Friday, November 16, 2007

Body image, rise above it

My favourite dreams are the ones where I can float. I recall one beautiful dream in which I was able to rise about 30 feet into the air and drift around. I can still remember feeling the sensation of leaving the ground, the initial fear of falling and the strangeness of my legs dangling under me. I woke from that dream knowing that I had experienced what it is to fly. Remember I said that the section of the brain that experiences the action as it is taking place is the same part that you access when you wish to recall that action later. So our reality is composed of the actual and the remembered equally. I also had another brilliant dream I which I was at my grandparent’s backyard and I was being surrounded by zombies. I had to fight them all and what was the most amazing thing was that I was using martial art techniques I have never learnt. I can still remember that my brain was telling my body what to do just as if it were learned behaviour. Some of the things I was doing were impossible to do, large flips in the air and such, but my brain knew what to do. I would love to know how that is possible. I have also had similar dreams about vampires as well. Most of my dreams I am battling some thing or other, when im not flying that is. Did you know that you can set a mental alarm clock by visualising a clock and setting the time you want to wake up. You can also tell yourself you want to remember your dream once you wake up. It doesn’t necessarily work the first few times but if you keep it up it can work.

Body image. God I hope we have taught you to love the body you have. I have always hated my body and I really have to work at accepting me as I am. I have even and still do consider surgery to remove the fatty parts that I have never lost no matter what I have tried. It’s a crippling feeling. I hate going to public pools and no chance will I go to a friends house to swim. I even dislike writing about it. My choice of clothes is based around which things hide my body the best. That’s why I love jackets so much and thus cold weather is my friend. To base ones body image as the main determinate of happiness is just stupid, but it’s something I still do. Perhaps I have worked you fairly hard in keeping up your fitness. I imagine that I will probably do this so you don’t dislike your body like I do. The older I get the less of a problem it is. I think when I am older I will be at my most happy. It will all be about the mind ……………… if I still have a functional one.

Writing a diary like this is very confronting. It makes you assess your life, what you have and have not done. I sit here thinking of what to write and when I cant come up with anything it can make you feel like the most boring person alive. People immediately think of where they have travelled but from my experience and from seeing others who have done it more, you don’t come back any wiser than when you left. You experience and see more things but you don’t necessarily go very deep into anything. You come home knowing you have seen lots of great stuff. I have learnt a lot more about myself in my everyday life. Like I have said before, when you go somewhere else you tend not to be yourself. You play with your personality a bit and usually that just means you smoke and drink (and shag) more. You don’t often come back with a greater insight into the human condition. More likely you come back with a shot liver and some weird itch.

Im thinking of buying - Crisis Preparedness Handbook: A Complete Guide to Home Storage and Physical Survival. Is that going to deep into my post-apocalyptic fetish? I love the idea of knowing practical skills in case of some sort of major calamity.