
enough of it. I have tried to organise regular things with male friends
and it has never worked out. Part of me wants the kind of friends like
in American sitcoms where they are always doing stuff together. But
then I remember how I like my own time as well. What a conundrum! I had
not played tennis in about 10 years and yet I was able to hold my own
and actually win quite a few games, against two of them! That's your
papa. A papa who can hardly move today. Even my ears hurt.

Not sure what to talk about today. No memory is coming to mind. You
have been squirming around like crazy in the middle of the night. You
go to sleep when Mum is on the move, its all that rocking. Then at
night its your time to shine.

I keep wondering how the hell I am going to raise you. I don't want
to hide you from bad experiences because this generation of parents is
making that mistake. Kids are growing up like eggs that have not been
hatched, totally protected and ignorent. Then they are expected to go
out there on their own and cope with no mechanisms and no experience in
how to deal with stress. My lesson to you will be that there is no
guarantee of having a trouble free life. This will probably really
annoy you when I start asking you for the contract that states you were
to have an easy time of it. I guess the best thing I can do is open you
to new experiences with people who are really struggling. Get some
perspective on things as that is one of the worst qualities as humans.
Thinking they are so hard done by when there are people with real
problems out there. That is a great 'root' rule to apply and one that I
live by. I do not believe we are presented anything in our life that we
are not able to handle. I even go as far to believing that before we
are born we choose the kind of life we are going to have, the degree of
difficulty and a general sense of what we need to learn. Remember that
nobody on the planet knows the absolute truth of how this universe
works. Religions most certainly don't, they are too caught up in
their own versions of truth which contradict each other. Therefore it
is reasonable to apply your own set of guidelines to live by, grabbing
ideas from your experiences and knowledge acquisition. It is all
illusion anyway so why not create your own that will work for you.
People don't seem to get that your mind is a ghost, its not tangible.
It is just a series of interconnected nodes in the brain that shoot
little messages to each other. The mind is therefore not something you
can trust or count on as the definition of what makes you you. These
connections constantly change based on your experiences. This is how
habits are formed. Imagine this - you meet someone for the first time
and soon discover you hate them. Each time you see them from that time
on you inevitably go back to that same reaction don't you. Theres
that person I hate again. So why not use this to a positive, start
reacting to things in a way that will not make you feel like crap. This
is going to hurt you - but think of the film Waterboy. The coach fixes
his fear of that opposing coach by starting to picture him as a baby.
All of a sudden he is not afraid any more. It's a brilliant
philosophy that I will try my best to instil into you at an early age.


Im just enjoying the third book in the John Marsden Tomorrow series.
Its riveting stuff. Im sure we have read this.

10th August 2007

I fell asleep with my hand resting on Mums stomach last night, feeling
your movements in my hand and going up my arm. Im not sure how much
this reality has sunk in yet. Right now you are more an expectation
than a reality. You are, as I call it, a bump. Our lives are not as yet
turned inside out so normalcy is maintained. These last months heading
to Christmas are like the final breath in. Or is it the calm before
the storm! Well that is how everybody describes it, however I have
discovered that I do not always react in the same way as others do.

Should I be giving advice in this diary? I tend to think no. If I have
done my job properly then you can think for yourself, and looking at
Grandpa Baker I have learnt that when you ask your father too many
questions seeking advice as your Mother used to, it puts the father in a
difficult position. He feels as if he has to continue being Daddy and
protector. He has to invest himself in those decisions and eventually
feels like he has to start offering advice when its not wanted and
becomes upset when advice is not asked for. You are responsible for
yourself, and I cannot be your inner voice for you. I will have
instilled my advice purely by being there as an influence. Your Dad has
a keen interest in the concept of Karma. However at times I like to
give Karma a helping hand. This could very well get me into a lot of
trouble. Your Mum is good at checking me before I wreck me. In the end
though you should trust that if someone is doing the wrong thing,
inevitably the pain they give others will be returned to them.

I wonder if you have noticed just how many screwed up people there are
out there. It all comes back to losing your compass. You need to keep
the essence of your life goals simple. Never lose your ability to
self-reflect. Try seeing life through different eyes. Keep learning and
playing with your personality until the day you die. We define
ourselves by our limitations, so don't create limitations that do not
need to be there just because of some ridiculous need to be comfortable
about who you are. People who say they don't like a genre of music,
or wont read a certain type of book, or people who say "im the type of
person who…" ARGGHHHH. Why deny yourself a learning experience just
because that experience may not give you pleasure or may not fit into
your definition of who you are. If you hate sci-fi, read one through
the eyes of someone who does love sci-fi then. Expand your personality
to include contradictions and one day you may find that your definition
of a thing has changed. We define ourselves by our limitations. What
will yours be and why. You are not this personality, you are not this
mind or these conditionings. You are the spirit, it reaches beyond time
and thought. It also reaches beyond any religion or spiritual path
(just my opinion). I write this paragraph and start to realise that
words can be so limiting and elusive of the facts. I have tried to live
this paragraph all my life, how can I possibly capture the flavour, the
essence of this belief and experience. I guess it will have to be
enough to simply tell you that I am talking about every minute of every
day and how you choose to comport yourself.

