Ummmm

Had the baby......................... no time to write!

Class reunion - who looks like a bee bit their face.

We went out last night and saw some of your Mums old school friends for the first time in many years. It was strange seeing these faces all matured, some better preserved than others. Edie still looks younger than all of them. Whether its that olive skin that gives the illusion or something else im not sure, she is damn thin which seems to make you look younger, i wouldn't know about that. We went back to the local mall which is where your Mum hung out all the time as a kid and teenager. Even I spent a lot of time there when I was living at my grandparents. It is highly likely that we passed each other on a number of occasions, went to the same movies, ate at the same restaurants, shopped at the same stores. I would love to be able to transport back and see how often we crossed paths. Our subconscious would know as it picks up everything. I wonder if it can be done by hypnosis. I find this idea fascinating, that we would pass as strangers and then one day spend our lives together.

Pips got bitten by a bee on Friday night and we had to rush her off to the animal hospital at 11:30 at night. She puffed up and her heartbeat was very rapid. It seems to happen a lot with these two; six times we have had an emergency of things outside our control. It took her all weekend to recover. She had a nasty scab on her leg where she was bitten. Earlier that night we were at my Auntie Trixie's house for the last get together before my other Auntie and cousins flew off to London. Lilith was fascinated with you; she kept feeling Mums stomach and her eyes would go wide.

Took some great photos of Mum out in the garden holding flowers in a black dress. I cant wait to take pictures of the both of you out there. I think my love of photography is coming back again with a vengeance now i have good subject matter. I have always wanted to take pictures of people rather than places. Bigger challenge.

Tens - Unit Muscle Stimulator or instrument of torture?

I just recommended The Dice Man to a Goth in a second hand book store. I love recommending stuff to people, and The Dice Man can have a huge impact on people. I bought 7 books for just $25, I wonder if this is still possible for you. Remember I was talking about being a plumber, well now I like the idea of running a second hand book shop. Actually I am making myself appear more flighty than I am. Its just that I don’t really want to do this current job forever, I would like to find a job I really will enjoy, so I am just considering different options rather than suddenly deciding I want to be a spruiker for example and start to stand outside shops unannounced with a microphone.


I have not even worked out what year it will be when you read this. Let me do that now. Amuse yourself for a moment………………………………………. Ok its going to be around 2026 I think, I don’t trust my maths when working out whether you count the end of the year or the start.

I think its time for a Mum update, let’s check the score board for the latest stats - Mum has been getting the CTG scan weekly since week 35. It measures the heartbeat and uterine contractions (if there are any). You have been very active indeed and the doctors get quite surprised at the accelerations. You are a very active little baby. Everything has been fine and was again this week. She then went for her doctors appointment (this is all at the Hospital) to get her blood pressure taken and provide a urine sample to check the protein amounts. They also measure the uterus to make sure you are growing to schedule, which you were. This time she also got to have a scan to see where your head is and make sure you are in the right position, which again you are. You still favour the left side. Back to the blood pressure for a second; it was on the cusp of the high end which worried the doctor a bit because that has been really good all the way through. Of course once the doctor described all the symptoms of high blood pressure suddenly they all appeared. So for the last two days she has had to wee into a large milk container which is basically to check for preeclampsia. The end result of this would be to bring you into the world a bit earlier. We are not so concerned because after she saw the doctor and did a few other things she went back down to the nurse who has been so nice (and we are trying to set her up with Chas) and asked to do the blood pressure check again. It was fine so go figure. She is also having regular Braxton hick’s contractions without too much discomfort or really any pain. Speaking of pain - she also went to her 'tens' appointment. Tens is a Unit Muscle Stimulator that she can flick on as a distraction to labour pains. It’s a tiny thing but powerful. She put these little patches on my arm and turned it up and it was awful, im afraid I screamed like girl in a 50's horror flick.

But I gotta say, she’s HUGE now. I took some photos of her and it is so strange because the rest of her is normal size, actually smaller than before she was pregnant. When she is on the bed lying on her side, her stomach sort of spills away from her torso like it has melted a bit.

I realise it is very very close now and we finally get to meet. I'm not sure I have totally prepared myself for all this happening any time soon. Life still goes along as normal and yet in a few weeks everything will change. A lady at work says you can’t really prepare. I wish I could pop in a time machine and see myself with you; I just think it would help me place myself as a father. I seem to need visuals to make things real for me. I learn best by being shown things. So I guess my learning begins when your Mum introduces you by pushing really hard!