Biggest laugh I have ever had. Back in Vermont when I was about 10 or
11. Dad and I used to play carpet bowls (have we played? I hope so. I
have probably told you this story by now). It was a great corridor for
this game and we used to play it a lot. This particular game was very
close. It came down to my last bowl to save myself from a humiliating
defeat at the hands of my tyrant father/competitor, who was showing my
no mercy. I took a deep breath, gauged the correct lean of the bowl and
considered the force required to get my bowl to hit Dads bowl which was
closest to the jack. Using my skills in advanced geometry I calculated
the correct angle required taking into account which way the wind was
blowing down the corridor and compensating for any sudden Chihuahua
activity. I was a statue of concentration, cool and calm. Slowly my
arm went back, then forward to release the bowl from steady finger
tips. It ran true and sure towards its destination. The tension was
thick in the air, I could see my fathers shoulders tense up from the
corner of my eye, he sucked in air between his teeth and held it there.
The great working machine that is the universe stopped its eternal
operations as every living thing held its breath (or whatever
equivalent it has) in anticipation. The bowl maintained its straight
course to the right of the jack and it looked like I had not gauged the
weight correctly, it was going to run right past the other bowls and
continue through to the bedroom and ruination. Hope was fading. However
at the last second the bowl tipped to the left and ran suddenly in the
direction of the cowering oppositions bowl. With a resounding click my
bowl struck true, pushing my fathers bowl with deadly precision into
another then another. In one move I had decimated his winning position.
Placed closest within range of the shining white jack were three of my
bowls. I had saved the universe and all creatures great and small,
sentient and non-sentient praised me with great praise. Slowly I raised
myself up to my full height, looked to my opponent with winning eyes
that only a complete smart arse could, and presented him my raised
fists in victory. I left him standing there in a trembling rage as I
walked down the corridor to claim my victorious bowls. I sunk down on
one knee and picked them up as I giggled with mirth. Little did I know
that your Grandfather was not taking this loss with a sense of dignity
and constraint. Because he suddenly ran down the corridor in his bare
feet and like an AFL star running towards goal decided to treat my
backside like it was a Sherren football and kick me into the middle of
next week. Or that was the plan anyway. What actually happened was that
instead of kicking me in my soft rump he misjudged (he was blind as a
bat even back then) his aim and instead his foot met with the heal of
my shoe. There was a sickening *snap* as my opponents toe met with an
immovable object and broke. I turned around to see him hopping madly on
one foot while clutching his other with both hands. "Arghh", he
screamed. "Shit shit shit". I burst into laughter which did not help
his mood, he then bizarrely proceeded to continue hopping around from
room to room screaming in pain and clutching his foot. It was simply
the funniest sight I have ever seen. Why he kept hopping around
different rooms I will never understand, but it just made it that much
more hilarious. A few days later I got a call from him screaming "you
broke my bloody toe". You can imagine my response. I believe the words
'titty' and 'tough' were used.

09th August 2007

I went out with Sadie and her boyfriend Das last night to check out an open mic night at the Cornish Arms. Oh dear was that a bad idea. Two freaks walk on stage, one looked like a refugee from the Russian revolution and played extremely bad violin and the other dressed like he was some jazz bohemian with bandanna, sunglasses and an CLARINET. He walked on stage with a little notebook and I just groaned. "Oh God hes brought his manifesto". What proceeded could not be called music, scattered amongst the warbling clarinet and the screeching violin was a
spattering of bad poetry. Something like -

Streets blacken like my mind
Thoughts churn like running motors
Gears running down
I long for sleep

The first opportunity we had to take off we did. This guy was more
about feeding his ego with cool vibes than doing anything meaningful. I
get really annoyed when its about image. It shows a lack of humility
and wisdom. I realise that image plays a part in music however it needs
to be balanced with some semblance of honesty and vulnerability. Dylan
understands this well.

Sadie was comparing our faces again last night. She has always been a
bit concerned about that. Its important for her that we look alike. The
fact that we are so similar in so many ways does not make her feel any
better. Not all siblings look alike but with a half brother sister
situation it makes it that much more important that we look like each
other. I actually do see me and Mum especially in her face, and her
voice. The other sides genes are strong in features when you look at all the
cousins etc. She doesn't ever have to question my connections with
her. We came from the same womb, we share the same values and humour.
She is one of the most important people in my world. I think she knows
that. So make sure you tell your Aunty to get over herself!

Next week, how to make your whites their whitest.