This weeks 'Friday Affettuoso' - a John Cale cover

This weeks 'Friday Affettuoso' is a wonderful cover of John Cale's masterpiece 'I keep a close watch'. Originally released on Helen Of Troy it also appeared on Music For a New Society.

John Cale is one of the few originals (other notable is Bowie) willing to push himself into new aural landscapes whether it sells or not. From his work with Velvet Underground to his solo work, there has been no compromising. He has also produced such artists as The Stooges, Nico, Patti Smith and Jonathan Richman.



Other John Cale recommendations - Paris 1919, Vintage Violence, Slow Dazzle, HoboSapiens.

Star Trek in the morning, husbands warning

Its 5am and Mum has disappeared again. I can uncurl myself from my fetal position at the corner of the bed and spread out like a snow angel and make contented little gurgling noises. Mum is in the living room watching Deep Space 9. She has been getting up around 4 or 5am more often now. She wakes up sore and very alert to all kinds of distracting noises, like me and my bizarre sleeping noises that range from sudden snorts at the back of my throat to smacking my lips and going Ahhhhh. A few minutes of that and she gives up and gets up to eat some nectarines and drink another litre of milk. Her taste buds must be playing up because she keeps handing me these bits of fruit to eat claiming them to be the most perfectly awesome taste sensation ever. I sink my teeth into these barely ripe delicacies and am hard pressed to find any taste in them at all. Its like eating wet foam.

You are turning mums placenta into an indoor rock climbing arena. You are moving all over the place although your preference is the left hand side. You then shimmie over so your back is on Mums right hand side which makes her tummy all misshapen. If Mum is not in the correct side in bed you give a few kicks to communicate your displeasure. She cannot wait to sleep on her back again, her favoured position. She has even found that she is getting pains under her ribs, as you push up with your foot or bum into her already squashed innards. She has to stand up and move around a bit to push you back down again. I got some great footage of you moving around a few nights back. Sadie was amazed by the ruckus you cause in there.

Nan Baker is taking next year off golf to help out with whatever is required. You Uncle Baker is actually telling his Mum that she better not spend more time with you than with his boy. The hilarious thing is that not once have they let him stay at his grandparents in 11 years. They don’t invite her down or contact her unless they want something, and now he is jealous because we will be letting her look after you. There are some real numbers in this world and our family has its fair share.

I have another great saying for you - 'as attentive as a three-toed sloth on cooking sherry'.

Listening to John Safran Podcast on Triple J.
Learning all about promiting websites by using key words for search engines to pick up.

Loving my hair at the moment, im beginning to look like a 70's hearthrob like Shaun Cassidy.


I get the impression reading other Parenting Blogs that these posts will not be anywhere near as large or often as they are now. Sleep takes precedence.

Carns is bored

Carns is bored,
originally uploaded by The Dad Diaries.

When is this kid going to arrive?

Scribbit's Write-away contest

Scribbit's Blog is running a write-away contest with the topic "My favorite day". I thought i might add this Post as my entry. Hope you like.

My favorite day has not occurred yet. Some people would say "you can’t have a favorite day if it’s in the future you silly man", but all I can say to that is pish posh. The day I am referring to is the birth of my daughter, which by all accounts is set to be Christmas day 2007 (and no we are not calling her Holly). There are those detractors and nay sayer’s out there who smugly like to remind me that there is no guarantee of things going according to plan; that all kinds of problems can arise and that you must be prepared for anything. Well duh! I have never been under the misapprehension that anything in life is guaranteed; I certainly do not recall signing a contract on the non-proliferation of bad times before becoming a twinkle in my Dad's eye. For you to fully appreciate what joy is you must first experience suffering. Sometimes the two can appear together like some unholy marriage of convenience. I am prepared for things not going according to plan, but I won’t relinquish my belief that the birth of my little girl is going to be my favorite day. We are bombarded by televangelists and the like telling us to have faith, and im not saying that I totally agree with their method but I must concur with their sentiment, but with a twist. In order for you to have faith in something higher you must first have faith in yourself; faith in your abilities, in your strengths, in your partner and faith in the future. To quote Timbuk 3 - "The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades". So my faith remains unshaken by the what if's of this world. I must hold on to the belief that there is good in this world as well as bad, and I refuse to turn the birth of my child into another reflection on uncertainty. I claim this day as a good day, a joyous day, my favorite day.

More holidays to Apollo Bay, less work please

It’s getting real close now. Down to weeks. Your Mum has put a towel on the car seat just in case the levee breaks. "I work on the levee, mama both night and day, I work so hard, to keep the water away. It's a mean old levee, cause me to weep and moan, gonna leave my baby, and my happy home". My job is my levee too, I resent it enough now let alone when you arrive. I still want to be an at home Dad for you. Your Mum enjoys her job and gets all the holidays whereas I hate the job and get very few holidays. I would love to be around for you as you grow up. Its not always possible however, we shall just have to see. I hope we have given you enough of our time that you don’t feel short changed.

This weekend was another backbreaking chain gang of chores entirely of my own choosing. I have been painting so much that on Friday when I took Nan to the MSO concert I was barely able to applaud. My arms shaking violently as I strained to raise them and provide yet another encore opportunity for the conductor. You’re Mum and I have been to five concerts this year for the MSO. This last one we decided I should take my Gran for a night out. It was at the Town Hall instead of the usual showier venue. Nan told me that the last time she was in the town hall was for the Bing Crosby appreciation society club dance when she was 17 (that would make it around 1946). She talked about all the places she used to go on nights out and for lunches. She went on a date with an English sailor once and was escorted back to the station where he shook her hand and said "Thankyou I had a lovely time, good evening Miss Howie". I told this to your Mum and she just rolled her eyes and went "gypped". She has a dirty mind sometimes. My Nan also volunteered in a canteen in Collins St where she made sandwiches and coffee for the servicemen. She met my Grandad from memory working in Myer together. I will be getting all these stories and adding them to the diary later. I told her I want to video them telling all kinds of stories about their life for you. The great thing about digital format is that we can just shoot for hours and store it on a hard drive. The stories she tells me are so amazing, such a different life to what yours will be, although it is my intention to make sure you experience some of the same things they did. Volunteering at old age homes, tree planting days, things like that.

Grandpa tells me that when he was an underage house painter he used to have to carry all his equipment, including the ladder and paint tins in the train with his bike. Can you imagine that now? If you want evidence for how lazy we have become just look at the beginning of this paragraph. Poor little Dad has sore arms because he has done a little painting for Gods sakes. I milk it for all its worth once I get back upstairs, making wincing noises and rubbing my arms like I just wrestled with Zeus. So by the time you have arrived she has already got a good 15 years Mothering experience from looking after me.

I just read a Blog about a guy whose ear hair was mistaken for a stray bit of clothing fluff. I commented that I have so much fuzz on my ears that if I stand in front of a light it looks like I am growing angel’s wings out the side of my head. I also have either chest hair creeping up to my chin or a beard which is losing the fight against gravity and moving down to my chest. In the last year my eyebrows have established a few rogue hairs which have broken with convention and decided to create an upper canopy, which may provide shade for the shorter well behaved hairs but does nothing for my faces symmetry. By trimming the offending hairs to their regular size begins a vicious cycle that only exacerbates over time. For once you trim that hair the surrounding hairs think this is an opportunity to take over the position of head boy. All of a sudden you have a race for the sun on your hands, as your eyebrow begins to look more like a pair of hairy caterpillars on growth hormones. Give it a few years and I won’t need to wear a capped hat.

Your Mum is having weird baby dreams. She just told me about this one this morning. She went into labour and so I rushed her to the hospital. Then we are sitting in the waiting room and the nurse comes up to us and hands the baby over to her. She couldn’t remember having it though and asked me if she had to take any drugs. I told her no and she did really well. She then uncovered the baby who was all wrapped up including her head. She was beautiful, but then the more she looked the more she started noticing dog features, the eyes got bigger and the face started sprouting hair and the ears got pointy. By the end she said you looked exactly like a Chihuahua.

Christmas is soon upon us as well, a fact that I am sure you are tired of hearing because it will fall so close to your birthday. I was talking to my Nan about how the Christmas spirit of community and group celebration is virtually gone from the workplace because they don’t wish to spend the money on their staff any more. I said that this is part of a bigger issue and one in which will effectively wipe out the concept of loyalty and pride in your work. People are now thinking if they can’t even be bothered giving us a decent Christmas party why should I put in any effort? Cost cutting does not save money for a company. It breeds apathy and resentment which then effects performance and the bottom line. I can remember going to our local social Club when I was a kid to see Santa. It was a venue where people can meet and have a drink, eat dinner, have a dance etc. They put on a great day for the family for all the Club members. Santa would even come in a helicopter (he would sit in my grandparents leather chair which I hope will come to us). It was damn the expense and let’s give them a great time to say thanks for being a member. This does not happen any more. The Club itself is now just another venue built around pokies machines. Well I will try my best to make sure you have a ball during Christmas. I will aim to get the street involved and have a big Christmas party in the park for everyone to come to. Am I an idealist or has it actually come true? I hope that I have risen the occasion and done everything I can to make you a well rounded person.

So anyway, back to Bach. The Friday concert was the best yet, Bach is my favourite music. It just speaks to me and I don’t have to struggle to understand it and I am never bored listening to it. What is different is that his music often doesn’t have any melodies that you immediately recognise or even remember once the piece is finished. It’s those intertwining lines of melody that don’t really go anywhere that appeal to me. It doesn’t really go anywhere, you don’t recall strong repeating themes repeating and then given variations in different keys and tempos. It doesn’t always resolve itself in obvious ways that someone like Mozart is so good at. Its music of the ether, Gods music. It is the kind of music you can listen to for years before it becomes too familiar. The perfect desert island disk would be Bach. We also listened to a new Clarinet Concerto by Ross Edwards which was wonderful and finally Beethoven's 5th which is also one of the most perfect pieces of music ever created. It was a wonderful concert and im glad I got to share it with my Grandma.

Im sitting here on the top floor looking out to the Dandenong ranges. The dark grey clouds are hovering low above our house and lighting strikes light up the sky. Rain has become more precious than oil.

Bought the Definitive Rolf Harris and 'The most relaxing Bach album in the world'.

Listening to music we can play during your birth, here are some I found today -


Shostakovich - Symphony No.9 in E Flat Major, Op. 70 - Moderato
Haydn - Symphony No.22 in E Flat Major, "The Philosopher" - Adagio
Hayden - Symphony No.26 in D Minor, "Lamentatione" - Adagio (Chorale)
Mahler - Symphony No.1 in D, "The Titan" - 3. Feierlich und gemessen, nicht schleppend
Beethoven - Piano Sonata No.14 "Moonlight" - Adagio sostenuto
Beethoven - Piano Sonata No.8, "Pathetique" - Adagio cantabile
Beethoven No.6, "Pastoral" - Allegro ma non troppo

This weeks 'Friday Affettuoso' - Surf's Up

This weeks 'Friday Affettuoso'is a very special one for me as it features my all time favourite Pop song, 'Surf's Up' by Brian Wilson and Van Dyke Parks.

This early version of 'Surf's Up' with just Brian at the piano is from Leonard Bernstein's 1966 TV Special "Inside Pop". Bernstein said of it - "There is a new song, too complex to get all of first time around. It could come only out of the ferment that characterizes today's pop music scene. Brian Wilson, leader of the famous Beach Boys, and one of today's most important musicians, sings his own 'Surf's Up.' Poetic, beautiful even in its obscurity, 'Surf's Up' is one aspect of new things happening in pop music today. As such, it is a symbol of the change many of these young musicians see in our future".

"Surf's Up" was written in a single night. Enjoy.

Girls and drugs - an average day at school

I feel like I have lived for hundreds of years. Life has not gone quickly for me at all. I think the last few years have appeared to have gone more quickly and that is likely because things have stayed fairly consistent. Before that life was all over the place. I moved a lot, was studying, and working different jobs, all kinds of dramas. There are phases of my life in which I don’t seem to have retained many memories. I can hardly recall primary school in any detail. A few images flash up if I try hard. Being given the nick name Kunky, showing a Playboy I had to some boys, being teased by one of my teachers, wearing a lot of tracksuit pants, being sent to the principles office quite a bit, singing God Save the Queen (not the national anthom) at assembly, whistling for the first time in the library by accident, Mum walking me up to the gates on my first day at my new school, cloths-lining some poor kid during a football match by mistake, going behind the shelter sheds to see a girl flash, fighting a butch girl and taking longer than most to be given a pen instead of a pencil because of my left handedness. It may seem a lot but there is nothing in much detail. I was the joker in class, whether that was out of boredom or a need for attention im not sure, a bit of both probably. I was always trying to make the class laugh, not by any physical comedy, just with words usually. Admittedly farting was always a winner right through high school as well, everybody did it because the plastic seats made a great amplifier. It was also common in these seats to lean back on them so your knees were under the desktop keeping you up. It was always a scream when the back legs lost traction and the person would go flying backwards landing on the floor. During most classes in high school it was a great laugh to grab someone’s pencil case and throw it out the window. This kid Gonzo (because he looked like the Muppet of the same name) took offence one day when I did this. I ended up going to get it for him seeing he didn’t appreciate the humour. You had to watch yourself in high school as a boy. The threat of being beaten up is always there. My first day of high school a group of Year 9 kids started threatening me with the royal flush (head in the toilet) when the next door neighbour of close family friends showed up and said I was cool. I never got bothered much after that. I remember the teachers at high school were complete freaks. Mrs Eldritch had this secret smile across her face and she stunk of excessive perfume that would make you gag. My Taylor had a wig which looked like a stack hat and all the hair started from middle. He propositioned my friend Reed outside of school and talked to him about how he masturbates He was a complete perv but funnily enough one of the best teachers there. He was an intelligent man with some interesting and sad quirks. The maths teacher used to be the phys-ed teacher before he got caught peeping in the boys change rooms. Can you believe that? He wasn’t even fired. Ryan almost had a fling with the councillor; she got a crush on him because he was going through so much with his spina bifida. Its like nurses falling in love with patients, they get the job and their feelings all mixed up.

I had some major crushes during my entire schooling career. I was interested in girls from a very young age. I must have been in Grade 1 or 2 when I woke up and went into the living room where Mum and Dad were watching a movie. I lay there with them for a while and there was a scene with a stripper. I can still remember being fascinated by it. Ok not the sort of stuff you want to read im sure, but it is weird how early on my sexuality asserted itself. It also gives you some indication as to just how tortuous it was to not get my first real kiss until I was seventeen. Girls would like me fine, just not in that way. But I was obsessed with girls and it seemed so cruel and unfair that I would be so unattractive to them. Mum even asked me if I was gay at one stage because I didn’t have a girlfriend. I said to her "Mum, I like girls, they just don’t like me". What made matters worse was that my mates did great with the girls. The only one worse off than me was my old mate Nobby, he was short, thin, awkward and had a big nose and no personality. I liked him though, we were fairly good friends. I liked kids that didn’t talk much and were not too overactive. I still don’t like people who get over excited. Nobby and I used to hang out a bit. He came to stay up at my Dads place in the mountains with me and I used to go with his family to the beach. It turned out that his father was gay and living a lie. That whole family were a little strange. The father ended up leaving his wife and shacking up with some guy just a few streets away.

Nobby got in to drugs with Reed and we drifted apart. He got really bad, screwed his life up. We were all smoking dope a bit during the latter half of high school. My mates were smoking for a year or so before I felt I was able to cope with it. I never got pressured into doing something I didn’t want to do. Your Mother is exactly the same. So I took my time, made sure it was something I wanted to try. In the end I had a smoke and quickly jumped on my bike and rode home to write poetry. I wanted to see if I wrote differently, like Jim Morrison. I still have the poem. The other guys ended up going to the next stage and tried speed. After that it is easy to just keep trying stuff out because you have removed the limitations that keep you in check. Silly guys started trying heroin and that was that. By this stage I was at my new school so I didn’t see how it all came about. Ryan had gone up to Queensland and was living in an Ashram leading a very pure lifestyle. I didn’t keep in touch with the other guys as we had all gone different directions and moved from the area. I have never tried anything stronger than dope myself. Dope is a plant while other drugs are created in a plant. I just don’t want to mess with anything that dodgy. Alcohol is worse than dope, as is smoking cigarettes. It’s when you have anything in excess that problems occur. Even dope you have to be damn careful with. On two occasions it was laced with something very psychedelic. Interesting experiences but not ones I care to repeat. You have to consider this when drugs are offered to you. Are you an addictive personality? This makes all the difference because if you are then the drug will quite easily break down those walls of common sense and logic that we all have. When this happens God help you, because you simply won’t have the ability to make rational decisions. It’s like someone has opened up your skill and cut out that rational part of the brain. Your Mother has an addictive personality and her years of smoking show this. I however am not. I was never in danger of taking it to the next step. I can be extremely dogged when it comes to maintaining my values. As a teenager I decided I would never use harsh swear words and to this day I still have never used the F word or anything worse than that. Shit is my limit. I am mightily proud of this accomplishment…………………… dash nab it.

Is your job role suited?

I went on to the BBC science site and did a short psychology test designed to point you to the most suitable job. The results suggested the following careers I would be suited to then not suited to -:

Your results suggest that Artistic type work might suit your interests and preferences. Typical roles for Artistic types include artist, singer, designer, photographer, musician, writer and actor.

Your results suggest that Investigative type work is less likely to suit your interests. Typical roles that suit Investigative types are scientist, engineer, laboratory worker, computer programmer, pharmacist and vet.

Unfortunately my job fits into the last category. This suggests I am in the wrong job and I would not argue with that. Alternatively you could say that by doing this job I am picking up new skills that are not as natural for me to accomplish. I think I have picked up new skills and a new confidence. It could even be said that these new skills aid my existing natural skills. It could be seen as making me a well rounded individual. It could also be said that I am not in a career that befits my abilities and interests and that would also be correct.

I got to meet Brian Wilson a few years back, well sort of. He signed my Smile CD.


This is something he really never does so it was extraordinary that I was able to get this opportunity. I was in Sydney and I had managed to weasel my way into making it a working trip because of the project I was on. So the trip up and the hotel were all paid for. I am so sneaky sometimes. I had already bought the tickets to the Opera house gig so I was going no matter what. It was while I was in the office that somebody told me that he was at a record store doing a signing. I ran out of there as fast as I could. We were all very excited to be there, waiting in the line to get close to our hero. He was not overly communicative and when I finally got up there to see him he didn’t look up. I didn’t care in the slightest. I just said "thanks for everything Brian" and that was that. I was also very close to meeting his band. I had contacted a Sydney musician and he told me to give him a call. I did the day of the concert and he mentioned that he knew a few of the guys and that he might be meeting up with them and would I like to come. I nearly wet myself. In the end though he was busy recording and it didn’t happen. When I met up with him at the Opera house I must shamefully admit I was less inclined to hang out with him and I think the feeling was mutual. I can’t remember his name now, I have one of his albums somewhere. The concert was wonderful and I felt on top of the world having seen my idol and beaten 'the man' (big business) at his own game by getting a free trip. Viva la revolution.

The meaning behind ‘toe the line’ - "Toe the line" is an idiomatic expression with disputed origins. The longest-running use of the phrase, often mentioned by tourist guides, is from the British House of Commons where sword-strapped members were instructed to stand behind lines that were better than a sword’s length from their political rivals. Thus the cry to “toe the line!” was echoed to return order to the House and to quell a potential mortal conflict.

Misanthropy is a general dislike, distrust, or hatred of the human species, or a disposition to dislike and/or distrust other people. The term is also applicable to those who self-exile themselves or become loners because of the aforementioned feelings.

I love this too - he was as conspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel cake. You can also say "there’s an elephant in the room" for an obvious truth that is being ignored. Try using that next time you are at a party and someone has a booger hanging out their nose. I was going to use it to describe your Mums stomach at the moment then thought twice about it.

Finished my book and decided to try Duncton Wood.

Safe and Sound Meridian joy, bring baby home

On another day much warmer than predicted, your baby seat has been installed and apparently it looks great. I remember just how joyous it was when we went with Pips to pick up Carns together. That moment when they first met in the back of the 4WD. I got a shot of it. Then Mum held them both on the drive home. It was so exciting and you should have seen how excited they both were when we got home. These two tiny little pups running around the house. Carns went nuts. They didn’t cry at all during the following night which was amazing. Pups usually whine away but these two were very happy. You will be quite a different story. I can’t really remember when Sophie came home.

The 'bring baby home' moment is big on people’s lists of cherished moments. I can imagine how paranoid we will be driving in the traffic. I’m bad enough as it is now taking people to task on their driving. Walking to work in the mornings to the station there was this idiot who would come screaming around the corner and down this straight road like a maniac. He looked like a complete tool as well. Big lanky gait and shaved head with tats. I would stop walking and just stand there staring at his car as he went by. Then as he walked past me to the Toyota factory I would stare at him with daggers. It got to the point that I was going to stop him on the street and it might have got ugly. Instead I called up his work and spoke to the manager there. He was actually really good and told me he would speak to this guy and warn him that next time I saw him driving that way I was calling the police. He never knew it was me that phoned from what I could tell and then a matter of one week later I saw him get off a train and walk off to work. Ah sweet sweet Karma, he had obviously lost his license. Idiot. Another time a similar tosser went screaming around the corner in front of our house and he stopped about 100 feet up the road. I yelled out to him to stop driving like a maniac to which he ignored me. Men hate being taken to task on their stupidity and the normal reaction is to completely ignore the accuser. A few hours later I was still out front when I saw him get back in the car. I then grabbed my pitch fork and started to furiously stab at the ground where I was removing a stump. I must have looked like a man possessed because he drove past me like an old woman with cataracts. Up to this point nobody has tried it on with me. I wonder if its my beard or my wide shoulders? Maybe it is an instinctual thing for men to be wary of larger hairier types, a throwback to earlier times. I say this for two reasons. Firstly I only seem to see thin men fight. Secondly, the sound of fingernails down a blackboard is apparently so ghastly to us because some predator used to make the same sound when we were still living in caves. Was there a point to this? It started off talking about you coming home from hospital. Over five years later and we still love just staring at the pups. Imagine how bad we are going to be with you. A blink will be news of the day for us.

I found a post-apocalyptic French movie called 'Time of the wolf'. I cannot work out if I liked it or not. It was like the novel The Road, nothing much really happens and it is very depressing and hopeless. Then the film ends with the young son stripping off in front of a fire and a guy running up seemingly to stop him from leaping in. Then there’s five minutes of a view from a moving train. That’s it. There was no resolution at all. But I still thought it was very well done despite all that. It barely poses any questions and certainly doesn’t answer any. Some reviewers discuss compassion as being one of the big questions asked in the movie. I don’t think there were any big questions at all. I think it just did a great job of capturing a group of people completely at a loss as what to do. Either way I suggest you watch it after reading Paul Auster’s ‘In the country of last things’. It will make more sense I think.

On the weekend Chas said he wished he had become an electrician or plumber. His work is full on with little reward for him at the moment. It actually got me thinking. Paul our plumber is a great guy and he seems to enjoy the work. A change of profession has been on my mind for a bit now. I did promise myself I would not be traveling into the city to sit at a desk at 40. I am thinking of talking to Paul about what he thinks, whether physically it’s a good idea to do at this stage. I just feel like I should learn some practical skills for a change. Last week I was looking at musical therapy for Gods sakes. This job really must be getting to me now. I get a kick out of doing manual labor, its something I should at least consider.

Hootenanny - Joan Baez made the analogy that a hootenanny is to folk singing what a jam session is to jazz.

Bassinets, bellies and blubbering

You found something to play with last night. We sat there in amazement watching the top part of Mums belly button moving up and down. It looked like you were poking it from the inside. It really was bizarre. Also on Saturday night your Mum woke me up at 3am, screaming that she had a cramp in her calf. I sat bolt upright in the bed, grabbed her leg and started to rub furiously, blinking and staring around the room in confusion. She then said thanks to me and decided she wanted to have a conversation with me. It’s like dealing with Sybil (movie reference). I wasn’t having any of it and I dropped back down onto the pillow and immediately fell back to sleep.


Chas helped out all weekend with the painting of the garage that we are converting; it saved me an entire weekend of work. Best of all I got to play all kinds of music that he never would have listened to of his own accord. See that actually was the highlight over how great the room is looking. My sense of perspective is completely warped and terribly biased on music. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Sadie and her man bought you a bassinet. I love that she gets to experience the same kind of relationship with you that I had with her. I was 17 when she was born and Sadie will be 19 when you are born. She will be able to understand the special relationship that you have with such an age difference. She will be able to understand why I went to London for a while and why I went to Queensland to live for a bit. I was at that age of exploration and it is a bit of a selfish time in your life. I’m not sure if she feels like I wasn’t there enough or not actually. I should ask her. I went to almost all of her school concerts from kindergarten up, I loved them although the later ones did tend to go on a bit. But that feeling of pride when I saw her up there on the stage was all encompassing. I went to more of these things than her father did.

I just realised that at this stage I am not talking about you all that much. I understand that it’s enjoyable reading things about yourself. The thing is, you still are a bump albeit a much more active one now, never the less you are not you yet. And trust me, I will run out of stories about myself and your Mum real quick. Pretty soon its just going to be all about you and you will be begging for another witty anecdote about my wacky younger years.

Reading Algis Budrys - Some will not die
Listening to The Decembrists - The Crane Wife
Chewing some free Mentos gum.

This weeks 'Friday Affettuoso' - High Llamas

This weeks 'Friday Affettuoso' is one of those finds that occured when searching for similar artists to The Beach Boys, The High Llamas. Great dinner music and one of those groups that you can impress people with your vast knowledge.

For a brief time there was going to be a collaboration with Brian Wilson and Sean O'Hagen who basically is this band. It never eventuated. Enjoy.

Coping with the past

I was told something in a forum that was one of the most horrifying and cruel stories about what happened to them as a child. I was so upset. When i feel that way i write. It is very personal (for both parties) however i believe it can apply to many peoples experiences.

This is what i wrote to this person -

I am sitting here alone in this cold room, no matter how high I turn up the heater this damn room never loses its chill. My hands click away on the keyboard and I write, simply write. I write because I am compelled to. Throughout my life I have often retreated to a quiet room, to try and make sense of it all. Thoughts are swirling, concepts, theories, kind words, sad words, words of comfort, respect, admiration, God I am flooded with a million words at once and I pray I can give them all to you. Yet prayer is more than a form of expressing hope, it is also a means of collecting our thoughts and what my thoughts tell me is that nothing I write here will truly be enough. In fact I think this is more about my needs than yours. Writing is a form of release for me, a means to express my deepest feelings and to show what lies beneath. So what is that pray tell? Well I like to think that inside us all is our truest self, our oldest self, the part of us that has been around for millennia. I like to think that within there lives the collection of our experiences both good and bad, and with each experience comes a new understanding and a new insight into not only ourselves but each other. I keep thinking about that damn ladder, the one I consider I climb as life goes on, but today I have learnt something new. That ladder makes no sense because at any given time we could fall off it and have to start again, and that makes no sense to me. I already climbed it so why should I do it again? One minute I think Im nearing the top and then whammo, I realise that the end was a trick of the light and I realise ive hardly started. Life just isn’t this simple. ……….We are capable of anything given the conditions, the only thing that stops us from doing one thing and not the other is choice. God what bullshit we can come up with to explain life, what arrogance to think it can ever be understood. The only thing that is real is what I am doing right now. I can try and work out why im doing this or I can just keep doing it because it is making me feel good. My most precious and peaceful times are when I am not second-guessing myself. When I am writing, gardening, making love, watching my dogs, talking to my sister. What clarity, what peace, nothing else matters, nothing I have been through good and bad is infringing upon my time right now. Ah but shit! Now see….. I stop doing that and for a second I was left with my own thoughts…………………..that’s dangerous stuff Daniel, I don’t want to suppress my hurts, I don’t want them to be there during my moments of silence but they always manage to. I’m reminded of when I told Jenny some of my secret hurts, the ones even the silence didn’t hear. It was a series of catalysts that got me to that moment and I was able to express to her what was lying beneath. God I felt good after that. Its like a freedom, an exorcism of old ghosts haunting my body. The consequences of letting these ghosts out are not to be taken lightly, I could have gone either way at that point, LOL, now we come back to choice again! I define myself by how I limit my choices, not all options are useful ones, so therefore I limit myself to ensure my times of peace are increased. At one point in my life I allowed myself the ultimate choice, to live or not to live, I made the right choice and from then on my second option was forever removed. I live here as Daniel for as long as I can, I accept that I was not given the right to a life free of hurt and nor would I choose it. It scares me to think of the man I would have been if I didn’t have those experiences, a worse one I know that at least, a shell, a robot.

You are living a defining moment and thanks to your trust in us we have been blessed to have you share it with us. I can’t properly tell you how good that makes me feel. Thank you for introducing me to your ghosts, they have partly made you who you are now……….partly. Once they are let go (and they will go) you will be able to fill those empty spaces with whatever you choose. If I got to make the choice for you it would be for you to be so filled up with moments of love with your family and friends that your soul will be overflowing with joy. We would all give you this if we could however there really is no need -because you have the opportunity to give it to yourself if you choose it.

Its got a little warmer in here, the light has just broken through the clouds. Just outside the window a rainbow lorikeet is calling to its mates and they come flying over. Isn’t it funny how they always stick together and function better as a group, I guess they realise that they don’t have to do everything alone, that God didn’t mean for them to function that way.